The beginning of a whole string of random thoughts..unleashed..

The beginning of a whole string of random thoughts..unleashed..

Thursday.10.48pm.may 18th.blogging on my Microsoft word first. awaiting a time when I can go online in peace to post. doesn’t quite feel the same, since I usually write directly onto blogger’s new post window. Besides,the spell check is annoying. I don’t want textbook punctuation on my blog!!where then lies freedom of speech and poetic license?..
License.It’s marie’s 21st birthday tomorrow.i so wish I had an idd calling card so I can call her to wish her.didn’t get to go out to get one though.shucks.oh well.still can get it tmr. probably past midnite where she is in Dunedin,New Zealand anyways.still her birthday tmr. haha. eventhough she din call or wish me on mine.=p.if ur reading this sweetie,I forgive you=).but dun want u to feel that sadness too=p.dear dear marie..
marie.gawsh.miss her so much.so much has happened for both of us since we last met.we need loadsa catching up time..
Time.fleeting isn’t it?sometimes..excruciatingly slow at others and almost at a standstill in between.of course the moments that you wanna slowly breathe in just whisk by as you desperately,flailingly grab at its snatches.and when its gone ,you look back.not always.only when you have the time to stop and remember do you look back and slowly sift the moments,replaying them in your memory.and always,almost always,the good outshines the bad,the happy overwhelms the sad.not necessarily in quantity but in magnitude and potency.if you’re a perpetual optimist that is;)
Silly random thoughts,driving the readers crazy.how many consistent,regular readers do I have anyways?sigh.do you even know what I mean when I hurl all this gibberish?i’m not just crapping you know.you should know by now my crypticism always always hides something much much deeper..
Deeper.it always so happens that when you think you may just have the heart and strength to let it go,something happens or something is said or done that just mocks you and asks..why?why on earth would you wanna let it go?inherent,inate tendency to make things go wrong and prove that you can and should be miserable?I think it’s truly truly odd that someone can feel so deeply for a person and yet have the gut to entertain thoughts of severing ties with that person.a big lie to one’s self I suppose.and what for anyways,to prevent hurt?inflict pain ala sado-masochist in order to prevent future pain.fear?insecurity because of perpetual optimism and possibly futile hope?I am going on and on.and probably don’t make sense.funny.it’s easier to type this stuff than to write it in my journal..typing it doesn’t seem so permanent I guess.as temporal as the thoughts which flutter by.then again I don’t suppose you read this,do you?is it so wrong for a girl to believe in fairytales and want to be treated like a princess?and to want to be treasured and cherished?I mean I do see how a lot of these ideals have to be compromised and adapted to life’s inconsistencies but still,in essence..can’t I be the princess of someone’s heart?..
Heart.isn’t it such a funny,fascinating concept.there’s the physical heart,the organ which pumps blood into your veins or something like that.(don’t cringe, you science students=p)(this rambling is so gonna bore wooi min..sorry gal,will try to put pics up soon)and there’s like losing your heart to that someone special ,the love of your life, which is related to losing heart as in losing hope or any will to believe in something.and when your “heart” hurts,it sometimes physically hurts too,like you just can’t breathe and like the whole world is just closing in on you.where your heart is,there you will be.that is so so true.so many a time we try to realign our hearts,change our hearts,mould our hearts,relocate our hearts.which “heart” exactly are we trying to deal with here?
Here.here is home for me now.kinda.like I said home is where the heart is.but is my heart at home?I’m really trying.ohh,I hear the tv outside.American idol starting in a bit.more on that and how I got hooked like just another silly fan.sigh…


(in installments due to inaccessibility to internet and then some..)

Here, There And Everywhere

Here, There And Everywhere

To lead a better life I need my love to be here...

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

To be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere


couldn't you just melt?..imagine if someone sang it to you..;)

more and more desperate....

