mei..attempting to instil writerhood..

an old excerpt

2010-10-09T03:57:00.001+08:00

Do you remember the flutter of love at first sight, that cliché of clichés knocking upon the metal, barred door of your delicate alabaster heart. Slowly the blood trickles into the walls of your heart, growing stronger, pumping louder, with vigour. Hope springs eternal. You start to believe in magic. The world seems like a miniature globe in the palm of your hands. You wake up to the prospect of the next minute, the next hour, the next moment of pure contentment. The face of your loved one melds itself into your memory, every crease, every wrinkle, and every out of place hair. You adopt his habits and he eases himself into your routine. The blossoming of your relationship becomes a dance. You dream of today, tomorrow, forever wrapped in his enveloping love. Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. So says, Robert Frost. The power of love bowls you over. Even as you start to see that love sits dangerously close to hate and anger simply because of the intensity of the passion. You hover on the brink of destruction, knowing that your dependency renders you ever so fragile. Then you await that blasted hour, when it comes crashing down. You are left at ground zero. Disease sets in, subconsciously invited. Once you knew your love was a lie, or at least held too big a missing piece to the jigsaw, nothing else makes sense anymore. Your weakened body tells the disease, take me now. And so you fade away into a greying mess of nothingness. Nothingness.

sunday afternoon

2010-04-11T15:27:00.003+08:00

in 18 days, this semester will be over. let's give it all we've got. by the collective pronoun i am referring to me, myself and i and all the many manifestations. i.e, the mugger mei, the hyper mei, the ambitious mei, the can't-resist-a-dance mei, etc. no i am not schizophrenic. someone in a class of mine pronounced the word, "shit-zo-phrenic", almost on reflex all the lit majors imperceptibly caught the raised eyebrows and sniggering eyes of each other. such elitists we can be at times.

my diana F+ deluxe kit and instant back and leather cases have arrived from hongkong, courtesy of lomography and a certain indulgent creature. the timing is a sure test. but i will be firm and steadfast in my rejection of premature ecstasies. for years and years i have left this blogosphere dusty and neglected for fear of reporting trivial details that no one cares to know of let alone read of.

throws caution to the wind

oh heck.

in my deadline ridden schedule, riding on the coat-tails of a certain looming exam season, i caught the movie bright star on rental. it is about the life and love (yes, singular) of the great John Keats. he died believing himself a failure at 25 (egad. a year younger than I am, now) and posthumously is recognized as one of the greatest Romantic poets. Shall we be mesmerized by his verse? (some of us might be more mesmerized by his dark, brooding eyes as portrayed by his character in the movie).

lines from john keats (1795-1821)

Bright Star
Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art —
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like Nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors —
No — yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever — or else swoon to death.

it is sunday afternoon, and always a tinge of excitement nudges me. a languorous thought of afternoon tea teases me away from the piles of text on Oedipus Rex and Antigone. fret not. the day is still young and i will yet fashion another decent essay but for now...tea and scones, anyone?

random thoughts to kick start the revival of this blog

2010-04-11T15:20:00.005+08:00

confession

kaleidoscope

my best days are ahead of me by danny gokey

2010-03-05T00:02:00.001+08:00

Blowing out the candles on another birthday cake
Old enough to look back and laugh at my mistakes
Young enough to look at the future and like what I see
My best days are ahead of me

Life hasn't always been a party, but mostly it's been good
There's only one or two things that I'd change if I could
I don't get lost in the past or get stuck in some side memory, yeah
My best days are ahead of me

Age ain't nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder what does it really mean
But hey I'm still puttin' it together
I keep getting better
If I keep getting better
I can be whatever I wanna be
My best days are ahead of me

Age ain't nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder what does it really mean
Hey I'm still puttin' it together
I keep getting better
If I keep getting better
I can be whatever I wanna be
My best days are ahead of me

I've got sunsets to witness
Dreams to dance with
Beaches to walk on and lovers to kiss
There's a whole lot of world out there that I can't wait to see
My best days are ahead of me
My best days are ahead of me

what kids say...

2010-01-10T02:28:00.001+08:00

my primary one student said to me today.

"WOW. it's 305pm already!! time is FLYING HERE! because i'm having fun, teacher aster!!"

first day of creative writing classes. not the first smile of the day.

looking back, looking forward

2010-01-10T01:40:00.002+08:00

my mum is the best. on new year's eve, she rounds us all up, we sit around in a circle in the living room, jammies and all. and we know we're in for a ride, rethinking the past year, setting goals for the year ahead. i love the breath of a new year, unfettered, uncloying..light and breezy, waiting for a new whiff. the old year sits like a backpack on your back, full of memories, moments, experiences, and of course, the lessons to take away.
and so the new year has begun, whizzing by. resolutions down in pen. let's take a big bite out of 2010=)

you are the butter to my bread and the breath in my life...

2010-01-07T18:40:00.003+08:00

Isn't this a lovely kitchen?
It's Julia Child's kitchen, the French Chef portrayed by Meryl Streep in the recent movie Julie & Julia, which i just saw this afternoon, flopped in bed in my jammies, down with a throat infection that made me feel like dying.

The movie made me feel like living, though. and cooking. so i pottered out to the mart downstairs in the slight drizzle and cobbled some meat and seafood together. What Julie Powell did in the movie and in real life,really, was embark on a radical journey. To cook 524 recipes from Julia Child's cookbook in a 365 days and to blog about it. It's the radical journeys that the world takes notice of, really. Like when Chin Yew quit his job and painted every day for a month and 30dayartist.com sparked off. These are the things that changed lives begin with.

It is still the first week of the new year. There is time yet for me to be inspired and set off on something that will take my "writing" out of my head of sandcastles and onto some permanent plane of existence.
Meanwhile I'm off to cook.

From Julie Powell's real blog...

Friday, August 13, 2004

I don’t know what to say.

Julia Child was ninety-one years old when she died, late yesterday, in
her sleep. It’s the death that all of us want, after a life so full it
would seem she was one of history’s true lucky souls, if only luck had
had anything to do with it. She enriched the lives of thousands – my
life she quite literally turned around. She died well-loved, and I
hope she died well-fed. There is no tragedy here. It’s a day for
remembrance, and celebration.

So why am I so fucking sad?

I heard this morning. I was working on my book – I’m always working
on my book, only “freaking out over” would probably be a better term –
when the emails started pouring in. Condolences from my relatives, and
my friends, and my blog-friends, comforting me as if I was suffering
the loss of a family member. I never met Julia Child. I have no
particular reason to think she’d even have liked me if I had. I have
no claim over the woman at all, unless it’s the claim those who have
nearly drowned have over the person who pulled them out of the ocean.
And yet I do feel this loss personally, as a great six-foot-two hole in
my world.

Julia Child began learning to cook when she was thirty-seven years
old. She started because she wanted to feed her husband Paul. She
started because though she’d fallen in love with great food late, when
she did she’d fallen hard. She started because she was in Paris. She
started because she didn’t know what else to do.

Who knows how it happens, how you come upon your essential gift? For
this was hers. Not the cooking itself so much – lots of people cook
better than Julia. Not even the recipes – others can write recipes.
What was Julia’s true gift, then? She certainly had enormous energy,
and that was a sort of gift, if a genetic one – perhaps the one thing
about her you can pin down on the luck of the draw. She was a great
teacher, certainly – funny, and generous, and enthusiastic, with so
much overbrimming confidence that she had nothing to do with the
surplus but start doling it out to others. But she also had a great
gift for learning. Perhaps that was the talent she discovered in
herself at the age of 37, at the Cordon Bleu School in Paris – the
thirst to keep finding out, the openness to experience that makes life
worth living.

She was no bending reed, of course. She had no use for silly,
fear-driven food fads; she could be set in her ways, even mulish, and
when she wanted to she could be withering. That’s fine. That’s good
even. We don’t need saints. Who changes their life under the
influence of a saint? Okay – don’t answer that. But the point is –
Julia was so impressive, so instructive, so exhilarating, because she
was a woman, not a goddess. Julia didn’t create armies of drones,
mindlessly equating her name with taste and muttering “It’s a Good
Thing” under their minty breath. Instead she created feisty, buttery,
adventurous cooks, always diving in to the next possible disaster,
because goddammit, if Julia did it, so could we.

This morning, I was writing about lobster murder. As anyone who’s
here will remember, Julia’s instructions for Homard a l’Americaine were
particularly troubling. Now, bisecting a living lobster is not an easy
thing to do – not for the cook, and certainly not for the lobster. I
still feel a little bad about it, and this morning I was writing
something maybe a little resentful about how I had visited this torture
on a crustacean on Julia’s directive.

She told me I could do it, so I did, and it was hard. I don’t ever,
ever want to do it again – not for her, not for anybody. But it was
important that I do it once. Killing that lobster made me face up to a
lot of stuff that bothers me – stuff about responsibility, and hard
decisions, and carving (bad word, maybe) a place in the world I can be
comfortable in. I would not have done it without Julia to tell me –
“Go ahead – What could happen?”

There’s so much I would not have done. Because it would not have been
there for me to do. Without you here, I would be a different person –
a smaller, a sadder, a more frightened person.

So thank you Julia. Thank you.

I don’t believe in this kind of thing, and I sort of get the feeling
you don’t either, but I’m going to make an exception in your case. I’m
going to choose to believe that tonight, you’re eating sole meunieré,
with Paul, and you’re lifting a glass to toast whatever comes next.

Bon Appetit.

for you

2009-12-17T12:55:00.002+08:00

metafiction

2009-11-01T02:43:00.007+08:00

i do not write on this blog often. when i do, i coat it with ambiguity. i do not write of specific happenings, or dissect my feelings and thoughts on this, that or the other. i don't want to be reduced into something less than what is. i do not want to be bare upon the table, a cadaver for an enquiring mind.
but i have a voice that sometimes longs to be heard in words, strung along into a chain of meaning. a meaning that reflects a truth. a truth that is often masked... how can i say something to someone and no one and everyone at once?

it is a cold, chilly, rain-dripped early sunday morning. in my mind it is still saturday because that makes the weekend seem longer. so it seems like i have more time to slowly pluck off the post-its on the side of my desk. each yellow post-it note bears an essay or assignment to finish in the next couple of days or so. the post-its are yellow but not so sunny.

i am missing him. weekend after weekend i try to edge him out little by little so that i have more time to spend on my readings and other things to do. i want my alone time. i want my get my room in shape time. i want my space to breathe. it has only been 3 days and all i want to do is see him. let him keep me warm. tell him my thoughts on the Michael Jackson "film" I caught today. it is 8pm in Spain. perhaps I could sneak a call, just to say hello from across the oceans...

i am prone to displacement, replacement of thought upon thought, stream upon stream of consciousness. i can convince myself of alternate realities. I can, I am, I want, I should.
maybe i should.
just write my essays. and stop thinking, stop feeling.

meanwhile, i pray your brother finds his way home this very moment..

why do you let me tell you how to live

2009-10-01T15:32:00.008+08:00

let me tell you how to live,
because i am older and more experienced
i have walked on this earth longer and thus should know
the curveballs that spring from the indentation of nothingness
i have been through the whole gamut of loss, pain and failure
but not the suicide of a peer

let me tell you how to live
because i know
that wall you build around your self, the one u insist you cannot move
i know that you can and within you there is power

let me tell you how to live
because i am composed most days
even when my flyaway hair has gone amok
and the colours i wear are mixed from a wavering brush
and even though the flinging hurt that lashes across from uninformed surmises
and that hollow echoing of blank stares pit me against myself

let me tell you how to live
because i know you deserve a love that is undeniable in its certainty
a love that wraps your soul and snuggles up to your own faltering ego
a love that laughs along with your bizarre cartoon outbursts
and skips along with you in the middle of the mall
a love that sings to your heart even when the phone doesn't ring

let me tell you how to live
because life ain't about not having things to worry about or to feel broken down by
but by looking back and knowing you found a way out of the pits
and knowing that every single fleeting moment you can decide
you can choose
you can reinvent yourself
and be the greatest you that there ever was
and that that will be enough
for you, for him, for her, for me, and everybody who cares to feel

let me tell you how to live
because we all have our own ideas
of how to live
and even me myself my plucky I
wake up every morning just to learn a little morsel more
face my path, climb my hills
for that glimpse of dawn
and that breath of serenity

how to be a stiletto by pooja nansi

2009-10-01T15:30:00.000+08:00

Give the gift of power.

