when i woke up on sunday,my bed was shaking.my room door trembled so loudly i thought someone was knocking on the door.i kept saying "come in".turns out it was because of an earthquake in indonesia.that morning more than my physical surroundings were shaken.my results were released hours after the quake,the results of my 1st semester at NUS.and it was quite earth shattering as well.i got way below the minimum CAP required for an Asean scholar such as I.i knew I had done less than my best this semester but didn’t expect to do that badly.it was a wake up call and strangely enough,I thank God for it.
there have been countless times in my life when things don’t go my way just so I’d wake up,look up and realize that I cannot do anything on my own.there’s a verse in the Bible that says,”apart from me you can do nothing”.and it is when I take things into my own hands where things get messed up.this was my dream.getting a scholarship to NUS,going off to study on my own to somewhere fun like Singapore.and i basically blew it.i took off and tried to fly but I didn’t soar.and now I will spend my next 7 semesters(if I truly pull it off next sem by amazingly pulling up my CAP to keep the scholarship) slogging my ass off and truly making myself deserve the scholarship and the chance to live my dreams.
The tragedy of yesterday’s earthquake and the tidal waves further augmented my trauma.in some way.and the aftershock has barely begun to leave its effects.already I have been feeling so very isolated from myself,listless and inwardly berating myself.the task at hand of drastically catapulting my grades out of the abyss only reminds me how foolishly I’ve thrown my chances away and how very different things could have been.
should have been..
”forgetting what is behind,straining towards what is ahead..” and now,humility is a lesson along with a host of others.
a song which spoke to me.part of it..
“…own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mould me
with your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me
oh you call me daughter
and you take my blame
and you run to meet me
when i cry out your name
so i fall before you in all of my shame
Lord i am willing to be changed
own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mould me
by your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me..”
and taking the lens into a bigger focus,i pray for the families of those tragically affected by the quake and tsunamis.for peace that passes all understanding and comfort in their hour of need..
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
my life in a song...?
One day I’ll fly away
I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin
To live again?
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your Love do for me?
When will Love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends
One day I'll fly away
Fly, fly away
I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin
To live again?
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your Love do for me?
When will Love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends
One day I'll fly away
Fly, fly away
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
All I wanted…
(written at 4.15pm,13 December 2004,at KLIA
All I wanted was to go home..after a harrowing,hectic first semester at NUS,at raffles,despite always being kept busy by hall activities,etc,etc,I longed for the warmth of home.and so I there I was all packed and ready.woke up at 6am to get ready to make the virgin trek from Singapore to senai airport in johor.thankfully I had someone to heave my giant luggage onto and off mrts,buses and through the causeways.i so wanted to take a taxi but thought I’d do my bit and save money.and so on and off buses and winding through throngs of people and finally the final bus to senai airport.this last bus seemed to take forever to get the show on the road.my flight was at 10.35am…air asia flight.by 10am,me still on the snail bus I was getting antsy..
Super optimistic me had a severe blow when I reached senai airport at 10.25am and flung myself out of the bus and ran towards the check in counter..(thankfully I had someone to handle my loads of luggage) only to see a closed sign.turns out the whole plane has been boarded and they weren’t gonna let me on..THE INJUSTICE!!tears started slowly rolling down my cheeks as I pleaded with the dude.to no avail.moreover it being air asia…the ticket fare was forfeited.i had blown the fare in efforts to “save money” by not taking a cab.it wasn’t just the money.i just wanted to go home and have everything sail on as planned.you know how I hate hate hate things that I already “planned” or “look forward to” to be messed up.more than anything I didn’t know how to tell my mum.i was so mad.mad at myself,mad at my companion (sorry!and thanks for helping me anyway),mad at air asia..just mad..and upset!!
The thing bout me is I don’t stay mad for long..so it just melts into sadness..almost depression.so,after finally calling my mummy,and sorting things out(she yelled obviously.and my dad yelled in the background),finally got an open MAS ticket which is not a direct flight to penang.got on the 12.10 flight to kl.was already so exhausted from everything.after waiting for rather long at baggage claim in KLIA,lo and behold the unimaginable happens.my bag is not there.mind you this is THE “giant luggage” that was lugged aroung agonizingly from my room on the third floor of raffles hall to the ground floor ,to the bus stop,to the bus,off the bus,to the mrt station,to the mrt,off the mrt to the next mrt,to the next bus stop,to the bus,to the causeway,back to the bus,to the next causeway,onto another bus,off the bus,to the bus terminal,to the next bus and finally to the airport…u get the picture?this is THE 26kg bag which contains ALL the Christmas presents I splurged on for my family including the supremely extravagant prezzies my bro and I are sharing for my parents.THE bag which also contains my most favoured articles of clothing,etc etc etc.I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!!and here unlike in johor I was alone and didn’t know how long I could be stoic,how long I could pretend to be strong and not let my face crumple.so,I approached th ebaggage idiots and after not that much walkie-talkie-ing,they tell me to report it since they can’t locate the damn thing.mind you at this point I don’t even have a flight back to penang from kl..like I have time for this!!!like I have strength for this.!!
