the unthinkable

there is no easy way to do the unthinkable. how is it that we begin to cross the boundary in our mind, when do we take the first step over the imaginary line which demarcates the natural reflex, and the unthinkable audacity.

oh to be bold is to be weak?

to be daring is to be selfish?

to dream and wish is to insult your current position. commitment hitherto.

to do the unthinkable you must rise. above all expectation. all promise of condescension.

to do the unthinkable you must think it and grasp onto that hope that God will love you nonetheless.

i have done the unthinkable and i have begun to taste the sweetness of a new horizon.

in a realm where i can be just me.

and that is okay.

that is enough.

that can possibly even be noble.

or am i merely masking my guilt?

grace

i long for peace and purpose,
voice and reason,
a burning passion
a snowflake in season

an open field
a deep breath
a vast sea of phosphorescence
laid out before me
fine sand beneath my toes

i long for patience
and a quiet if reluctant understanding
that malice is never my intention
pain the last thing i wish to dish out

i long for the twisted knots around my conscience
to uncoil
i long to know that this is finally what i should be doing
should have stepped up to do
a long time ago

then again

this time seems good
this time seems ripe
this time i know its time
in the throes of sorrow
irreconciliable digits
like the ones i struggle to balance
on many a bright saturday night

the thing i say i would never do
may be the very thing that makes me me
the very thing that i've hungered for
longed for
all this while
martyrdom does not become me
my fake white gown is tainted

i long
how i long
for grace
in my weary flight
from this place