Not just by rising up to heights, but by knowing
that pain can be overcome
with stubborn audacity.

Show that appearances are more important than reality.

The blistered, chafed parts of you
must at all times
be covered in sequins,
so that even if you feel battered,
you look invincible in all your glory.

Expose the seduction, spunk, spirit that's been
quashed by the lazy wandering of easy flat planes.

Remind everyone that safe
is not wondrous.

Gratification
is not the same as contentment,

and that gracefulness
has nothing to do with
ease.

Recognise that red is your best colour,
that you are a tool and a weapon all at once.

Harness your ability to keep someone
under your heel and grant freedom
from the same point
of your existence.

Walk sufferers of low self-esteem
enlightened into the night.
Make sure they wince
only once the music dies,
when they are safe
from the public eye.

Lead hearts onto dance floors.
Lift them into the promise
of the music to the understanding that

a life lived afraid,
and in comfort,
is no life
at all.

incessant racket

2009-07-21T16:03:00.002+08:00

it is always there
the grinding clamour
of cement brick and plaster
being blasted to smithereens
the deafening friction of machine on wall floor or ceiling
right next door
or below or above me
everywhere i go
in every country i can call home loosely or with firm conviction
with every dwelling i can park my self and my belongings at
every fucking where this incessant pounding and banging
racking havoc with my fragile head
it isn't funny when all i want is peace and some frigging quiet or if not that then at least
the prospect of a head that isn't throbbing
a mind that is free to roam without being hijacked by that whirring rumbling chugging of a ceaseless beast
do i really have to leave the sanctity of home or so it seems this is for now
and shuffle among the potentially unhealthy flu carriers in mall after mall to escape this noise
trade this for another version of calamity
where every penny i cling on to seems magnetized by something bright and colourful and price-slashed
not once but three times over...final reduction!
still my head throbs, my ears ring long after they have gone home to briyani rice
my pages blank unwritten stories and poems stuck within
my rows of books unread
all driven to a sadistic halt by the incessant racket

a musical legend died today

2009-06-26T12:36:00.002+08:00

when i was 12, i got onto a plane and flew alone to kl for a major event. Michael Jackson's HISTORY world tour. It rained that night, but it didn't deter the 80,000 fans clambering for a piece of Michael Jackson's magic. For some inexplicable reason, I had been a fan since i was 5. It was when I was watching his Thriller music video, perched on the edge of a sofa and swinging towards the screen that i fell off and crashed into a glass cabinet and cut my face. I read his biography. I had a huge poster of him in my cupboard. and though over the years there were many reasons to be shy about being a fan of his, the fact remains that he was an incredible musical genius and has contributed immensely to the industry.
he dies mere weeks from his big comeback tour and it is very tragic indeed.
may he rest in peace...

"Gone Too Soon"

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

yet i wallow in the wading pool of mediocrity

2009-05-26T23:26:00.002+08:00

there is nothing left to do for now, but to snap out of it. this looming gloom of every day which sends me tumbling through my very own slow decay. i am here, this is now. tomorrow will come, eventually but 'til then, this listlessness and sad foray will not do. i ponder and i wonder about this extrication of self and sorrow from the famed writing of tomorrow. unwritten, undigested.
yet i wallow.

"One Of The Brightest Stars"

2009-05-24T21:01:00.000+08:00

One day your story will be told.
One of the lucky ones who's made his name.
One day they'll make you glorious,
Beneath the lights of your deserved fame.
And it all comes round.
Once in a lifetime like it always does.
Everybody loves you 'cause you've taken a chance,
Out on a dance to the moon, too soon.
And they'll say told you so.
We were the ones who saw you first of all.
We always knew that you were one of the brightest stars.
One day they'll tell you that you've changed,
Though they're the ones who seem to stop and stare.
One day you'll hope to make the grave,
Before the papers choose to send you there.
And it all comes round.
Once in a lifetime like it always does.
Nobody loves you 'cause you've taken a chance,
Out on a dance to the moon, too soon.
And they'll say told you so.
We were the ones who saw you first of all.
We always knew that you were one of the brightest stars.
And they'll say told you so.
We were the ones who saw you first of all.
We always knew that you were one of the brightest

yet another scam...what's the world coming to?

2009-02-24T11:26:00.000+08:00

Colin Alderman
Partner
Barlow Robbins LLP
55 Quarry Street, Merseyside
Liverpool, L25 6EZ.
Direct Tel: +44 703 180 6846

Good Day ,

This is a personal email directed to you and I request that it be treated as such.
I am Barrister Colin Alderman, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney/sole executor to the late Mr. Dickson, hereinafter referred to as’ my client' who worked as an independent oil magnate in my country and who died in a car crash with his immediate family on the 4th of oct,1998. Since the death of my client in Oct, 1998, I have written several letters to the embassy with intent to locate any of his extended relatives whom shall be claimants/beneficiaries of his abandoned personal estate and all such efforts have been to no avail.

Moreover, I have received official letters in the last few weeks suggesting a likely proceeding for confiscation of his abandoned personal assets in line with existing laws by the bank in which my client deposited the sum of 30 million pounds.

On this note I decided to search for a credible person and finding that you bear a similar last name, I was urged to contact you, that I may, with your consent, present you to the "trustee" bank as my late client's surviving family member so as to enable you put up a claim to the bank in that capacity as a next of kin of my client.

I find this possible for the fuller reasons that you bear a similar last name with my client making it a lot easier for you to put up a claim in that capacity. I propose that 50% of the net sum will accrue to you at the conclusion of this deal in so far as I do not incur further expenses.

Therefore, to facilitate the immediate transfer of this fund, you need, first to contact me via email signifying your interest and as soon as I obtain your confidence, I will immediately appraise you with the complete details as well as fax you the documents, with which you are to proceed and i shall direct on how to put up an application to the bank.

HOWEVER, you will have to assent to an express agreement which I will forward to you in order to bind us in this transaction.

Upon the receipt of your reply, I will send you by fax or E-mail the next step to take. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this proposal is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any fears as the required arrangements have been made for the completion of this transfer. Like I said, I require only a solemn confidentiality on this.

Best regards,

Colin Alderman.

you show up

2009-01-30T14:44:00.002+08:00

somedays you go to work a little late, a little less put together, a little less eyeliner. like none, really.
you trudge along. to the workplace. a little less motivated, a little less focused, a little less of a workaholic.
you surf, and browse and bang out a random poem in 5 minutes.

I was born to live
I was born to love
I was born to be
The one that you deserve
I was born to thrive
I was born to bloom
I was born to smile
And lead you from your gloom
I was born to hold you
And keep you in my heart
I was born to breathe you in
And exhale works of art
I was born to shine
I was born to glean
I was born to make a life
That would something mean
I was born to live
I was born to love
I was born to be
The one that you deserve

and then it's time for lunch. you soak in the break even as you begin to feel, break from what, exactly?
guilt seeps in, in little beads. what have you done so far to deserve the pay you just banked in today. in the morning, before the weekend, which is why you were late in the first place. you keep your wallet closed like a mouth encasing gold, so you're richer for longer. so the pay day glow lasts.
you bank it all in, a sore lesson after having been robbed on pay day 2 months before. your mind dreams and roams and still, at work, you do minimally. work that is.

somedays you go to work, with a little less inclination to do your job. nothing urgent, nothing pending, nothing requires your innate skill.
but at least, you show up...

dreaming with a broken heart...

2009-01-20T16:41:00.004+08:00

if who i am is what i have, and what i have is lost then who am i?

and what if what i've lost are not mere possessions? but a huge part of your soul?

and you know not how to mend the gaping hole, the bridge you burned to walk your own path.

you dream and your aching heart roams in a parallel world.

john mayer wrote a song," dreaming with a broken heart". he says of the song, it's about how you've had a fallout with someone and in your dreams all is well, then you wake up and realize man, that person still hates me..."

i liked the song long ago, never realized it'd end up resonating with me so well.

namecards...

2009-01-20T16:29:00.003+08:00

after many weeks of meetings, concerts, networking sessions (and a primary school reunion) of meeting various who's whos in the industry and beyond, our HIGHLY dependable and EFFICIENT printers (ask me who not to use next time!) have delivered my new namecards.

this is not my first or second namecard, but it is the first that isn't under a company which belongs to my parents. haha. o joy.

and now to seek out the ideal namecard case, which will embody professionalism, class and a tinge of my individual personality with a touch of quirkiness. and can fit at least 10 cards at a time. think i can get one for sgd5? heh.

anyone wants my namecard??=)

p.s the above post was written in a state of delirium brought on by acute flu n sinus attack. please ignore all degrees of nonsensicality.

in the span between then and now

2009-01-04T21:23:00.004+08:00

much has happened.

this is the biggest understatement.

my life has changed drastically.

i did it.