From: 
 Goh I-Mei
 Sent: 
 Fri 4/8/2005 11:19 AM

 To: 
 Lim Swee Huat, Walter, Dr

 Cc: 
 

 Subject: 
 RE:essay 2


 Attachments: 


View As Web Page







Dear Sir,

I am currently working on my second essay. It is hours away from the deadline, and i beseech you kind sir, to give me a one day extension (not even 24 hours if need be).I must confess that i have in fact been trying to conceptualize a coherent and exciting essay destined for an A for a while now, however my past week has been filled with other essay deadlines,presentations and a test, moreover i was ill for a couple of days. i realize sir, that none of this is your problem but i do entreat to your compassion.I do have an approach and have begun writing the essay; my title is "The Portrayal of Eve’s inherent inclination towards failure in Milton’s representation of the Fall", however i doubt i may be able to deliver an essay worthy of your perusal without adequate time to edit.

Also, Sir,a lot is riding on this essay for me as my scholarship is on probation and this semester is critical for me, and i would not like to turn in shoddy work.Do forgive me if my request seems impertinent, and i do hope you consider and send a favourable reply soon.

Thank you for your kind attention


Best Regards,
I-Mei

desperate times call for desperate measures...

From: 
 Goh I-Mei

 Sent: 
 Mon 4/4/2005 12:41 AM

 To: 
 Wee Su-Lin,Valerie

 Cc: 
 
 Subject: 
 RE: 2nd essay

 Attachments: 

View As Web Page

Dear Dr Wee,

In the midst of avidly writing my rather stressful 2nd essay, i was hoping to find out a couple of things from you.I'm not sure if any of my queries are inappropriate and i am sure you will inform me if so..=)

anyway,I'm doing my essay on Saved.and my current title is Representations and Ideology in the film "Saved".Does that sound like i'm trying to cover too much ground? and do you think i should focus on either one,let's say..representations and take a close look at each of the characters,what they represent..etc?on the other hand, i think the representations come hand in hand wiht the ideologies that make this film distinct or at least worth talking about and if i go on with these 2 foci, could  i split the representations part as reflected by the characters into more than 1 paragraph?

I'm not sure if these are rather silly questions to be asking you,but as you know,i really want/need to make this essay a much better piece of work..i understand if these questions should'nt be answered by you.however,thank you for taking the time to read this email.


Best Regards,
i-mei

seven...

if who i am is what i have and what i have is lost..then who am i?
i recall being very fond of this particular quote.because it says so much.when ppl would ask me what i was good at,i used to think..hmm.writing.thats what i always believed cause thats what ppl told me.at least my grades back then reflected it too.but now..i dunno why..why?! why?! why?!...churning out an essay (a lit essay usually) in uni seems to be the one thing which sets me in a crazy state of frenzy,anxiety,agitation,inadequacy,depression,panic..etc etc and of course the word i hate using.."stress".this coming from the looming deadlines of 2 lit essays and 1 jap essay..not to mention having 2 presentations and a test in the same week.not to mention having to study for my finals which will be in 3 weeks time!!!!!!!!!!

sigh.this is not helping.so anyways,if i thought i could associate myself with being a good writer and now im not so sure anymore..then..? then..? then who am i? then what AM i good at anyways? i know.. cooking.hee.cooking is therapeutic.and living on my own, im free to try out whatever my imagination comes up with.budget being my only limitation.within a week i have attempted 3 new dishes..grilled fish on the bbq,oven baked macaroni special and..i marinated all the chicken for a block bbq tonight by sheer feel.maybe i should just drop out of uni and cook.but but.i thought i was smart .or at least i could be smart.it's just that its's....