(to be continued…)
written at 6.10pm,13 December 2004 at gate B5,KLIA
sigh.where was I?ahh yes,to cut a longggggggg story short.they still couldn’t locate my bag.so,filed a report and went to try get my flight to penang with the hope that my handphone will ring at any moment for them to tell me they found my bag.was put on standby for the 3.40 flight and i had just missed the 1.55pm flight being stuck in the baggage lost and found office for so blinking long.sooo,gastric struck.just felt soo aaarrrggghhhh!!!decided to eat lunch.had fried meehoon and fried egg for RM9!!!actually it was RM9.45 but I didn’t have more than 9 ringgit on me..after all I had to pay RM286 for my blinking MAS plane ticket which I bought last minute.but the cashier was nice enough to let me just pay the RM9..cool huh.in the midst of my day’s disappointments I was glad that there were still nice people in the world to make me smile.another example of the good still left in the world was when i landed and was trying to make my way off the plane with my large tote bag,laptop bag and giant carry on bag.the gentleman behind me not only helped me carry the said giant carry on bag from the overhead compartment but he also carried it all the way through the narrow corridor and off the plane.=)….etc etc etc.so on and so forth….
To be continued
18 december 2004,12.47am
well,didn’t have time to finish up my loonnggg reenactment of my little adventure,so it may lose some of its original emotion and pizzazz now that I’m looking at it in retrospect.i always hold true to the quotation that …”this too will pass” and thankfully it did pass.after all there are always new things for me to be upset about and for my folks to be upset about me about thus amplifying my own being upset..thankfully I got back my bag.THE bag.it flew to kl from johor at 5pm that day.and after reclaiming it I got onto the 6.40pm flight back to penang.yay.braced myself for a major shelling.
All I wanted was to go home..after a harrowing,hectic first semester at NUS,at raffles,despite always being kept busy by hall activities,etc,etc,I longed for the warmth of home.and so I there I was all packed and ready.woke up at 6am to get ready to make the virgin trek from Singapore to senai airport in johor.thankfully I had someone to heave my giant luggage onto and off mrts,buses and through the causeways.i so wanted to take a taxi but thought I’d do my bit and save money.and so on and off buses and winding through throngs of people and finally the final bus to senai airport.this last bus seemed to take forever to get the show on the road.my flight was at 10.35am…air asia flight.by 10am,me still on the snail bus I was getting antsy..
Super optimistic me had a severe blow when I reached senai airport at 10.25am and flung myself out of the bus and ran towards the check in counter..(thankfully I had someone to handle my loads of luggage) only to see a closed sign.turns out the whole plane has been boarded and they weren’t gonna let me on..THE INJUSTICE!!tears started slowly rolling down my cheeks as I pleaded with the dude.to no avail.moreover it being air asia…the ticket fare was forfeited.i had blown the fare in efforts to “save money” by not taking a cab.it wasn’t just the money.i just wanted to go home and have everything sail on as planned.you know how I hate hate hate things that I already “planned” or “look forward to” to be messed up.more than anything I didn’t know how to tell my mum.i was so mad.mad at myself,mad at my companion (sorry!and thanks for helping me anyway),mad at air asia..just mad..and upset!!
The thing bout me is I don’t stay mad for long..so it just melts into sadness..almost depression.so,after finally calling my mummy,and sorting things out(she yelled obviously.and my dad yelled in the background),finally got an open MAS ticket which is not a direct flight to penang.got on the 12.10 flight to kl.was already so exhausted from everything.after waiting for rather long at baggage claim in KLIA,lo and behold the unimaginable happens.my bag is not there.mind you this is THE “giant luggage” that was lugged aroung agonizingly from my room on the third floor of raffles hall to the ground floor ,to the bus stop,to the bus,off the bus,to the mrt station,to the mrt,off the mrt to the next mrt,to the next bus stop,to the bus,to the causeway,back to the bus,to the next causeway,onto another bus,off the bus,to the bus terminal,to the next bus and finally to the airport…u get the picture?this is THE 26kg bag which contains ALL the Christmas presents I splurged on for my family including the supremely extravagant prezzies my bro and I are sharing for my parents.THE bag which also contains my most favoured articles of clothing,etc etc etc.I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!!and here unlike in johor I was alone and didn’t know how long I could be stoic,how long I could pretend to be strong and not let my face crumple.so,I approached th ebaggage idiots and after not that much walkie-talkie-ing,they tell me to report it since they can’t locate the damn thing.mind you at this point I don’t even have a flight back to penang from kl..like I have time for this!!!like I have strength for this.!!