God did it.

they allowed it.

i travelled quite a bit. like a whole lot in fact when juxtaposed with my total travellers' miles in the 24 years before.

there was new zealand.

oh the sights. the scenery.

there was the travel bit. and the journey itself. (spiritual journey as that fashion designer from london says) with my emotional baggage.

and the finally visiting marie leg of the trip which was sublime.

so many things about this trip was sublime.

so much so that the stories from here will form my first book. (no joke)

other travels included kl, kuantan, jakarta. my first visit to indonesia really, to rebuild family ties with someone and taste the life there. caught up a fair bit with old old friends in kl and had a great time doing so.

i have relocated to singapore. awaiting my return to university come august. meanwhile i have a job. a rather decent one too. celebrated a milestone.

all the while, adjusting, adapting. spanning my wings. i carry in my heart, a heavy bag of sadness. i try to stuff it deep, wedge it away so i can breathe. so i can live. so i can move on and slowly think of how to make amends. how to mend bridges.

during the new zealand trip, the pain was at its most intense, nay it comes back sometimes in sudden spurts, but then it was fresh, it was new, it was raw. and all i could do was look around at the beauty. surrounding. every corner of that land. and see God's big smiling face.

and then i could rise above it.

and then there was christmas. i desperately tried to recreate some semblance of christmas as i knew it. and it was ok. christmas was alright.

it is a new year now. i have had my say. what little i could muster. it is far from fixed. but i can look ahead. to brighter times in that particular pasture and thank my God for bringing my through.

for still putting bright lights and pillars of hugs in my way. good friends old and new. near and far. and my patient perpetual companion.

it is a new year now.

and in the span between then and now.

much has happened.

here's wishing all of you a fabulous 2009!

the unthinkable

2008-11-11T12:25:00.002+08:00

there is no easy way to do the unthinkable. how is it that we begin to cross the boundary in our mind, when do we take the first step over the imaginary line which demarcates the natural reflex, and the unthinkable audacity.

oh to be bold is to be weak?

to be daring is to be selfish?

to dream and wish is to insult your current position. commitment hitherto.

to do the unthinkable you must rise. above all expectation. all promise of condescension.

to do the unthinkable you must think it and grasp onto that hope that God will love you nonetheless.

i have done the unthinkable and i have begun to taste the sweetness of a new horizon.

in a realm where i can be just me.

and that is okay.

that is enough.

that can possibly even be noble.

or am i merely masking my guilt?

grace

2008-08-27T20:18:00.004+08:00

i long for peace and purpose,
voice and reason,
a burning passion
a snowflake in season

an open field
a deep breath
a vast sea of phosphorescence
laid out before me
fine sand beneath my toes

i long for patience
and a quiet if reluctant understanding
that malice is never my intention
pain the last thing i wish to dish out

i long for the twisted knots around my conscience
to uncoil
i long to know that this is finally what i should be doing
should have stepped up to do
a long time ago

then again

this time seems good
this time seems ripe
this time i know its time
in the throes of sorrow
irreconciliable digits
like the ones i struggle to balance
on many a bright saturday night

the thing i say i would never do
may be the very thing that makes me me
the very thing that i've hungered for
longed for
all this while
martyrdom does not become me
my fake white gown is tainted

i long
how i long
for grace
in my weary flight
from this place

Tis' the season to be jolly

2007-12-21T12:15:00.000+08:00

My heart is bursting with christmassy feelings, tugged by Christmas carols, swayed by red and green. My blog however has been dismal. Once again i lament how time just flies. Leaving me in a whirlwind of to do lists. I wish i could slow it down so i could relive my December, get everything in shape. Really savour the moments.
Yesterday i got my Christmas wrapping done. Finished my christmas shopping. Squeezed in a nice al fresco bagel lunch at the Bean. Did laundry. Cleaned and tidied my room. (Gets to a point in one's life when you just can't find too many things you know you own that you have to do a mini overhaul). Watched 2 dvds. HIlarious, laugh-out loud numbers (Heartbreak kid with Ben stiller & the chuck & larry with adam sandler)And made my mum's birthday card. Even cooked dinner for bro and i. Quite a productive day i must say. The only gloomy thing bout it being that i am now so broke.
What a lovely time to have a public holiday i must say. With the folks away, the mice get busy!
Lotsa fun happy days ahead..fa la la la la la.

it's november

2007-11-12T22:31:00.000+08:00

ohmygosh. my last post was so long ago. ok ok, i can see now why my friends have been grumbling.
i had this deep desire to blog on friday the 2nd of november. this is how it would have went...

how was your day today?
mine started at 5.50am when roxie, our exuberant dog started barking and howling and barking and barking and howling. you get the picture. Now i am a light sleeper. so i woke up. wondering what the ruckus was about. afraid that if i opened my balcony door to check it out some black masked figure would appear at the grilles. i tried peering through the glass doors, to see if anything was amiss. couldn't see shit. our other older dog was lying peacefully sleeping. finally i summoned up the courage to step onto the balcony and look out at the road. nothing. but roxie kept barking. it was about 6.10am when i walked downstairs to investigate. and discovered that the maid had run away.

geez.

this is not amusing.
at all.

what a chicken. what an ass. what a blinking wuss.

anyways. shall save the juicy bits for this i'm gonna write based on my experience with maids. bitter experiences, mind you.

anyways.
an update in pictures...

massive purge

2007-09-17T22:37:00.000+08:00

in order of things i've been wanting to blog about. my mouse died. i got a cheapo rm25 replacement for purely functional reasons (you know how girls would always go for the prettiest looking mouse or speakers but this time i had to be practical.

this is what my old mouse looked like. i got it from sim lin in singapore years ago.
this is how it died...
and this is my new hideous wonder. sigh.

i've finally got the latest mandy moore album i've been waiting for.
there's a song on it called all good things and at first i thought it was such a nice happy song. but then it's all good things..come to an end. how apt. no? sigh. i also got nelly furtado, and i can't help liking the music on this one despite the highly sexually charged lyrics on some. hey, i like the beats, k. next i will be buying timbaland. and of course, no trip to the mall is complete without getting a few dvds to shake my weekend up.
this last weekend i got started with designing xmas cards for santa's workshop to get going.

it's that time of year again. i also managed to scrap this.
and took my sister out for a movie, Hairspray and some shopping, just me and her. it was swell. this is probably the start of a new level in our relationship, a new phase as she gets older.

hung out a lot with my folks. maybe so i wasn't so alone. but then i watch my movies and of course every romantic scene reminds me of what we had(have?), and the uncertainty of it all.

and now i am down with the doggone flu. shucks.

........

2007-09-10T23:04:00.000+08:00

when words fail...

learning to breathe

2007-09-07T22:00:00.000+08:00

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

this post was going to start off completely differently. but then i came across the above quotation. i spend the end of each day these days, alone in my bed, grappling for comforts of the past and my now elusive hold of the future. i sleep earlier but it is a fitful sleep. and i think my heart is crying.

perhaps i should chant to myself;
live in the present, live in the present.
but in my present, he is not here. and i don't know where he'll be in the future. which is what sparked this whole trauma, of course.

for now, i shall just learn to breathe. and focus on other things in my present and my chosen future. my career, the business i am helping to build, the craft i am honing. think of how to garner more income. think of how to be a better daughter, sister, friend. think of how to be nicer, kinder, better, stronger. healthier, even.

it is harder to breathe now. and the tears store themselves in my imposed cement refuge.

but i am still me. ain't i?
and i am okay. by myself. aren't i?
this is the goal. to say i am. no matter what.

merdeka day

2007-08-31T18:37:00.000+08:00

before composing this post i read what i blogged about last merdeka day. it is fun to see progress, change, growth. perhaps i'm achieving my own independence. today i feel good about myself, about my life. i've gone on at great lengths about merdeka over here so i shan't walk down that road again.
with one area of my life, a huge area really, one that i delineate much time and effort and energy and mostly heart to; things seems, heck, things are shaky and uncertain but perhaps (at least for now), i can be strong and have faith. i want to be... self-sufficient, in a way that no one can take away my sense of self, my sense of worth. i want to be able to face anything and still have myself intact. self. what a strange concept. someone wise once told me that in finding one's self, you would ultimately find that there is no crystallized self to be discovered.
i hate the feeling of thinking myself victimised, or oppressed. whatever choices, whatever life, i choose. chose. was chosen for. it is true, being overemotional does put one at a disadvantage. and oversentimental. and too romantic. oh give me sense, more sense and sensibility.
i have rekindled a friendship with an old classmate. isn't that nice? especially when even before it was a somewhat volatile friendship, to have suddenly each grown up to fit into each other's lives and be able to understand each other and be understood. this morning, we woke up early on our public holiday, went to the botanical gardens to walk, then pop over to the wet market to have breakfast and for me to do the marketing. she even helped me carry my fish and veg. thank God for friends. i had a great time and all before 10am. thanks dee.
went home, showered. cooked lunch for my family. ate said lunch. helped sarah plan her study timetable. (now this is one thing i have a knack for) she shared with me high school musical 2 tunes, and then begged me to let her give me a makeover. in other words, put make up on my face. then i did hers. and we took pictures. i am glad for spending time together without her getting hostile. so that's what this 14 year old is into now. make up. hmm. sigh. growing up too fast.
there is still light left in the day and i'm going to help dad scrub down garden urns while he and bro plant trees into our barren garden. the day is turning out deliciously. though i fear tomorrow. and what it may or may not bring. and how i should or can react. and whether hearts will be broken, and if so, whose?
but for now i will give thanks for this day. for independence. for peace. for my nation. for my family. for friends. for my hair that now takes me only 1 minute to do every morning;). and for everything my God has brought me through and will...

in 2 days i will live in a palace, with a view

2007-08-08T00:56:00.000+08:00

just because i wanna keep the momentum going.
in my attempt to blog regularly. i count this as tuesday night ,k so this is a daily occurence now.
drove home alone today. solitude is sometimes a luxury, especially when driving.
drove to the new place, greeted by classical music playing. so posh. so exciting. curtains all up, the living room feels like it could be a ballroom in a jane austen book, but not in an old fashioned way. i can't wait to live there. in 2 days i will. my eyes tear as i look around at the home my folks have provided for us. (not entirely rent free=p) did i already say i can see the sea from my room balcony?
dinner with folks which included steamed fish, which is always a luxury. then home to pack, and make boxes and cut up bubble wrap eventhough i was pooped.
showered again at 1 am, and in the shower it hit me that my blog is linked to my facebook. which is a little troubling, as now my inner sometime geek-ness is now exposed to my elite facebook entourage.
crikey.
but oh what the heck.
i peeked at my baby sister sleeping today. which doesn't happen so often these days. she isn't so baby these days, she is nearly as tall as me. she is a teenager. in sleep she is the sweetest thing on earth, awake she could be. sometimes.

voyeur

2007-08-06T23:10:00.001+08:00

the dictionary function on my microsoft word for mac makes me giggle as i look for the exact definition of my title. so as not to twitch noses, or raise eyebrows. nevertheless, i'm sticking with it.

curious?

voyeur.
look it up.
and don't be cheeky.

tiptoed a little beyond my regular daily links on the world wide web. chanced upon some interesting blogs, there are people who i can relate to after all, whom i actually know but never knew that well. you see what having someone's blog url can do; direct access.
eye opener; people (regular type people not attention seeking whores from pre-adolescence) freely discuss their brazilians in their blogs! shocker. nyuk nyuk.
then again there are those like me whose blogs are like convoluted mazes whisking through mere sneaks and peeks of the true person behind such opaque ramblings. so much for direct access. care for a puzzle anyone?

so what does this tell me?

write more.
be real. attempt to not hang the veil so thickly over my words.
in simple words..don't care so much what people think.
yet its scary isn't it? i'm not as thick skinned as you may think. you may write something, share something, never knowing who'll read it and what they'll make of it.
tricksey.

mei needs a social life.
i make too many excuses for myself and haven't yet mastered the art of being useful and ever present during the weekend and catering to domestic necessities and also having family time while having me time. my weekends aren't very long after all. perhaps after the move. but then i'll love the house and my room EVEN more. more reasons to stay home on a saturday night.

now this ain't so hard. i used to say i want to blog everyday, then i'd make it so evry post is an event in itself, and the censoring, dear Lord, takes forever. by that i mean omitting the personal details, to protect the privacy of the people around me, the place i work etc. so complicated! hiak.

i do feel a slight ever so slight sense of liberation now. i can write more and try to worry less.

some things to smile about today:
got my moleskine prizes in the mail
had a mini karaoke session with sarah=p

is there an artist inside you?

2007-08-06T22:58:00.001+08:00

Artmakr Weekend!

When was the last time you picked up a brush, or a pencil, or a crayon?

How did that feel? Whether you think back to yesterday, or many many years ago, you probably recall a feeling of pure freedom and bliss. This is an invitation to feel that bliss again, and to show your art, in-front of an encouraging and supporting audience. A safe audience. This is also an invitation, to be that audience.

Introducing: Artmakr Weekend!