IT'S APRIL!!!!!!!!oh gosh.it's sinking in.IT'S APRIL!!
that means finals start this month.and next month i'll be going home..for the holidays.where i'll be occupied with work..a whole new playground where stress prevails.*sweat*
the word scholarship is flitting at the top of my mind now..but no.shan't mention it...shan't...

can you believe it?in spite of all this...i'm happy=).seven is a special number.7 days in a week.7 wonders of the world.7 colours of the spectrum. etc etc.sigh.i have my own reasons to celebrate the number.and yet,gotta focus on the task at hand.tasksssss more like.

notice by this point im so unconcerned with what the general reading community will make of my blog.as in structure wise..is it artsy?does it sound philosophical..whatever.instead it's fragments of random thoughts..random crazy thoughts..




words cannot describe
nor begin
to depict
nor paint
the colours of this place

where all enmeshed
and intertwined
sun and rain and mess
sliver my batteredness
and scoop me up with glee
take it all away
and only make me see

the rainbow's seven hues
so brilliantly displayed
split to reveal its beauty
so pierce me too
that i may glimmer shine and gleam
and steal away from all that seems

words cannot unveil
nor attempt
to portray
nor freeze
the moments in this place

turned 21

=)

turning 21...

twenty one candles all aglow, a delectable cake illuminated, a blurry crowd surrounding ...balloons and fanfare? , and then the crowd fades and there is only you.or maybe there isn't a crowd even, a handful of close friends? perhaps.but at the end of it all,it boils down to you.just you.that's what birthdays are about anyway.so you can crave the fanfare,the celebration,the party but birthdays i guess are all about introspection. looking back, looking within, and looking ahead.

so,where were we?ah yes, twenty one candles all aglow, a delectable cake illuminated, a blurry crowd surrounding , balloons and fanfare? and then we zoom out of the scene, hurtling, spiraling, through the hazy tunnel of experiences, compendium of memories, fragments of moments..compendium.i like that word.when i was little i used to have boxed sets which called themselves.."a compendium of games".those tackily colured box of games which i would frequently play with myself, which i would frequently get on prizegiving day for out-guessing evryone else in your not so bright primary school class during final exams.that's what it was anyway,was'nt it? just a matter of out-guessing everyone else.back then at least.
so,hurtling,spinning,spiraling, thorugh the years which brought me here on the brink tomorrow, and all i have is.....? what have i achieved, where have i gotten?
i used to think i had it all.maybe because so many people kept saying it that i started to believe in it...
so here i am.in university.struggling to regain any sense of being above average as i was so prone to find myself back in the day."back in the day,back in the day" another phrase which fascinates me.where ever did i adopt it from anyway? probably some movie with a clownish bunch of old fogeys sitting,commiserating about their hey days,while shaking their heads disapprovingly at "youngsters these days"."why,back in the day,we would hustle ourselves outta bed to the farm and milk cows before the cock even started to crow,"back in the day,back in the day.and then they'd blisfully dwell on old memories and sigh,back in the day,back in the day.

what's so wrong with being "average" anyway? by whose standards? but no,have to do my utter best, i-mei.always this desperate magnetic attraction towards that elusive realm of being "the best possible version of myself".in every blinking way.pathetic almost ,come to think of it.what is being the best anyhow? any state of progression from where you once were? best is the end result of "better"? good,better,best in chronological order.and then what? demotion from best to less than best?
in history,in sociology,we argue, what is progress anyway? what is development?are we better than who our ancestors were hundreds of years ago?just because of scientific revolutions,industrial development, a heightened awareness of the world around us? humanism? capitalism? who's to say they weren't better off then? sure,women's equality is great but other than that? after all, we designed these paradigms, we came up with words like revolution and science anyway.even comparing between cultures,forget about difference in time and era,in the same day and age, are those who do not drive cars and wear as much clothing as us,"less refined","less civilized" just because they don't fit into our definition of civilization? mind boggling huh?
so,,here we are ,ultimately alone to face your own journey,save of course God and your family and friends but ultimately alone.Is God pleased with me anyhow? the thought scares me.on my 21st bday and always,is God pleased? and if he isn't,what the heck am i doing about it? are mummy and daddy pleased? is anyone at all pleased with me?
who i was,
who i've become
and who i will be?

ultimately,
am
i
pleased?

