home..

“other things may change us but we begin and end with family..”


I’m home. And I’m gladder than ever to be home. Despite getting a bit restless sometimes, there truly is nothing like home. It has been a while since I last wrote and many of you, (sorry sher and min) have been getting empty promises form me to update. If you look through many other blogs, they seem to post most when exams are round the corner, perhaps to distract themselves and to seek relief from the boredom and monotony of studying. And once they’re free of exams their posts are few and far between. I’m proud to say I didn’t succumb to the twitches to blog during my exam month.
Despite it having been a make it or break it semester, the exams itself were rather painless as a whole and I truly thank God for that. Results shall be out in les than 5 days time and the whole thought of that has not left my mind since exams ended. Especially with the date looming closer and closer. Despite knowing that I have a very realistic shot at getting the grades I need, the fear of failure plagues me after my previous experiences with end of semester results at NUS. (wrings hands)
Moving on…

Is a holiday an end or a beginning? For me, holidays mark a journey. A journey home, a journey back to my roots, to my family and who I am. Maybe even a mental journey commenting on the past semester, months, weeks, days.
So is it a beginning or an end?
Both. The journey ironically serves as a transit between the two worlds, in my case, from chaos to order. Then again, in both worlds an element of the other tinges it.
So, somewhere in the clouds between who we were and who we’ve become we try to find ourselves again, all this in the transit forced upon by the seasonal ritual of going home for the holidays. At Christmastime, the journey is more poignant, especially as it comes at the end of the year. It is a time to question self and make room for growth. That’s what home is to me. A place to just be me. Ironically, it is also the place where I sometimes feel I can’t be me. Perhaps only because there are conflicting versions of me, a different version in each world I live in. this holidays, I’ve been found out. My disguise has been stripped off, and I am slowly looking forward to melding the two selves within me and reworking it into one I can be comfortable with.
Leaving home does stuff to you. You reinvent yourself. You take new risks, face new challenges. And when you go home again, the people who’ve known you the longest and deepest can see the incongruity. So you go back to your roots, and do a little pruning, add a little fertilizer. So that when you branch out again, you don’t lose sense of the soil you stem from.
So is it a beginning or an end?
Both. The beginning of a new way of looking at things and choosing to embrace the world, and an end to murkiness.

I’m home. And in being home, I’m learning to be more at home within myself.