An online themed art exhibition, that YOU are invited to participate in. Stick-men and Master Paintings are all welcome to mingle with one another. See you there!

Still here?Great, help us extend this invitation, by re-posting this article on your blog, or emailing it to your artist friend (we know you have one)
Is there an artist inside you? We think so.

Create!

my blog was getting boring

2007-08-04T14:59:00.001+08:00

my blog was getting boring. so i put up some pictures of a recent project. using elsie's amazing toby range from the love,elsie collection. elsie flannigan is an inspiration to me, every time i read her blog or browse her layouts i am spurred on. her photos are phenomenal. mine are crap a lot of the time.
sigh.
well, we all gotta start somewhere.
needless to say, i have been busy with work, and preparing to move house with my family. nevertheless i am intent on blogging more and letting my blog reflect me more, the way these scrapbook celebs have theirs. as much as they are well known figures, i guess the scrapbooking clan are generally a down to earth species. the world wide web is seriously amazing cos u can read a scrapbook magazine then like a particular designer's style and her articles then google her on the net then keep her bookmark for a direct link to her life and times and scrapbooking lines. how neat is that? a little freaky too but hey times are a-changing.
am attempting to write more. i do dabble with BW
and been thinking of writing for this much more politically, socially potent platform for influential writing and will also maybe write for this booming new fabulous website from one of the founders of 30dayartist
apart from my day job. and other regular stuff regular adult 23 year olds do. then again not so regular since i'm a bit of an oddball.
on a totally unrelated point, i am so thrilled bout the new rapid penang buses. not that i have taken a public bus in penang for the past few years but that is exactly my point. the new buses seem very civilised! i am thrilled that penang is moving up in the public transportation area. whoohoo.
more to come...

some sundays are tops

2007-07-01T23:54:00.000+08:00

i had a great sunday.
which is not to say that i did nothing contributive to the general public.
which is not to say that i had the whole day all to myself.
but it was great.
nuff said.

The past lurks...

2007-05-22T23:23:00.000+08:00

So goodbye
Will you please step out of my dreams
So much for building the friendship now that the attempt to do the awkward dance
Is over and done with
So much for being the bigger person
So goodbye
The deliberate snub was so unnecessary
But thanks for that one little last slam
To make me tougher stronger independent
So much for being the mature one
And that was one thing I was grateful for
So goodbye
Now please stop haunting my dreams
I imagine your killer stare
The cold fierce one
And I am terrified
I thought you were the teddy bear
Why the hell do you still have a hold on me
Why should I care why should it bother me
That you’ve neglected to reply
Over and over
Deliberately repeatedly making me feel to blame
And shitty again and again
But it wasn’t all me
And where would you be now anyways
If I hadn’t been so bold
You would run faster than the swiftest wildebeest
At the slightest peep of the shit I’ve had to go through since
And it has been years now
So where’s your courtesy
I never wanted to say the final goodbye
But now you’ve wedged it in my chest
Thank you for making me feel like an incessant pest
And why should I even care
So goodbye
Will you please stay out of my dreams

..

must be different

2007-05-15T22:31:00.000+08:00

my dad always says..
must be different la u! in a tone of slight disgust and annoyance at my failure to conform.
like when everyone orders wan tan mee thin one, i'd want fat one.
or when everyone orders hokkien mee, i'd want the maggi mee version.
or when people want the white sugar man chang kueh, i want the brown sugar one.
hey, i'm adventurous. and anyways, im not different ALL THE TIME.
so i'm an individual.
so anyways, last saturday nite bro n i drove over to gurney drive to get tau fu fah for the folks.
yes we were sitting at home doing our stuff on a SATURDAY nite. hey working folks like to enjoy their saturday nites,k. besides parents were away for few days before and we wanted to be home. so we landed in soyaland. aand of course i wanted the tau fu fah with BROWN sugar. rebel that i am.
saturday nite ate beancurd jelly with longan. tau fu fah in fridge.
sunday nite, had crepes for dessert. tau fu fah in fridge.
mon nite. bang bang bang on my door.
OEI! leave ur TFF in fridge for so long. summore BROWN sugar no one else wants. so i go down to eat my TFF.
and..
UGH.
with brown sugar it tastes like pi pa gao and tau hu.
lesson learnt.
sometimes the majority is right. and has good taste.

p/s for those not used to the pi pa gaoslang/spelling it is some old man brand cough mixture thick and bblackish brown kinda sweet, very useful for throat problems, not a friendly dessert tho.

creative outlet

2007-05-06T23:46:00.000+08:00

the joy of creating something makes your weekend worthwhile..

ryoma japanese restaurant

2007-05-06T23:23:00.000+08:00

post in old vein (limited viewpoint)

today mum took us 3, siblings for lunch at ryoma japanese restaurant. its a relatively new spot along jln tanjung tokong..the food was yummy and i certainly was tickled by their choice of earthenware crockery and their pumpkin green tea pot. yes it looked like an actual pumpkin. lotsa of choices, and the menu features many pictures of the food so you'd have a very clear idea of what you'll be eating.

etc etc etc

post in new vein (more social commentary)

today mum took us 3, siblings for lunch at ryoma japanese restaurant. its a relatively new spot along jln tanjung tokong..the food was yummy and i certainly was tickled by their choice of earthenware crockery and their pumpkin green tea pot. yes it looked like an actual pumpkin. lotsa of choices, and the menu features many pictures of the food so you'd have a very clear idea of what you'll be eating.
now what struck me most, aside from the giant sakura die cuts against the black walls and the origami cranes hanging around, was the serving attitude of both the tau keh (boss/owner) and tau keh so (boss's wife) as one would expect they'd greet you with a bow, welcome you, smile etc. but throughout the course of your meal/visit, you can see how they're watching over all the diners. the tau keh so herself comes and clears your dishes, and the tau keh came out to give my bro his namecard.
now the most interesting things is this..
on the back of the menu there are profiles of the tau keh whose name is hiro something and the chief chef who is japanese too. you are entertained and enlightened by the brief biodata of mr hiro complete with a letter to patrons. the tone of the letter is one of complete sincerity and humility. he is so humble like he's so pleased to come and set up business here in penang etc etc and if you have any comments etc.. "i need your help always". the chief chef, on the other hand shares his "idea of cooking after 44 years.."SEEK GOOD FLAVOUR". simply put, yet profound i tell you.
now that in itself draws you to the place as a whole and you're happy to patronize the place. totally. especially since the cream cheese oysters are KILLER=)
and so, after lunch as we were making our way out mr hiro (who looks like he could be a japanese prime minister) walks us out, bows, says thank you (flanked by his chinese wife)(who also bows) and proceeds to open our car doors for us. talk about good service man.
the whole point is it's not just about the acts of servitude but their whole attitude that just says something about mankind. a special clan of mankind who are gentle and serving and humble.
if only we could all be like that. on that note, i'm off to watch heroes. again=)
til my next attempt at a better blogpost, i leave you with this message..
Seek Good Flavour..
(in penang its not so hard)

blogger hall of shame

2007-05-06T23:14:00.000+08:00

i am realizing today
that my blog
is a tad immature.
completely touchy feely
devoid of rousing national sentiment or any sort of revolution.
i do not seem to have words like revolution. generation. mankind. unlike this guy over here..
sigh.
what sort of writer am i if not to ignite passion and wonder and the hope for a brighter future.
not just for individuals but for the collective community
what do i believe in?
what do i stand for?
apart from the joy and wonder of gift vouchers, and good food for lunch and pretty papers?
i need a more macro telescope.
even if not to discuss politics then at least what's ont he front page of the Star newspaper.
paris hilton sentenced to prison. nyuk nyuk.
and so, i publicly vow to increase my peripheral vision and then transpose it to this repository of thoughts.
generate feedback from the community.
create a forum of sorts for us to dictate our world, our future.
"pinky, let's take over the world" muahahahaa.
ok.omit the last one.

may day

2007-05-01T19:02:00.000+08:00

plan for the day ( a HOLIDAY!)

1. go out with friend (possibly to queensbay for a change) sorta an adventure to utilize borders gift voucher, catch up, have a yummy lunch and catch a movie
2. play by ear

what i did accomplish today
1. brunch with folks
2. tidied out desk drawer which led me to
3. sort and go through memorabilia box which led me to
4. write an email
5. refolded all clothes in cupboard and tidied it (finally)
6. made sandwiches for sarah for tea and kept an eye on her so she wouldnt feel too lonely
7. composed email to sned out to ppl on mailing list (for shoppe)
8. checked out websites of scrapbook shops in sg which led me to...
9. ogle the new stuff entering the scrapbooking world
10. cooked tomato-ey meatballs for siblings for dinner
11. blogged
12. changed bedsheets
13. tidied up my ribbons for scrapbooking
14. backed up photos and cleared space on lappie(yes, its still functioning fine and now i can import songs to itunes=)
15. fiddled a bit on facebook
16. uploaded some photos on friendster
17. chatted on ichat

the night is still young...

i hope to do the following
1. work on travel moleskine
2. scrap with sarah
3. dinner
4. possibly watch some tv

arhhh. seize the day indeed. and tomorrow... another holiday!!! hope to go back to the shop/office to do some work tho..

happy labour day everyone. for those yet to enter the working life, trust me public holidays are a huge deal=)

where do i begin?

2007-04-10T22:34:00.000+08:00

and this is just the plain coloured cardstock i now have in my stash. wait til you see the patterned papers.=)
now all i need is oodles of free time to get scrapping away and unlimited photo printing facilities=)

lappie woes

2007-04-09T18:08:00.000+08:00

i have a secret.
my beloved lappie is sick. or so my resident geek tells me. after attempting some basic troubleshooting like verify disk. or verify disk permissions. which i have no idea about. before you smart asses try to shove your know how in my face, this is no ordinary computer...this is a mac. my highly precious mac who has served me well since my initiation into the age of owning my own computer. (which coincided with the age of having any access to unlimited computer time) (oh what joys university life brings to you)
so anyways. beloved lappy had a fall a month or so back. yes. a fall. you heard me. basically, when it happened every curse word in my hidden vocabulary rushed to the tip of my tongue. but of course the fall was at the office, next door to my boss' room, in fact, so all i managed was a bloodcurdling shriek.
so since the fall, i have had a strip of white in the middle of the 2nd quarter of my screen, that is devastating enough. imagine watching dvds on said screen.
anyways, the current problem is one that has been building up. (goodness knows how?) but apparently due to the fact that i dont run disk utility often enough. no one tells me these things. sigh. so anyways, have attempted to back up my files, etc. save for one teeny, tiny, ok not so teeny tiny thing.
my itunes library.
yes, the one i've painstakingly built over the years. currently boasting 2210 songs after obfuscating the lame ones. 8.47 gb of highly listenable music. some danceable, some singeable, but all highlysought after. at elast by me=p. i dont have a portable hd to transfer them to. the mere thought of burning them all onto cdrs kill me. and yet i cant carry on as if nothings wrong or ill really start throwing a fit when (touch wood) my lappie does crash. (God forbid)
it's times like this the idealistic side of me carries on in wonderland, thinking that nothing mjorly bad will happen. reminiscent of novel character becky bloomwood. for a glimpse into the comedy that this character is, allow me to transcribe a letter from her latest book. (coming soon=p)
gotta love it (yes, i do read mindless chick lit like these)

birthday treat

2007-04-07T23:54:00.000+08:00

it takes receiving a body shop gift voucher for me to go in there and spend money! and so i did with the extravagant rm50 gift voucher i got for me bday (thanks sher) and of course got a little something extra. heh, that along with japanese food for dinner, a peek at bookshops and fascinating conversation makes for a suitably enjoyable saturday night. the saturday after my fabulous trip.