then again life is a journey not a destination.a process not a stagnant state.bettering one's self or at least the attempt is always a good thing.stretching ourselves to reach new heights.new dimensions.
so,here i am.
i have not written a book.
i have not scaled a mountain.
i have not donated any organs to any poor soul who needs any.
i have not swum across the English Channel.
i have not bungee-jumped or para-sailed.
i have not discovered the cure for the common cold.
i have not won an oscar or a grammy.
i have not found the way to obtain world peace.

but
i have written numerous poems to appreciate my loved ones.
i have often walked distances with an aim in mind.
i have donated my time and effort towards chasing away tears of others.
i have braved my own oceans of doubt.
i have swung on a trapeze and cycled downhill,for a moment flying.
i have strived towards obtaining knowledge and a sound education, excelled in quite a few exams.
i have found joy performing onstage several times, and sing my heart out frequently.
i have tried to advocate peace in my immediate surroundings.

i have known joy,sorrow,fear,excitement,anticipation,pleasure,disappointment,shock,giddyness,pride,doubt,etc
and most all
i have known love...

here i am
and I have lived,
that in itself is my achievement.
my destiny
my legacy.
and i shall keep on striving to be the best possible version of myself and to be a light, in the blackest darkness.
and celebrate birthdays.even if only within.
looking back, looking within, and looking ahead.

"Beautiful Disaster"

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
It just ain’t right

Oh and i don’t know
I don’t know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searchin for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars..

i sleep to dream you.where in wilful moments,there is only you,and me.just being in the warmth of your presence,the glee of your embrace.and while it lingers,it gently flees,then not so gently,snatched away by the puppeteer.the strings get tangled,a couple snap.but i am not free.and the audience from laughing, jeer and mock and wait in a variety of expectations almost as if just waiting to see you fall and break.a mere marionette?all the world is a stage,we costume our insecurities and mask our ignorance,dance the tune unchoreographed.where are the jumps,the spring into exhilaration until there's floating,away,away from what was.unbundled by the strings,splattered in to a colourful field of dreams,skipping with the stars.flitting with the butterflies.
i sleep to dream you and only you.where i am blissfully lost in your gaze , in your hold.the stage fades away,away.and there is only you..for me.but sleep is fleeting,grasping,grappling and then it slips away,away.i wake up,and there is only me..and all the things that threaten and make me fear.and all the messes just waiting to be cleared,and all the pinacles to live up to..
i wake up,..and there is only me..

do not let yourself be ruled by your heart,for the heart is prone to folly..and folly leads to despair..

be it cursed for one to have a heart which pounds louder than the one alongside it?be it cursed for one to feel more deeply than the other?shame on the first then to wear its heart on its sleeve.or is it so?when beatrice joanna conspired with de flores in "the changeling" to kill off her bethrothed just so she could be with the one she truly loved,alsemero..why is it that it had to be she to take fate and justice into her own hands.could not alsemero in his superior position as man take a more domineering role to prove his proclaimed love?and how is it that beatrice joanna in sacrificing her honour merely to be with the one she loved ends up severely persecuted in her lover's eye.
a friend of mine said that a friend of hers said that,every minute,every hour,every day,every week...every moment..it is always the woman on the losing end.equality still has a long way to go then.is the fairer sex then the weaker sex?weak to let your heart so loose as to feel,weak to let your heart soar and take its own fancies,weak to let it rule you..liv tyler said in the movie"that thing you do".."shame on me for closing my eyes everytime we kissed.."i don't remember the rest but i took it to mean,shame on me that i was so in love and closed my eyes to savour the moment that i didnt see that the feeling wasnt mutual.i remember tearing at that line.
i still hang on to fairytales.to the idea of happily ever after.the prince charming may be elusive though.and so as the fairer sex we are supposed to put on an iron mask,cage our silly fancies to retain any semblance of self respect or self worth...?

