turning 21...

twenty one candles all aglow, a delectable cake illuminated, a blurry crowd surrounding ...balloons and fanfare? , and then the crowd fades and there is only you.or maybe there isn't a crowd even, a handful of close friends? perhaps.but at the end of it all,it boils down to you.just you.that's what birthdays are about anyway.so you can crave the fanfare,the celebration,the party but birthdays i guess are all about introspection. looking back, looking within, and looking ahead.

so,where were we?ah yes, twenty one candles all aglow, a delectable cake illuminated, a blurry crowd surrounding , balloons and fanfare? and then we zoom out of the scene, hurtling, spiraling, through the hazy tunnel of experiences, compendium of memories, fragments of moments..compendium.i like that word.when i was little i used to have boxed sets which called themselves.."a compendium of games".those tackily colured box of games which i would frequently play with myself, which i would frequently get on prizegiving day for out-guessing evryone else in your not so bright primary school class during final exams.that's what it was anyway,was'nt it? just a matter of out-guessing everyone else.back then at least.
so,hurtling,spinning,spiraling, thorugh the years which brought me here on the brink tomorrow, and all i have is.....? what have i achieved, where have i gotten?
i used to think i had it all.maybe because so many people kept saying it that i started to believe in it...
so here i am.in university.struggling to regain any sense of being above average as i was so prone to find myself back in the day."back in the day,back in the day" another phrase which fascinates me.where ever did i adopt it from anyway? probably some movie with a clownish bunch of old fogeys sitting,commiserating about their hey days,while shaking their heads disapprovingly at "youngsters these days"."why,back in the day,we would hustle ourselves outta bed to the farm and milk cows before the cock even started to crow,"back in the day,back in the day.and then they'd blisfully dwell on old memories and sigh,back in the day,back in the day.

what's so wrong with being "average" anyway? by whose standards? but no,have to do my utter best, i-mei.always this desperate magnetic attraction towards that elusive realm of being "the best possible version of myself".in every blinking way.pathetic almost ,come to think of it.what is being the best anyhow? any state of progression from where you once were? best is the end result of "better"? good,better,best in chronological order.and then what? demotion from best to less than best?
in history,in sociology,we argue, what is progress anyway? what is development?are we better than who our ancestors were hundreds of years ago?just because of scientific revolutions,industrial development, a heightened awareness of the world around us? humanism? capitalism? who's to say they weren't better off then? sure,women's equality is great but other than that? after all, we designed these paradigms, we came up with words like revolution and science anyway.even comparing between cultures,forget about difference in time and era,in the same day and age, are those who do not drive cars and wear as much clothing as us,"less refined","less civilized" just because they don't fit into our definition of civilization? mind boggling huh?
so,,here we are ,ultimately alone to face your own journey,save of course God and your family and friends but ultimately alone.Is God pleased with me anyhow? the thought scares me.on my 21st bday and always,is God pleased? and if he isn't,what the heck am i doing about it? are mummy and daddy pleased? is anyone at all pleased with me?
who i was,
who i've become
and who i will be?

ultimately,
am
i
pleased?

then again life is a journey not a destination.a process not a stagnant state.bettering one's self or at least the attempt is always a good thing.stretching ourselves to reach new heights.new dimensions.
so,here i am.
i have not written a book.
i have not scaled a mountain.
i have not donated any organs to any poor soul who needs any.
i have not swum across the English Channel.
i have not bungee-jumped or para-sailed.
i have not discovered the cure for the common cold.
i have not won an oscar or a grammy.
i have not found the way to obtain world peace.

but
i have written numerous poems to appreciate my loved ones.
i have often walked distances with an aim in mind.
i have donated my time and effort towards chasing away tears of others.
i have braved my own oceans of doubt.
i have swung on a trapeze and cycled downhill,for a moment flying.
i have strived towards obtaining knowledge and a sound education, excelled in quite a few exams.
i have found joy performing onstage several times, and sing my heart out frequently.
i have tried to advocate peace in my immediate surroundings.

i have known joy,sorrow,fear,excitement,anticipation,pleasure,disappointment,shock,giddyness,pride,doubt,etc
and most all
i have known love...

here i am
and I have lived,
that in itself is my achievement.
my destiny
my legacy.
and i shall keep on striving to be the best possible version of myself and to be a light, in the blackest darkness.
and celebrate birthdays.even if only within.
looking back, looking within, and looking ahead.