lunch escapades

2007-04-05T22:49:00.000+08:00

today's lunch involved a much longer walk traversing new foot terrain since the default lunch plan was pluto-ed by the fact that they weren't open. cheng beng i think. lotsa people on leave too. so, in the end i actually ate at some cafe somewhat directly opposite my office but due to massive traffic one has to walk along the same side of road where i work until one reaches safe crossing at traffic light then cross road then walk down, then into perpendicular street, with cute refurbished old shophouses with too expensive food then down the end of said quaint street onto the next and end up at some not too glam sounding cafe where i order tom yam fried rice for rm5 and the portion is huge. tarpaued half for dinner=p

resurrect the life within

2007-04-04T23:19:00.000+08:00

a lot of the time, we spend our lives living drearily. for some time, in the past couple of months or so except for the intervals where life would perk up, i have my moments of just drifting by. barely have a lunch break and try to work work work my ass off. i dunno if it is the fact that we've already moved shop & office ( a major project that we've been working towards and now it's done..for the most part except that the scrapbook shop ain't ready yet) or because i just got back from my eventful cathartic trip to singapore, but these days i feel like i'm living more. living more is in bringing a little excitement into even the most common things and feeling alive, full of hope and the expectation of adventure. screw the fact that the maid ran away, stop moaning about being incompetent at work and just DO IT, dammit. do what i can the best i can and don't lament. and enjoy my lunch break! and not feel guilty to take a lunch break longer than 15 minutes.
so today i crossed the very busy burmah road, hopped over to junction cafe and had set lunch all by myself, brought my journal too but food came fast, so no time to write. i enjoyed my lunch break.

to sherry

2007-03-16T21:40:00.000+08:00

sherry please blog again!!
if that's what you wanted, a formal plead here it is. i am sure i am not the only one whose infrequent blog wanderings/ checking up on is now sadly wan without the prospect of some delicious banter cacophoning from the words on your blog.

i am 23

2007-03-06T07:55:00.000+08:00

so...another year.
a low key birthday but a happy one at that. a smooth day at work, a lovely dinner with folks and planning my birthday present-a trip to singapore. a long awaited trip to singapore. (does jig)
this is my birthday layout i did for my scrapbook, the 2nd page to this layout features a lenghty bit of journaling which brought me to reassess my life at this point and made me feel a lot lighter than i had been bogged down by stress and worries.
it's an old picture though. more than 2 years old. but i like it. thank you to the person who took the picture, i've never had a picture quite like that before or since.
i'm blogging this a day after so people don't feel compelled to wish me when they didn't really remember in the first place. to those who did, i am truly grateful. i guess i haven't been as vigilant a birthday wisher as i used to be in the past year, being so caught up with work and all, though i've always tried to be.
do you ever feel on birthdays, that you could've been more. should be more. and yet asmany aspirations that we have, while actively taking steps to achieve them on a day where people celebrate you and you celebrate your own life, where you are is enough i guess. at least for that one day. well, i think so. or else what are you celebrating?
so anyways. thank you guys. those who care. ohmigosh, getting old getting old.=p

evolution

2007-02-23T10:19:00.000+08:00

the slow and steady evolution of my gadget history..=)
whoohoo, new phone!
(a more articulate update to come soon)

check this out

2007-02-19T17:22:00.000+08:00

My blog is worth $1,129.08.
How much is your blog worth?

shoppe

2007-02-08T23:31:00.000+08:00

went a little crazy with buying valentine's stuff! couldnt help myself the stuff are lovely!

peek at a sample i made for the shoppe.

another sample valentine for my pretend valentine for the shoppe. giant chipboard shape.

there is a story i'm dying to tell. making it a point to blog this little snippet of a memory from long ago that came to mind today as i was setting up the shop for sale which starts SATURDAY. i'm so excited. anyways,
when i was 9 in std 3, we were doing a topic on money for maths classes and for some reason, maths then was super fun and our teacher made us bring empty boxes and various packaging. they collected at the back. then another time teacher made us trace coins and cut them out. then one day he/she? made us rearrange our desks around the class and we set out the boxes and various packaging made to look as goods and set up shop. the rest of the class took turns being customers buying stuff and we had to practise giving out correct change with out counterfeit homemade coins. it was crazy fun.
i think ever since, or maybe that didnt make that much of a difference but somehow i'd always played shoppe even with myself. funny how now i play for real. calling customers and lettingt hem know a sale is coming up and setting up wondering who'll come is almost like planning a party.
anyways, speaking of party

4 happie little girls' name tags. or they will be happie tomorrow at the scrapbook class/party i'm teaching/hosting.
bright colours, foam stamps, snacks and scrapping. sounds like a fun evening for four 9 year olds and one almost 23 year old=p

chinese new year beckons. can't wait to wear my cheongsam from shanghai=)

obfuscate

2007-01-30T21:58:00.000+08:00

it is alarmingly ridiculous how much we depend on our internet. how much i rely on the internet and hwo terribly frustrating it is to have not been having connection for the past few weeks. can't blog, can't check email, can't download stuff. can't chat, etc etc etc.
other alarmingly ridiculous things to whine about..the new gurney drive roundabout, for crying out loud was stuck at the roundabout for 15 minutes because penang drivers dunno how to use a roundabout.
smog and smoke in my neighbourhood air when im trying to exercise by running. the not fresh air makes me feel even more unhealthy.
alarmingly ridiculous how my money dwindles so fast. the shopaholic relapse. sigh. so much for saving thousands by now and rebuilding my savings after emptying out to pay my laptop loan.
being so darn lonely...

today, a year ago

2007-01-06T16:48:00.000+08:00

today, a year ago was january 6th, 2006. it was a relatively sunny friday. not to me it wasn't.
though it was hard to tell beneath the veil of tears that blanketed my eyes for most of that day.
it was the last day of my whirlwind 3 day trip to singapore to pack up, clear out of raffles hall, withdraw from nus and settle immigration issues with singapore. not to mention attempt to squeeze in time to say goodbye to the few people in my life there that i managed to see before i left. for good.
the day was bleak, my heart was heavier than it had had ever been before. utter depression had taken root within the vestiges of my spirit. to say like i felt like a failure is a gross understatement. what's worse than being a failure is believing you're a success your whole life (amidst intermissions of insecurity) and then slowly but surely setting yourself on fire so that you explode right off your styrofoam pedestal.

nevertheless, there i was. reduced to one big suitcase, two small luggage bags and a backpack, after a harrowing night of offloading many of my possesions that had meant so much to me and yet ended up as wasted money staring at my face..from clothes to ikea furniture to reams of printed,written,photocopied (zapped) notes.
i came home, washed by a cloud of shame. dreading the bleak uncertainty that was my life and the stench of failure that followed me. a sudden return meant an upheaval of domestic dynamics. everyone had to put up with my return, my presence, my very depressed presence at that and my string of baggage. my freedom and autonomy snuffed out. one thing i recall vividly was that mummy cooked my favourite pineapple prawn curry for me that night. she makes that like once a year if even that. and she hardly even cooks at all.

a year has passed. sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and others, it feels like a decade ago. because of everything that has happened since. for a while i could'nt breathe properly, like i was constantly weighed down by my regrets. i woke up with spasms of alternate sharp and dull pains in my chest. i slept as early as i possibly could and dreaded waking up because then all the pain would come hurtling at me. in the present, when i feel like things are tough and i still haven't finished sorting things out, i look back and remember how much worse things were, and how i've come through it all stronger, wiser and better. once again the phrase "this too will pass" rings true. God has his ways...

seeing as this is my first post of 2007, i wanna wish everyone a happy new year. Here's wishing you the hope and faith in expecting a great year and the courage and strength to make it happen.

own me..again

2006-12-29T15:55:00.000+08:00

Own Me

Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live
many are left half read, covered by the cobwebs on my shelf
and i got a list of laws growing longer everyday
and if i keep plugin away
maybe one day i will perfect myself
oh but all of my labor
seems to be in vain
and all of my laws just cause me more pain
so i fall before you with all of my shame
ready and willing to be changed

own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mold me
with your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me

oh you call me daughter
and you take my blame
and you run to meet me
when i cry out your name
so i fall before you in all of my shame
Lord i am willing to be changed

own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mold me
by your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me

oh what a song

2006-12-28T09:24:00.001+08:00

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
And climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when your shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
Where people 're saying,
"My God that's tough, she stood him up!
No point in us remaining.
May as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Now looking back over the years,
And what ever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to have cried the tears
And at sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand, why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart
So badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

maybe

2006-12-27T21:50:00.000+08:00

maybe i should read all my journals and blog posts and diaries. and when im done i should read all the letters i have. and then maybe the cards. and then maybe after that i'll remember who i am or who i used to be or who i was supposed to be. or maybe it'll be gutwrenching stink. or maybe it'll reduce me to the mouse who stole the cheese and couldn't fit it throught the mousehole. or maybe i'll just cry and cry til the cows come home and get milked and then go out to graze again. maybe it might be good to face myself again. last dec 27 was just as bad okay it was probably worse. who's the pot and who's the kettle.

perhaps today

2006-12-27T21:34:00.000+08:00

perhaps today
today i'll have the guts to say what i really mean what i really feel
but every day i've been doing that
a little too much and at the wrong time
so today i got what i deserved
i don't suppose now's a good time to ask
can i take a trip to watch phantom and then some
so much for that
looks like i wont get to book in advance after all
you see why i didnt wanna get all excited and stuff
so now the jam's outta my doughnut
you could say
perhaps today
but no now it's for real
no degree what can i be if i'm out on the streets
and i hate the t accounts the banks might bore me to tears
even at pen ads they shunned me
i wonder why
to this day i wonder
no car to be some marketing fluff
some sales trainee pulling a bluff
and after all it is penang
and i am picky and how will i even get there by 9am?
take a bus unless its in town beg a ride from the bro
and how will i sever the ties that bind
oh wait they've done it for me
but thats the farm i want
gimme the pigs gimme the hay
scrap i want most but oh what the hey
perhaps today
a break might be good
if only i had peace of mind
a piece of my mind
is shorn torn forlorn
perhaps today a break will be good
if it weren't here perhaps
cause a break right here only feels broken
so much for that
perhaps they're hiring at that new mall
gawd knows they need better banners
but its almost an island away well half at least
perhaps i should stop thinking and sleep til new york brings you home
and i stop spilling my guts

tis the season to be jolly

2006-12-18T00:29:00.000+08:00

christmas cards all lined up. these were all sold though, sorry my cards to you folks don't look like these=(.

bricolage

2006-12-17T23:40:00.000+08:00

so i posted this some months back on my scrap blog. which has been collecting dust. surprise surprise.. just thought i'd share it with you guys. this is what i've been up to more or less though in a more business building aspect.