"govern your passions before they govern you "..


scorn and mock the very heart
that pines and longs for you
until the day you find yourself
alone and bruised and blue
pining for the very heart that has flitted off elsewhere
to pastures greener than the one which simply didnt care
scoff and dismiss the very one
who cared and gave her all
until the day you look around
and see there's no one when you fall
no loving arms to pick you up and wash away the pain
you lay amongst ur useless treasures underneath the rain

.............

i just don't know what to write or how to write.all that swirls within me and drags my heart to its pits flow not in words.articulation fails me...till a brighter day..

2005

each second you can be reborn,
each second there can be a new beginning,
it is choice
it is your choice...

you are everything that is,
your thoughts,
your life,
your dreams come true,
you are everything you choose to be.
you are as unlimited as the endless universe.

my theme for 2005.

aftershock

when i woke up on sunday,my bed was shaking.my room door trembled so loudly i thought someone was knocking on the door.i kept saying "come in".turns out it was because of an earthquake in indonesia.that morning more than my physical surroundings were shaken.my results were released hours after the quake,the results of my 1st semester at NUS.and it was quite earth shattering as well.i got way below the minimum CAP required for an Asean scholar such as I.i knew I had done less than my best this semester but didn’t expect to do that badly.it was a wake up call and strangely enough,I thank God for it.

there have been countless times in my life when things don’t go my way just so I’d wake up,look up and realize that I cannot do anything on my own.there’s a verse in the Bible that says,”apart from me you can do nothing”.and it is when I take things into my own hands where things get messed up.this was my dream.getting a scholarship to NUS,going off to study on my own to somewhere fun like Singapore.and i basically blew it.i took off and tried to fly but I didn’t soar.and now I will spend my next 7 semesters(if I truly pull it off next sem by amazingly pulling up my CAP to keep the scholarship) slogging my ass off and truly making myself deserve the scholarship and the chance to live my dreams.

The tragedy of yesterday’s earthquake and the tidal waves further augmented my trauma.in some way.and the aftershock has barely begun to leave its effects.already I have been feeling so very isolated from myself,listless and inwardly berating myself.the task at hand of drastically catapulting my grades out of the abyss only reminds me how foolishly I’ve thrown my chances away and how very different things could have been.
should have been..

”forgetting what is behind,straining towards what is ahead..” and now,humility is a lesson along with a host of others.

a song which spoke to me.part of it..

“…own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mould me
with your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me

oh you call me daughter
and you take my blame
and you run to meet me
when i cry out your name
so i fall before you in all of my shame
Lord i am willing to be changed

own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mould me
by your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me..”

and taking the lens into a bigger focus,i pray for the families of those tragically affected by the quake and tsunamis.for peace that passes all understanding and comfort in their hour of need..

my life in a song...?

One day I’ll fly away

I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin
To live again?

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your Love do for me?
When will Love be through with me?

Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Fly, fly away

All I wanted…

(written at 4.15pm,13 December 2004,at KLIA

All I wanted was to go home..after a harrowing,hectic first semester at NUS,at raffles,despite always being kept busy by hall activities,etc,etc,I longed for the warmth of home.and so I there I was all packed and ready.woke up at 6am to get ready to make the virgin trek from Singapore to senai airport in johor.thankfully I had someone to heave my giant luggage onto and off mrts,buses and through the causeways.i so wanted to take a taxi but thought I’d do my bit and save money.and so on and off buses and winding through throngs of people and finally the final bus to senai airport.this last bus seemed to take forever to get the show on the road.my flight was at 10.35am…air asia flight.by 10am,me still on the snail bus I was getting antsy..

Super optimistic me had a severe blow when I reached senai airport at 10.25am and flung myself out of the bus and ran towards the check in counter..(thankfully I had someone to handle my loads of luggage) only to see a closed sign.turns out the whole plane has been boarded and they weren’t gonna let me on..THE INJUSTICE!!tears started slowly rolling down my cheeks as I pleaded with the dude.to no avail.moreover it being air asia…the ticket fare was forfeited.i had blown the fare in efforts to “save money” by not taking a cab.it wasn’t just the money.i just wanted to go home and have everything sail on as planned.you know how I hate hate hate things that I already “planned” or “look forward to” to be messed up.more than anything I didn’t know how to tell my mum.i was so mad.mad at myself,mad at my companion (sorry!and thanks for helping me anyway),mad at air asia..just mad..and upset!!

