The beginning of a whole string of random thoughts..unleashed..
Thursday.10.48pm.may 18th.blogging on my Microsoft word first. awaiting a time when I can go online in peace to post. doesn’t quite feel the same, since I usually write directly onto blogger’s new post window. Besides,the spell check is annoying. I don’t want textbook punctuation on my blog!!where then lies freedom of speech and poetic license?..
License.It’s marie’s 21st birthday tomorrow.i so wish I had an idd calling card so I can call her to wish her.didn’t get to go out to get one though.shucks.oh well.still can get it tmr. probably past midnite where she is in Dunedin,New Zealand anyways.still her birthday tmr. haha. eventhough she din call or wish me on mine.=p.if ur reading this sweetie,I forgive you=).but dun want u to feel that sadness too=p.dear dear marie..
marie.gawsh.miss her so much.so much has happened for both of us since we last met.we need loadsa catching up time..
Time.fleeting isn’t it?sometimes..excruciatingly slow at others and almost at a standstill in between.of course the moments that you wanna slowly breathe in just whisk by as you desperately,flailingly grab at its snatches.and when its gone ,you look back.not always.only when you have the time to stop and remember do you look back and slowly sift the moments,replaying them in your memory.and always,almost always,the good outshines the bad,the happy overwhelms the sad.not necessarily in quantity but in magnitude and potency.if you’re a perpetual optimist that is;)
Silly random thoughts,driving the readers crazy.how many consistent,regular readers do I have anyways?sigh.do you even know what I mean when I hurl all this gibberish?i’m not just crapping you know.you should know by now my crypticism always always hides something much much deeper..
Deeper.it always so happens that when you think you may just have the heart and strength to let it go,something happens or something is said or done that just mocks you and asks..why?why on earth would you wanna let it go?inherent,inate tendency to make things go wrong and prove that you can and should be miserable?I think it’s truly truly odd that someone can feel so deeply for a person and yet have the gut to entertain thoughts of severing ties with that person.a big lie to one’s self I suppose.and what for anyways,to prevent hurt?inflict pain ala sado-masochist in order to prevent future pain.fear?insecurity because of perpetual optimism and possibly futile hope?I am going on and on.and probably don’t make sense.funny.it’s easier to type this stuff than to write it in my journal..typing it doesn’t seem so permanent I guess.as temporal as the thoughts which flutter by.then again I don’t suppose you read this,do you?is it so wrong for a girl to believe in fairytales and want to be treated like a princess?and to want to be treasured and cherished?I mean I do see how a lot of these ideals have to be compromised and adapted to life’s inconsistencies but still,in essence..can’t I be the princess of someone’s heart?..
Heart.isn’t it such a funny,fascinating concept.there’s the physical heart,the organ which pumps blood into your veins or something like that.(don’t cringe, you science students=p)(this rambling is so gonna bore wooi min..sorry gal,will try to put pics up soon)and there’s like losing your heart to that someone special ,the love of your life, which is related to losing heart as in losing hope or any will to believe in something.and when your “heart” hurts,it sometimes physically hurts too,like you just can’t breathe and like the whole world is just closing in on you.where your heart is,there you will be.that is so so true.so many a time we try to realign our hearts,change our hearts,mould our hearts,relocate our hearts.which “heart” exactly are we trying to deal with here?
Here.here is home for me now.kinda.like I said home is where the heart is.but is my heart at home?I’m really trying.ohh,I hear the tv outside.American idol starting in a bit.more on that and how I got hooked like just another silly fan.sigh…
(in installments due to inaccessibility to internet and then some..)