Bri-co-lage. Noun -something that is made or put together with whatever materials happen to be available

I like this word because firstly it has so much meaning apart from the whole scrapbook concept, like making something out of my life with whatever I have and also because it also means collage like what I have been making and fiddling with all these years making collages.

so what is it about scrapbooking or collages for that matter? well,scrapbooking seems like a much more organized and focused way of pulling together bits and pieces that collectively say something and express something you feel, whether visually or through the words. an embroidery of emotions meant to capture the story behind the photos and preserve the moments forever in your own way.
so i scrap. funny ain't it? the word scrap. conventionally taken to mean remnants or discards or waste material. in this blog and in this world of scrapbooking that i have been dipping my toes into, the word scrap takes on a much more positive quality. you scrap because you want to cherish something; a person, a moment, an event, you scrap because you see that bit of extra-ordinary in that something and in doing so you always come out of it happier and more grateful to have something to scrap about. especially when in the process you let yourself go and let yourself be creative.

and so now, apart from all the things i am, i am a scrapbooker. and i am only loving it more and more. getting to share it with other people on a regular basis, (hopefully, increasingly regular) through the shop i work at, only makes me appreciate it more. thank you for grabbing my hand and leading me to this wonderland. it's a lovely something to share with you...

blog

2006-12-17T22:51:00.000+08:00

why is it that i always resist blogging? so many times i say to myself ah i wanna blog bout this or that and then in the end i dont bother. sometimes i think nah who wants to read my boring crap.
like how last sunday i was going to blog about my solitary trip to the market and how the kiam chye man was off having chinese tea with his mates, like some chinese mafia type leading a double life. or how last last friday i stayed back to work at the scrapbook shop til 1030pm and had chapati and crab curry for dinner with bro in little india and came out smelling like bollywood.
or how i went cycling and felt like i could fly with the birds in the wind.
or like how sometimes for no specific reason other than the wearing down of one's spirit, one can suddenly feel so empty and then bounce right back up the very next day with the right amount of positive attention (japanese buffet helps too).
because more often than not nobody really understands so i'd rather keep it all to myself than be misunderstood. the other day i asked sher whether she still keeps a journal and she said no she has a blog. huh. my blog barely contains all the things i wanna pen down. not that ive been keeping in time with my journaling either but with that medium, no one is going to get bored to tears.
perhaps that's why. and probably until i can feel that the line that links me to my readers is not a jagged fray, my blogging will be spasmodic bits of uncontroversial nuances of life.
but now that i've picked up, allow me to say that time is hurtling towards me. christmas is upon us and i'm not ready. usually this season is for me my favourite time of year, it still is but i seem to be too busy to slowly savour it. i have only just today started and finished making my own christmas cards to send out (after making 400 to sell at the xmas bazaar) and if not for that one whirlwind xmas shopping day that fine sunday i would probably be so behind on my present hunting. they're not wrapped yet though. at least i finished mummy's bday card in time.
been hanging with sarah quite a bit. yesterday she says, how come ur so nice today? and i say im always nice to u, you just don't see it. then she says, but you're extra nice today. that girl is growing up so darn fast. sigh.
so i hear there's a borders in the new mall. i am thrilled. not just for me but for the penang reading community at large. can't wait to hit the mall.
a common phrase i often sound out these days is "i feel old". i do man. i probably have grown up a lot this past year...

christmas scrapbook layout

2006-11-19T14:10:00.000+08:00

love the papers=)

end of year pinks

2006-11-19T14:07:00.000+08:00

pinks as in opposite of blues. the end of the year marks the drawing of a particularly festive season, one i've been getting in the mood for for some time now. AND.. people coming home and people coming to see me. the only joy in parting lies in the hope of being reunited, and the moment of reunion is of sheer excitement. welcome home marie!!!!!!
the reds and greens are becoming more prominent as the christmas bazaar waits around the corner. jingle bells jingle bells. and all the christmas stuff in the shoppe!ooo ahhh.

procrastination

2006-11-14T01:15:00.000+08:00

the word itself makes me seem like i'm so lazy but i just have so many things to do. hafta do gotta do should do wanna do wish i could do. in that order more or less.like blog an actual update. or write in my journal. read my james bond book. make francis and sherry's belated bday cards (eep.now they noe i haven't done it yet) email my sometime benefactor about the decision i have made. scrapbook the past couple of months and the big events within them. i whine too much. i didnt know what else to write without diving headfirst into a long drawn out post like about the wedding or christmas cards or my life in general which in general is pretty darn good.
shoutout to my new avid reader. hie. waves. EEEP. just noticed it's 1.20am. gonna be so hard getting outta bed tmr for work.sigh. gotta run.

back on track

2006-11-04T01:06:00.000+08:00

tra laa laa.
I have finally left behind my whirlwind limbo-ing through the washing machine of my remnants.
In simple words. I have chosen, I have prayed, I have decided. About the rest of my life. Or okay, the next few years at least. But I have a direction now. It has taken me, my mind, my heart the courage to explore the possibilities of my deepest desires and my unsung fears to finally see what was in front of me all along. It is funny, that it was only when I actively imagined going back to the life I had left behind, the chasm of the bridge I ripped apart, that I realized that wasn’t the mountain I wanted to cross anymore. My train has left that station. Perhaps all I needed was to let go of an unsubstantiated pull. The one we all feel, the natural course of things, the standard by which we all attempt to measure up to.
I am happy.
God is good.
Of course, the path I have chosen ain’t easy. None of the paths are. But God never promised us easy lives, but that he would walk with us every step of the way. And my way is filled with the things I love, the people I adore.
(this is not a 100 word post..who cares?)
anyways… a few special mentions. Sherry, I noe I noe ive been missing im sorry. I’ll make it up to u I still owe you your bday treat. When you see the hundreds of gorgeous Christmas cards I’ve made you’ll understand. As you always do. (thank god)
marie. YAY, UR COMING BACK SO SO SOON. Happie packing=)
minnie!! miss you la. Pout. White Christmas huh? Study hard,k. all best with exams. None for me. gloat.
xi wen. How’s the stocks girl?
Anonymous commenters. Why so secretive. Can’t sleep at nite wondering who’d deign to drop a line.
Ben. Lunch sometime? Good luck for exams soon too.
Everyone else. Big hugs for enduring me and the mess I’ve been. To new beginnings. Again. (clink)
To the one who always always reads my blog. Thank you for your support and love.=)

cinderella for a couple of days. amazed at the filth the maid allowed to fester. thank goodness she's back.
Horrible food poisoning episode. Silver lining…lost weight. Nice and slim now=)
Back from kuantan trip. Good quality time with family, the ones on the other end of the spectrum. Imagining a peaceful wedding after all with all sides of all families (when the time comes of course). My grandma is quite something.
Shopping spree. Ooo ooo. Finally I own levi’s jeans! Not one but TWO. Ok, im pathetic I know. Got a gorgeous vintage belt which brilliant me forgot to check had enough holes to fit my waist.
My sister the teenager. Sigh. I miss baby sarah. And yet I guess it’ll be cool when we can talk as equals almost.
I-mei has not been broke for SOME time indeed. So who says you can’t teach a dog new tricks. Shopaholic under control.hmm, might I get that adorable piggy bank. Perhaps I should seriously go and buy that iskin for my keyboard before my letters disappear.

Haha. Random snippets. Complain no update. Here’s verbal diarrhoea.

tonight's the nite...

2006-10-19T00:31:00.000+08:00

Almost every day, right about the time after I knock off work, sometimes later, like on my ride home or just after dinner, I’d think, today will be the day where after my pre-planned activities, I’ll go to my room and do something like write a whole chapter of my book or journal or scrap a whole layout or compose an epic blog post or make some very belated birthday cards. I’d think to myself that even if I start at 12am, I’m young, I have energy, I can do my stuff and still wake up fresh for work tomorrow..rightt

box

2006-10-14T00:20:00.000+08:00

i came home. a box waiting for me. it was not the usual parcel. at once i knew who it was from. sarah trots into my room eager to see the contents. But even I’m afraid to know. I subtly shoo her out. Out pops giant funshine. Of care bear fame. What a bundle of sentiments. What a way to churn the wrong sorts of sentiments. Other oddities follow. Amongst my long lost possessions a book from him, “notes to myself, how I struggled to become a person”. Without a note, this is potentially a malicious message and I take offense.

for want of a shoe

2006-10-12T23:06:00.000+08:00

i once watched this ridiculous episode of sex and the city. You’ve probably watched it too. If you haven’t, good on you. I was forced to, it was part of the course syllabus for a film and tv module. In the episode, sarah jessica parker’s manolos go missing at a friend’s party. She demands compensation, in fact a new pair of the same shoe. Her logic goes something along the lines of how since she’s single, has no kids, she deserves getting shoes back from this friend of hers, who has along the way gotten wedding gifts and kids’ gifts. go figure.

auntie i-mei

2006-10-11T00:12:00.000+08:00

perhaps i will become those ah ee types. Okay let me rephrase that, “domestic goddess”? you know those aunties and grandmas that seem to know how to make nyonya kuih from scratch, “pak” bak chang those yummy seasonal pork dumplings, and bake and whip up all sorts of delicacies. Today I cooked some tomato-ey pork dish that I tried to reproduce from the memory of tasting it, boiled some barley and fried some (pre-made by grandma) curry puffs. Oodles of fun. when I have my own home I intend to try new things to cook,bake and prepare all the time…

what it takes

2006-10-09T21:23:00.000+08:00

cry me a river
fly me to the moon
when that is said and done
it'll be all too soon
walk a mile in my new shoes
pointing me ahead
I’ve got the purples I’ve got the blues
On my head they tread
Soul is heavy jazzed up life
Is spinning me around
Twirl till I pick my spot
All I have is me I found
Me myself my plucky I
Me you think I’m sucky
Why I’ll have you know I’ll spring right up
I’m more than just a yappy pup
somewhere I know I’ve got what it takes

just next to the blues

2006-10-02T20:58:00.000+08:00

'Have you got any soul?’ a woman asks the next afternoon. That depends, I feel like saying; some days yes, some days no. A few days ago I was right out; now I’ve got loads, too much, more than I can handle. I wish I could spread it a bit more evenly, I want to tell her, get a little balance, but I can’t seem to get it sorted. I can see she wouldn’t be interested in my internal stock control problems though, so I simply point to where I keep the soul I have, right by the exit, just next to the blues.

this excerpt is from nick hornby's high fidelity. it is greatly amusing, poignant, and genius all at once. The narrator here owns a record shop and is in the middle of woman initiated emotional turmoil, the kind men choose to shrug off and accept nonchalantly, or at least pretend too. Hence the remarkable ambiguity and duality of reference to soul. But I’m overstating. The thing about a paragraph like this is it speaks to you in your own mother tongue, it takes its own significance according to your baggage, your internal set-up, your history,or simply your fascination with words …

blah

2006-10-01T23:25:00.000+08:00

Once you’ve gone of the path of the straight and narrow it is difficult to get back, in my case after being disheartened about writing,and not keeping up with my daily blogging, it gets increasingly difficult to pick up where I left off. So here I am, 10 days after my last post. No one has asked me why I didn’t blog, no one has asked me to blog. Along the way, things cropped up, and I lacked the much needed encouragement to blog again, if even in the form of “when are you gonna update?”no following. Yet I persist.

ink

2006-09-21T22:39:00.000+08:00

Unfurl from within the seams
Carve something from the broken dreams
Lush intent grappling against past’s dent
An eddy of lost hopes and winter’s lament
Mask my imperfection my empty claims
Glaze upon the page the same
Blank except for nitty nothings
Unwitty somethings grasped for
Slighted I row on without my oar
Hitch up my wings maybe I’ll soar
Perchance I’ll collide into a wild boar
Emboldened by chastened ash
Pull out a needle stitch up the gash
I will yet whip soufflé from leftover mash
Pour in the substance flatten the fluff
Austen will have the last laugh

we interrupt this programme to ..whine

2006-09-20T22:53:00.001+08:00

ahem. nobody comments on my blog. isit that boring? or do people not even visit. shrugs. sigh. oh well...

a solitary drive

2006-09-20T22:36:00.000+08:00

isn't it simply liberating? simply gunning your engine and shifting into gear, you step on the accelerator and off you go, you’re going places. Screw the traffic, shut it all out, imagine a classical symphony playing and the cars around you will surely slow down, at least to you it’ll seem so. Even if you turn on the radio, whoever it is miles away, you’re alone with yourself. Sing if you like, funny how you seem to know the lyrics to the most ridiculous songs. Sing your heart out and your journey home or wherever it is will be novel…

neo-existentialism?