The thing bout me is I don’t stay mad for long..so it just melts into sadness..almost depression.so,after finally calling my mummy,and sorting things out(she yelled obviously.and my dad yelled in the background),finally got an open MAS ticket which is not a direct flight to penang.got on the 12.10 flight to kl.was already so exhausted from everything.after waiting for rather long at baggage claim in KLIA,lo and behold the unimaginable happens.my bag is not there.mind you this is THE “giant luggage” that was lugged aroung agonizingly from my room on the third floor of raffles hall to the ground floor ,to the bus stop,to the bus,off the bus,to the mrt station,to the mrt,off the mrt to the next mrt,to the next bus stop,to the bus,to the causeway,back to the bus,to the next causeway,onto another bus,off the bus,to the bus terminal,to the next bus and finally to the airport…u get the picture?this is THE 26kg bag which contains ALL the Christmas presents I splurged on for my family including the supremely extravagant prezzies my bro and I are sharing for my parents.THE bag which also contains my most favoured articles of clothing,etc etc etc.I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!!and here unlike in johor I was alone and didn’t know how long I could be stoic,how long I could pretend to be strong and not let my face crumple.so,I approached th ebaggage idiots and after not that much walkie-talkie-ing,they tell me to report it since they can’t locate the damn thing.mind you at this point I don’t even have a flight back to penang from kl..like I have time for this!!!like I have strength for this.!!
(to be continued…)

written at 6.10pm,13 December 2004 at gate B5,KLIA

sigh.where was I?ahh yes,to cut a longggggggg story short.they still couldn’t locate my bag.so,filed a report and went to try get my flight to penang with the hope that my handphone will ring at any moment for them to tell me they found my bag.was put on standby for the 3.40 flight and i had just missed the 1.55pm flight being stuck in the baggage lost and found office for so blinking long.sooo,gastric struck.just felt soo aaarrrggghhhh!!!decided to eat lunch.had fried meehoon and fried egg for RM9!!!actually it was RM9.45 but I didn’t have more than 9 ringgit on me..after all I had to pay RM286 for my blinking MAS plane ticket which I bought last minute.but the cashier was nice enough to let me just pay the RM9..cool huh.in the midst of my day’s disappointments I was glad that there were still nice people in the world to make me smile.another example of the good still left in the world was when i landed and was trying to make my way off the plane with my large tote bag,laptop bag and giant carry on bag.the gentleman behind me not only helped me carry the said giant carry on bag from the overhead compartment but he also carried it all the way through the narrow corridor and off the plane.=)….etc etc etc.so on and so forth….

To be continued

18 december 2004,12.47am


well,didn’t have time to finish up my loonnggg reenactment of my little adventure,so it may lose some of its original emotion and pizzazz now that I’m looking at it in retrospect.i always hold true to the quotation that …”this too will pass” and thankfully it did pass.after all there are always new things for me to be upset about and for my folks to be upset about me about thus amplifying my own being upset..thankfully I got back my bag.THE bag.it flew to kl from johor at 5pm that day.and after reclaiming it I got onto the 6.40pm flight back to penang.yay.braced myself for a major shelling.

never never land...

today i saw a little girl through the mrt doors and smiled at her.after 2 seconds...she smiled back=).my heart beamed.see ,with children its possible to generate such a reaction,smile at an"adult' on the mrt and you'll get stared down,no response or both.the other day i was at toys 'r' us,shopping for my sister sarah's christmas present and thought about the not too distant future when she would outgrow toys and the realm of wonder and magic it leads us to.as i skimmed through the aisles i remembered my fascination with the giant toystore when i was a kid.heck,i still get excited going there=p.i saw a girl there,short plain hair,spectacles almost half the size of her face...reminded me a lot of me...when i was young.as she stared intently at the array of toys in front of her i contemplated saying hi to her and asking her which particular toy she liked.i was afraid she'd start screaming and call for her parents.how i yearn for the days when my biggest worry was which of my coveted toys i'd get for christmas.