(to be continued…)
written at 6.10pm,13 December 2004 at gate B5,KLIA
sigh.where was I?ahh yes,to cut a longggggggg story short.they still couldn’t locate my bag.so,filed a report and went to try get my flight to penang with the hope that my handphone will ring at any moment for them to tell me they found my bag.was put on standby for the 3.40 flight and i had just missed the 1.55pm flight being stuck in the baggage lost and found office for so blinking long.sooo,gastric struck.just felt soo aaarrrggghhhh!!!decided to eat lunch.had fried meehoon and fried egg for RM9!!!actually it was RM9.45 but I didn’t have more than 9 ringgit on me..after all I had to pay RM286 for my blinking MAS plane ticket which I bought last minute.but the cashier was nice enough to let me just pay the RM9..cool huh.in the midst of my day’s disappointments I was glad that there were still nice people in the world to make me smile.another example of the good still left in the world was when i landed and was trying to make my way off the plane with my large tote bag,laptop bag and giant carry on bag.the gentleman behind me not only helped me carry the said giant carry on bag from the overhead compartment but he also carried it all the way through the narrow corridor and off the plane.=)….etc etc etc.so on and so forth….
To be continued
18 december 2004,12.47am
well,didn’t have time to finish up my loonnggg reenactment of my little adventure,so it may lose some of its original emotion and pizzazz now that I’m looking at it in retrospect.i always hold true to the quotation that …”this too will pass” and thankfully it did pass.after all there are always new things for me to be upset about and for my folks to be upset about me about thus amplifying my own being upset..thankfully I got back my bag.THE bag.it flew to kl from johor at 5pm that day.and after reclaiming it I got onto the 6.40pm flight back to penang.yay.braced myself for a major shelling.
Friday, December 10, 2004
never never land...
today i saw a little girl through the mrt doors and smiled at her.after 2 seconds...she smiled back=).my heart beamed.see ,with children its possible to generate such a reaction,smile at an"adult' on the mrt and you'll get stared down,no response or both.the other day i was at toys 'r' us,shopping for my sister sarah's christmas present and thought about the not too distant future when she would outgrow toys and the realm of wonder and magic it leads us to.as i skimmed through the aisles i remembered my fascination with the giant toystore when i was a kid.heck,i still get excited going there=p.i saw a girl there,short plain hair,spectacles almost half the size of her face...reminded me a lot of me...when i was young.as she stared intently at the array of toys in front of her i contemplated saying hi to her and asking her which particular toy she liked.i was afraid she'd start screaming and call for her parents.how i yearn for the days when my biggest worry was which of my coveted toys i'd get for christmas.
children are truly wonderful,magical creatures filled with potentiality and innocence,like a clean notebook or journal just waiting to have their pages filled.i miss my little sister,who isn't so little anymore.gosh,she'll be 12 in february just as i'll be 21 in march.i shall miss my childhood and always try to retain childlike ness to some extent,..being uninhibited in expression,always eager and excited about something close to their heart,inquisitive..and full of imagination..free from the constraints and confines of what is now drilled into us as rules and the code of conduct..whatever is deemed acceptable by society norms etc etc..i remember the toys "r" us song when i was young..i dont wanna grow up ,i just wanna be a kid..well,at the time i was like..are u kidding???i WANT to grow up and grow my wings and be free to fly and soar..now i look back somewhat wistfully..
i shall continue to smile at children and even strike conversations with them.just to glean some magic from their whirring childlike minds..=)
children are truly wonderful,magical creatures filled with potentiality and innocence,like a clean notebook or journal just waiting to have their pages filled.i miss my little sister,who isn't so little anymore.gosh,she'll be 12 in february just as i'll be 21 in march.i shall miss my childhood and always try to retain childlike ness to some extent,..being uninhibited in expression,always eager and excited about something close to their heart,inquisitive..and full of imagination..free from the constraints and confines of what is now drilled into us as rules and the code of conduct..whatever is deemed acceptable by society norms etc etc..i remember the toys "r" us song when i was young..i dont wanna grow up ,i just wanna be a kid..well,at the time i was like..are u kidding???i WANT to grow up and grow my wings and be free to fly and soar..now i look back somewhat wistfully..
i shall continue to smile at children and even strike conversations with them.just to glean some magic from their whirring childlike minds..=)
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
dance,soccer and the in- betweens
the thing that troubles me the most is why i have taken so long to update my blog.despite so many many thoughts swirling round my mind and despite being on holiday.so much to do.ahh well,exams ended on the 27th of nov for me and straightaway i went off to hang with my family who were in town.really had fun with them despite some unwanted lectures.but this being the blog in which i dont directly delve into my innermost thoughts and emotions,i shant go into that.anyways,as soon as my family went home,i've been busy with dance camp,dance practices and soccer training and moving room.not to mention chilling out and enjoying hols=) and cooking=).goin home in 5 days time.
i do love to dance.not that good at it though i realize=p.sigh.think i prefer singing to dancing.and ooh soccer!yes,i absolutely enjoy soccer.sigh.my writing has gone down the drain.you see why i've been avoiding updating my blog???!!anyways,...aaarrgghh.what to say??well,i have soccer early tmr,shall attempt more next time=p
i do love to dance.not that good at it though i realize=p.sigh.think i prefer singing to dancing.and ooh soccer!yes,i absolutely enjoy soccer.sigh.my writing has gone down the drain.you see why i've been avoiding updating my blog???!!anyways,...aaarrgghh.what to say??well,i have soccer early tmr,shall attempt more next time=p
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