2006-09-19T19:45:00.000+08:00

The mere idea that everything exists in its form the way we know it in its particular set of atoms arranged in its particular embodiment and how fragile this balance is, is rather mind boggling. Me, i've never been the sort to question the intricacies of time and space, separate dimensions or parallel planes of occurrences, or how biomolecular structures are easily tinkered with, with the right motive, like how in “the triangle” the navy experimented with making ships invisible. Intriguing indeed, but way beyond my analytical, deductive capacity. Perhaps I’m too simple that way, I’m too accepting and naïve…

p/s watch the trailer for the triangle here..you can still catch it on astro this month on star movies. it's really good.

if only

2006-09-18T19:32:00.000+08:00

today my colleague came up to me, spread a newspaper page on the hood of one of the cars in the showroom then took out his almost identical lottery ticket. he missed the million dollar jackpot by 32 tickets. seemed like a random number though, unlikely that he would’ve picked the winning 6 (or isit 7 ) digit number. He’s upset though to be so close..yet..Got me thinking, what if I had a million dollars. Well, I’d finish up my degree in nus, and invest bout 100k, the rest I’d give my folks for business or whatever else they want..

updated

2006-09-18T01:05:00.000+08:00

finally updated my post bout my round island trip ..here

my sunday's fading awayyy

2006-09-17T22:51:00.000+08:00

for some reason i'm not in a literary mood today. i wasn't even in a scrapping mood til sarah came to me looking all bored and i knew i couldn't just let her do her own thing on a sunday night folks not being in and all, so we got to scrapping. and when it was time to clear up i felt like i wanted to go on. So today I’ve been in a lazy couch potato mood. Sundays are too short I tell ya. Sarah’s bunking in my room tonight and she’s interrupting my train of thought so bye..

and the social life continues..

2006-09-16T21:34:00.001+08:00

how thrilling. i had yet another social event today. close friend back in kl for the weekend, social butterfly me drove home after work changed and went out again. another old classmate joined us and we had a lovely time just yakking and teasing each other and making each other laugh until our stomachs hurt. It is exciting seeing your old friends grow up, the transition from going to school together and then now exchanging business cards and these are those that you can easily connect with again even after being somewhat out of their lives for a short while…

my sarah

2006-09-15T23:12:00.000+08:00

on Tuesday I hung out with my sister, sarah. She’s my baby sister but she’s getting TALL. I don’t doubt that soon she’ll be my height or taller. Thing is she’s 9 years younger than me. I love her to bits, I always have. The other day my brother said, “one day when she’s all grown up she’s gonna appreciate all that you do for her, even the nagging and the tuition,” (that she absolutely dreads). I don’t need her to appreciate me I just really hope she knows that I do all that I do because i LOVE her.

main course bagan, dessert batu ferringhi, torrential downpour on the house

2006-09-14T23:57:00.000+08:00

this may sound sad but i don't have much of a social life. sometimes even when i'm free to go out meet friends i either don't really wanna spend money(me! backlash from too much spending in singapore and having to earn it now) or cherish my free time too much i'd rather do all the things i always wanna do, like read, write, blog, scrap, hang with sister, hang with folks, etc, or sometimes i think i shouldn't go out so i'm at home in case I’m needed or my friends all away. But tonight, I have plans=)

waves upon the shore..

2006-09-13T22:26:00.000+08:00

And all you are is everything I was
more for I was mere shadow
A mimic of what was thought agreeable
A mask a mash of all that’s feeble
And now I gaze from height so low
Gallows shallow mellow hollow
Melt your discontent stir it up with rage
Take it with a year or two til the memories age
Postlude will bask the remnants the husk will fell away
The seed of what was good and true might dance along in May
Your fleeting avatar might haunt me still no more
And yet rise like waves upon the shore..

M is for mei and a host of other words...

2006-09-12T23:47:00.000+08:00

May I make my monogram more memorable by mentioning it more than me and mine might deem a must, if only as a mere mince of mollycoddling to a mindless idea that may or mayn’t matter to one many miles detached. But maid to majesty,
Maharaja to mail-order minion, malapropism is most common to men. Let me assure my mates that I mean no malice, this maladjusted malarkey and maladroit madness ain’t as malevolent as it seems. My manic media will meet its margin and mei might once again melt into melodramatic mixes of microcosms of mimicking life in manuscript.

a birthday

2006-09-11T00:02:00.000+08:00

What are birthdays of people you once made a festival of when now it’s just a phone call if even that. And if that is all you can do within your current circumstances geographical or situational, should you still show you remember? And suppose you do remember, which you always will, even if you try not to for some self-protective reason, which is ironic since you were the one to inflict such complicated awkwardness, suppose you do, should you then make a festival of remembering or make it like a solemn courtesy when inherent well wishes are bound to surface…

..in pursuit of a writing life...

2006-09-10T23:39:00.000+08:00

A weekend gone without scrapping is a wasted one. For me at least. And I feel incomplete especially when I have so many pending scrap projects, like the mini scrapbook for my ah ma whom I have made it a point to visit in kuantan on her birthday come oct 31st. well at least I have selected the materials, chosen the pictures and printed them, so that counts as part of the project.Besides, I’m down with the flu so rest is essential and during my weekend I have also gone marketing for the week and whipped up two new dishes…

the above post is a 100 word post. i am now devoting this blog of mine to a daily 100 word routine in efforts to blog daily and train myself to be succinct. when i feel particularly wordy and expressive i shall unleash such torrents of words here other blog

feel free to comment and even suggest topics for me to yarn about in a mere 100 words.

a holiday

2006-08-31T18:49:00.000+08:00

i don't feel like msn today. at all.
i wonder why. my brother keeps popping into my room saying, HI MEI MEI!!! after the seventeeth time he says i look down and asks what's bugging me. i didnt realize there was anything in particular bugging me. i mean, it's a holiday!
oh yeah to digress a little, it's merdeka day today and sadly all i seem to feel about it for now is yay it's a public holiday. i mean i appreciate my nation's independence and all and i'm rather patriotic but why sound it out today of all days why not just be patriotic all the time? funny my most patriotic merdeka days were when i was in singapore. malaysia night was great fun in raffles hall. we were so keen to remember our roots as malaysians and share that with fellow malaysians singing our patriotic songs and displaying our nation's cultures, funny when you're away maybe you want so much to hold on to that which you came from and makes you you. anyways, happy merdeka day.
maybe i'm a little off today (though not significantly) because i had a disturbing dream again. it's like the same dream in variations, of me packing up to leave raffles hall, NUS, Singapore. it's always different. and it's always disturbing when i wake up and remember. i dunno why. and everytime in the dreams i'm never done with my packing, rushing madly when my plane leaves hours away. in last night's one the darn lights wouldn't go on, it was so dark and i had so much stuff to pack and/or get rid off and he was lying on my bed. not helping. suddenly my folks appeared. and i thought darn im no done packing i have to go now. then dad said we're leaving tomorrow at 930pm. funny. in each version of the dream raffles hall changes. the people change, the buildings change, the feeling changes. even as it continues to change right now, i always remember it the way it was for me before i left...

for sherry

2006-08-21T23:42:00.000+08:00

don't take it from me since what i say means nothing..this is from paul arden, author of international bestseller IT'S NOT HOW GOOD YOU ARE, IT'S HOW GOOD YOU WANT TO BE, former creative director at SAATCHI & SAATCHI and a legend of British advertising.

this square thingy is a meme square. idea plucked from here Meme Square
thanks ming=)

on a separate note.

updates in store..

more hospital tales.

road trip...balik pulau, durians and laksa.

spice gardens.

cameron highlands.

people.

brace yourself...

shout outs to all you patient folks.

very soon

2006-08-07T00:30:00.000+08:00

i have tons to blog about and i will surely be ashamed of myself if i dont blog soon and i will veryy soon. but it'll be a huge chunk so i need to gather myself my thoughts my pictures my time.
i have had a fabulous week=) and i shall blog verry soon=)

round island

2006-07-25T22:32:00.000+08:00

so its sunday and as usual im merely longing for some quiet time perhaps to read, write and scrapbook a little. okie yeah maybe i'll go online for a bit. dad says in the morning, are you coming with us to eat durians? i think to myself err ahh aiyah lazy la there goes my quiet time, moreover im much afraid of getting prolonged sorethroats from eating durian specially after my throat started getting itchy from one mere "hoot" of durian. around me they start to lament the unadventurous anti social mei. hmm. heck, im going. ain't i glad i did. turns out its a full fledged road trip round island to dad's friend's plot of durian farm complete with done up kampung house. it truly is a novelty trekking round the farm and then later sitting at the long kitchen table eating durians with opera music playing in the background on a suitably snazzy piece of hi-fi equipment.several durian "hoots" later, we take our leave thank our hospitable hosts and head on to balik pulau town to have the best laksa on the island. YUMMY.on our journey home we stop at the teluk bahang dam and tak epictures of the glittering water.
ahh..all in all a non typical sunday, spent with family and good food=)

we are moving=)

2006-05-23T20:18:00.000+08:00

My new blog address

mariegrace hng

2006-05-20T01:44:00.000+08:00

i have a confession.
i miss this girl. loads. i recall when you first started using the word "loads" as an adverb, reminded me a whole lot of laundry.
anyways, it's your birthday. or was.
may 19.
who could forget?
happy happy 22nd, my dear.
i have another confession. i don't even remember if i told you before. even if i did, i doubt you remember. the day you left for nz, after your folks dropped me home, i cried. and cried. and cried. like a cow. truth be known, i've never seen a cow cry before. but i probably looked like one, at the time.
and over the years, that sense of loss i felt at your departure has slowly but surely wedged itself into a widening gash. it isn't just your absence that gets to me but the almost total lack of a significant role in your life.
to minus the drama, what that meant is i dont know what the heck you're up to. i can guess, i can expect, i can assume.
i can piece together the bits and pieces i get from your friendster pictures, your occasional letters, and very rare phonecalls.
but still, i'll never know. just as you didnt til that very epic email.

forgive me for the dreariness. what i meant to project is a keen sense of celebration because of your birthday. so, as always, sending you the very best of wishes, may all your dreams come true, and may your angel keep watching over you just as you've spent your life always being someone else's angel.