children are truly wonderful,magical creatures filled with potentiality and innocence,like a clean notebook or journal just waiting to have their pages filled.i miss my little sister,who isn't so little anymore.gosh,she'll be 12 in february just as i'll be 21 in march.i shall miss my childhood and always try to retain childlike ness to some extent,..being uninhibited in expression,always eager and excited about something close to their heart,inquisitive..and full of imagination..free from the constraints and confines of what is now drilled into us as rules and the code of conduct..whatever is deemed acceptable by society norms etc etc..i remember the toys "r" us song when i was young..i dont wanna grow up ,i just wanna be a kid..well,at the time i was like..are u kidding???i WANT to grow up and grow my wings and be free to fly and soar..now i look back somewhat wistfully..

i shall continue to smile at children and even strike conversations with them.just to glean some magic from their whirring childlike minds..=)

dance,soccer and the in- betweens

the thing that troubles me the most is why i have taken so long to update my blog.despite so many many thoughts swirling round my mind and despite being on holiday.so much to do.ahh well,exams ended on the 27th of nov for me and straightaway i went off to hang with my family who were in town.really had fun with them despite some unwanted lectures.but this being the blog in which i dont directly delve into my innermost thoughts and emotions,i shant go into that.anyways,as soon as my family went home,i've been busy with dance camp,dance practices and soccer training and moving room.not to mention chilling out and enjoying hols=) and cooking=).goin home in 5 days time.

i do love to dance.not that good at it though i realize=p.sigh.think i prefer singing to dancing.and ooh soccer!yes,i absolutely enjoy soccer.sigh.my writing has gone down the drain.you see why i've been avoiding updating my blog???!!anyways,...aaarrgghh.what to say??well,i have soccer early tmr,shall attempt more next time=p

im not a 2!i'm a 5!!!

You Are the Helper

2 You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you. You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know. Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere. You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.

What number are you?

or am i standing still..?

have you ever had the feeling when your mind along with evrything else around you tells you something,tries to shove you towards a general direction,a particular action..the air is pregnant with the reminder,coaxing you..,the season is just right..in fact the sands of time swiftly glide through your very fingers,as if that wasnt enough ,the hands of the clock tick increasingly loudly,its rhythm fast blending into a loud blare in your head,encroaching into the very recesses of your mind and...all you seem to be doing about it is .....
absolutely nothing.i mean the time and thought spent on the looming fear greatly outweighs the actual time doing something about it.

it makes me wonder.have i deceived myself into thinking that i have always been focused,and self-motivated,unconsciously driven by the need and desire to capitalize on whatever skills and gifts i believe myself to possess.or does fear and the possiblity of letting myself down further induce complacency..and numbness to an extent.sigh.so many things make me wonder these days.its like im taking stock of some of the things that i have subscribed to all this while and questioning the basis of it all.

all i know is..that im not so sure what i know anymore.sigh.who am i?am i still me?of course i am,right.i've always been sure of who i am.or have i?and does having always been something denote continuing to always be that.no question,no doubt,no uncertainty?and do question actually guarantee answers,.after all you can't know the answers till you learn to question..right?well,i think so.

somehow i always manage to pick up momentum and take flight and soar,not because of me..but because of God.but surrender without the act of giving up control is nothing.so,time passes.pages flip,exam papers are probably being printed.i refuse to be stagnant,i refuse to be complacent.but please oh please,..will the rest of me comply and stop standing still...

my blogging personality..

I took the Blogging Personality Quiz at About Web logs and I am...

The Writer
Words captivate me. And, I like to capture words. Blogging enables me to write often. It also provides a place for me to share what I write with a reading public. I can be funny, inspiring, intelligent, cynical, or morbid. It doesn't matter what I write about in my blog. It only matters that I write.