2006-05-01T23:50:00.000+08:00

"update your blog" they say. i wonder if they really can take it if i were to update with recounts of each fluctuating moment that has taken place in the last 4 months or so. even before that it's not as if i'm one to dish out every gritty detail. "update your blog" they say and when you finally do, "aiYOH-so many words"
then again, i've been so distant and i don't want to be. and yet the thought of leaving even a little of my current affairs exposed makes me content to post a symbolic photo here and there, accompanied by lyrics of a symbolic song, which to anyone of you whom i haven't caught up with for so long could mean almost anything or even nothing. so much for an informative "update", which potentially could bring my pals up to speed with what on earth this girl is up to, having made herself invisible on the radar.
so then..what is left of this repository of thoughts, if only sediments are left here to gather and hopefully meld themselves into a glimpse of me and my life?

new attempt...
a real update...

i now have a rattan chair beneath a lamp with a rug laid out in front of it, in my room. i have christened it-reading corner. and in this little nook, i have or rather am in the process of renewing my love for reading and in reading, deriving the inspiration to write.
i have unburied my ambition to be a writer and seek to fan the flame back into a burning desire. how and when and what are all in the chrysalis stage.
i am taking stock of who i am, and picking up the pieces.
i miss many people and shall start making an effort to be a friend and keep in touch with them and spend time with the few valuable ones who are actually around-geographically i mean.
i am striving to snap out of the funk i've been in and to start being an adult, with a stable disposition.
i am still quite cryptic=p

unwritten

2006-04-29T11:56:00.000+08:00

Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live
that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

keeping it real

2006-03-21T23:42:00.000+08:00

throw caution to the wind and for once blog a post that hasn't been rehearsed,rewritten, or censored.write that indeed things are swirling everywhere, either that or its all a unified blurr.in the midst of the threshold of a new hope,a new plan, a new future,things still come hurtling by that sometimes you just want to crawl under your fluffy dependable wool blanket throw which you brought with you all rolled up straight from ikea to a certain hall on a certain campus, where you had to chuck it into the menacing shapeshifting washing machine and dry it on a nameless rack in a quad for all to see.the same blankie you lugged onto a 12-hr bus ride where your friend was so grateful you had the cow sense to be an auntie who's afraid of the numbing cold amidst the tamil music blaring in the 4am background.the same blankie that tucked you in, in all your confusion and chaos, in all your hope and fear and love and euphoria.the same blankie that you sadly squished back into the same suitcase you brought with you and half your world, to go home where you belong.the same blankie which you insist on sleeping with eventhough sometimes the cold overwhelms the warmth this trusty throw gives. that blankie.so sometimes you put aside your ambition and dreams and determination like putting it on pause for just a few minutes if possible and just want to hide under your fluffy dependable wool blanket throw and milk its comfort for all its worth and wish that the world would just seem a little less confusing and that that feeling of sinking blissfully into that zone can be preserved...

birthday musings

2006-03-05T09:59:00.000+08:00

every year one sits and ponders and wonders. until no words come to mind..
it's just another day, another year. and yet, it isn't.
to those who know how much nice words mean to me today
and the thought that you remembered, thank you.

love,
aster

what i'm beginning to find fascinating..

2006-02-19T20:59:00.000+08:00

An empty room is loaded with meaning, and with possibilities. The principles of design govern the life of the simplest room and transcend all style labels. When well understood and judiciously applied, they can transform blank space into a cherished abode…
SPACE: The first principle of architecture is space and how to set its limits in a way that expands our experience of openness rather than detracting from it. Accurately estimating the exact amount needed rather than simply requiring the maximum amount of space possible has become the most urgent requirement in the proper management of our personal environments. PROPORTION: Proportion is to architects what perspective is to painters: a way to create impressions far deeper and more experientially resonant than the physical world allows. Proportion is the geometry of space, and as such, its principles must be understood in order to take advantage of the full benefits it promises. LIGHT: Good lighting is a revelation. Through lighting-whether it is natural or artificial- the constant transformation of space is possible. The first step is to consider all the moods that come with the hours of the day in nature and then bring that richness to the interiors of the home. FUNCTION: Function is often deemed synonymous with modern design; and yet long before the American architect Louis Sullivan dictated that form should follow function, architects understood that function, in fact, has to do with many more operations than the merely mechanical. Emotional satisfaction is equally a function of good design. TEXTURE: In the most expanded sense of the word, texture defines the psychological depth of a room, its contrasts, and its richness of mood. Far more than the sum of materials used to cover furniture, texture is about combining visual experiences with tactile ones. COLOUR: Colour requires confidence and caution. It makes an immediate and lasting impression on the eye. It is the easiest—and least costly—way to transform a room, and the most daring. Before splashing a room with colour, remember that white is all colours blended in one and comes in its own wide range of shades. MEMORY & WIT: Few classic tomes would think to include memory and wit in their principles of design. And yet in the world of today, where individual personality is often lost to mass-produced convenience, expression with a sense of humour and generosity is perhaps one of the most important new principles of contemporary design.

and so it is..

2006-02-10T23:36:00.000+08:00

I received my official letter yesterday. from nus.

“….Withdrawal From The University

I refer to your intention to withdraw from the course indicated below. This is to inform you that your withdrawal took effect from 6 January 2006….”
etc etc etc
no more nus email add. that was rather cool.
it is finished. i can officially move on. though i already have, this just closes that chapter. cleanly.
i've been wanting to go back to school and see some teachers who are now teaching my lil sister.
been afraid. how do i own that i've stopped my university education. that i could'nt keep my scholarship. specially after that speech i gave to my juniors after spm results.
funnily. the ones i had to tell were more than understanding. i felt that they knew me for more than that. that they didn't think i was in any way a failure. moreover, being teachers i thought they'd be like...WHAT?? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU??
they weren't. and i'm glad. it is rather exciting having my lil sister go through the same school, same teachers, same activities as i went through, in an entirely different way, of course and an entirely different perspective.
i watch her and imagine the years between us, how similar our paths may be and yet how very different. good for her=p. she'd better not be like her big chi chi, she's got too much pizazz of her own...

a rose by any other name

2006-02-10T23:18:00.000+08:00

Humungous arrays of bouquets, all wrapped up in layers and layers of coloured tissue wrappers, happy cutesy faces of miniature stuffed toys (teddies, doggies) peeking out from the bouquets.hmm, almost popping out from the heart of the bouquets. All laid out on the floor, waiting for valentine’s day to have their roses stuffed in and delivered.
I’m usually rather averse to Valentine’s Day and the whole idea of it (though I am a hopeless romantic) but these were really really cute.
Sheesh.
and this a day after i whine to my mum how silly people make valentine's day out to be. on radio they say, "valentine's day is just around the corner, you have to prove your love."
and the rest of the time?
it's just a day like any other. any day's just as good. to prove your love. or whatever. besides, with all that hype and expectation, someone's bound to get stressed out, or disappointed, to do too much or not enough. too much hype.

but the bouquets with the teddies were really cute!

walk on..

2006-01-30T13:49:00.000+08:00

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
Love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind...

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Oh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed, to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly, for freedom

Oh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
You can only take so much

Walk on...
Walk on...

Home...
Hard to know what it is, if you never had one
Home...
I can't say where it is, but I know I'm going
Home...
That's where the hurt is...

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
And you can only take so much

Walk on...

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel

All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress-up
All that you've seen
All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate

inexhaustible multiplicity of experience...

2006-01-27T00:21:00.000+08:00

" and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand.."

it has been a while, and to me it feels like ages. i do feel like i have aged a lot in the past month or so. but i'm grateful that i've withstood it all, and am looking forward to something bright, living in a bit more brightness now, after a phase of darkness where all i could feel was a shadow hanging over me. life's lessons are never for nothing and harsh as they seem, every phase passes, as emily dickinson said, this too will pass.

i thank God for people who seem to understand, people who do understand and people who try to. the NUS life and everything surrounding it, was truly a kaleidoscope of experience for me, one i'll look back at with a whirlwind of emotions and a wealth of lessons.

people ask if i'm okay. hmm, interesting question. i am of course okay by now. i didnt feel okay for a time. but i will never be the same. (thank god for that, what are lessons for then if not to change us and to mould us)

even now words cannot convey what i feel, and what i have felt from that point till now, then, where my biggest fear actually came true, and now when its all beginning to make more sense, why my path got re-routed.

being offline has made me look to my journal a lot to let out all my thoughts and it has been refreshing, i intend to keep up the writing regularly eventhough i may not become a writer.

seemingly random thoughts..

anyways, happy chinese new year to all. have a happy and prosperous year=)

p/s.. the title..the inexhaustible multiplicity of experience is something one of my lecturers in nus kept raving about in twentieth century lit, it was one of the great modernist tendencies to go on about experience that can be revisited and which take on a different angle each time it is revisited..etc etc..=p

home..

2005-12-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

“other things may change us but we begin and end with family..”

I’m home. And I’m gladder than ever to be home. Despite getting a bit restless sometimes, there truly is nothing like home. It has been a while since I last wrote and many of you, (sorry sher and min) have been getting empty promises form me to update. If you look through many other blogs, they seem to post most when exams are round the corner, perhaps to distract themselves and to seek relief from the boredom and monotony of studying. And once they’re free of exams their posts are few and far between. I’m proud to say I didn’t succumb to the twitches to blog during my exam month.
Despite it having been a make it or break it semester, the exams itself were rather painless as a whole and I truly thank God for that. Results shall be out in les than 5 days time and the whole thought of that has not left my mind since exams ended. Especially with the date looming closer and closer. Despite knowing that I have a very realistic shot at getting the grades I need, the fear of failure plagues me after my previous experiences with end of semester results at NUS. (wrings hands)
Moving on…

Is a holiday an end or a beginning? For me, holidays mark a journey. A journey home, a journey back to my roots, to my family and who I am. Maybe even a mental journey commenting on the past semester, months, weeks, days.
So is it a beginning or an end?
Both. The journey ironically serves as a transit between the two worlds, in my case, from chaos to order. Then again, in both worlds an element of the other tinges it.
So, somewhere in the clouds between who we were and who we’ve become we try to find ourselves again, all this in the transit forced upon by the seasonal ritual of going home for the holidays. At Christmastime, the journey is more poignant, especially as it comes at the end of the year. It is a time to question self and make room for growth. That’s what home is to me. A place to just be me. Ironically, it is also the place where I sometimes feel I can’t be me. Perhaps only because there are conflicting versions of me, a different version in each world I live in. this holidays, I’ve been found out. My disguise has been stripped off, and I am slowly looking forward to melding the two selves within me and reworking it into one I can be comfortable with.
Leaving home does stuff to you. You reinvent yourself. You take new risks, face new challenges. And when you go home again, the people who’ve known you the longest and deepest can see the incongruity. So you go back to your roots, and do a little pruning, add a little fertilizer. So that when you branch out again, you don’t lose sense of the soil you stem from.
So is it a beginning or an end?
Both. The beginning of a new way of looking at things and choosing to embrace the world, and an end to murkiness.

I’m home. And in being home, I’m learning to be more at home within myself.

30dayartist.blogspot.com

2005-10-04T02:59:00.000+08:00

since i was a kid, i loved art. so did my brother. he even drew on the walls with crayons, to mummy's displeasure..or horror. we once did an art competiotion together. some environment thing i think. we've never been in the same category since when it comes to art. as the years wore on, his apparent talent and sheer hard work in letting his art unfurl its true potential rang of something much much more than my dabbling. now, years later. he's an artist. a true artist who's had his first solo art exhibition at 24.
a glimpse of some of his work. ..

for more, go to 30dayartist.blogspot.com where he's embarking on a project of painting 40 paintings in 30days while having his day job..*blink blink*

p/s..luv ya, ko=p