for you

metafiction

i do not write on this blog often. when i do, i coat it with ambiguity. i do not write of specific happenings, or dissect my feelings and thoughts on this, that or the other. i don't want to be reduced into something less than what is. i do not want to be bare upon the table, a cadaver for an enquiring mind.
but i have a voice that sometimes longs to be heard in words, strung along into a chain of meaning. a meaning that reflects a truth. a truth that is often masked... how can i say something to someone and no one and everyone at once?

it is a cold, chilly, rain-dripped early sunday morning. in my mind it is still saturday because that makes the weekend seem longer. so it seems like i have more time to slowly pluck off the post-its on the side of my desk. each yellow post-it note bears an essay or assignment to finish in the next couple of days or so. the post-its are yellow but not so sunny.

i am missing him. weekend after weekend i try to edge him out little by little so that i have more time to spend on my readings and other things to do. i want my alone time. i want my get my room in shape time. i want my space to breathe. it has only been 3 days and all i want to do is see him. let him keep me warm. tell him my thoughts on the Michael Jackson "film" I caught today. it is 8pm in Spain. perhaps I could sneak a call, just to say hello from across the oceans...

i am prone to displacement, replacement of thought upon thought, stream upon stream of consciousness. i can convince myself of alternate realities. I can, I am, I want, I should.
maybe i should.
just write my essays. and stop thinking, stop feeling.

meanwhile, i pray your brother finds his way home this very moment..

why do you let me tell you how to live

let me tell you how to live,
because i am older and more experienced
i have walked on this earth longer and thus should know
the curveballs that spring from the indentation of nothingness
i have been through the whole gamut of loss, pain and failure
but not the suicide of a peer

let me tell you how to live
because i know
that wall you build around your self, the one u insist you cannot move
i know that you can and within you there is power

let me tell you how to live
because i am composed most days
even when my flyaway hair has gone amok
and the colours i wear are mixed from a wavering brush
and even though the flinging hurt that lashes across from uninformed surmises
and that hollow echoing of blank stares pit me against myself


let me tell you how to live
because i know you deserve a love that is undeniable in its certainty
a love that wraps your soul and snuggles up to your own faltering ego
a love that laughs along with your bizarre cartoon outbursts
and skips along with you in the middle of the mall
a love that sings to your heart even when the phone doesn't ring

let me tell you how to live
because life ain't about not having things to worry about or to feel broken down by
but by looking back and knowing you found a way out of the pits
and knowing that every single fleeting moment you can decide
you can choose
you can reinvent yourself
and be the greatest you that there ever was
and that that will be enough
for you, for him, for her, for me, and everybody who cares to feel

let me tell you how to live
because we all have our own ideas
of how to live
and even me myself my plucky I
wake up every morning just to learn a little morsel more
face my path, climb my hills
for that glimpse of dawn
and that breath of serenity

how to be a stiletto by pooja nansi

Give the gift of power.

Not just by rising up to heights, but by knowing
that pain can be overcome
with stubborn audacity.

Show that appearances are more important than reality.

The blistered, chafed parts of you
must at all times
be covered in sequins,
so that even if you feel battered,
you look invincible in all your glory.

Expose the seduction, spunk, spirit that's been
quashed by the lazy wandering of easy flat planes.

Remind everyone that safe
is not wondrous.

Gratification
is not the same as contentment,

and that gracefulness
has nothing to do with
ease.

Recognise that red is your best colour,
that you are a tool and a weapon all at once.

Harness your ability to keep someone
under your heel and grant freedom
from the same point
of your existence.

Walk sufferers of low self-esteem
enlightened into the night.
Make sure they wince
only once the music dies,
when they are safe
from the public eye.

Lead hearts onto dance floors.
Lift them into the promise
of the music to the understanding that

a life lived afraid,
and in comfort,
is no life
at all.

incessant racket

it is always there
the grinding clamour
of cement brick and plaster
being blasted to smithereens
the deafening friction of machine on wall floor or ceiling
right next door
or below or above me
everywhere i go
in every country i can call home loosely or with firm conviction
with every dwelling i can park my self and my belongings at
every fucking where this incessant pounding and banging
racking havoc with my fragile head
it isn't funny when all i want is peace and some frigging quiet or if not that then at least
the prospect of a head that isn't throbbing
a mind that is free to roam without being hijacked by that whirring rumbling chugging of a ceaseless beast
do i really have to leave the sanctity of home or so it seems this is for now
and shuffle among the potentially unhealthy flu carriers in mall after mall to escape this noise
trade this for another version of calamity
where every penny i cling on to seems magnetized by something bright and colourful and price-slashed
not once but three times over...final reduction!
still my head throbs, my ears ring long after they have gone home to briyani rice
my pages blank unwritten stories and poems stuck within
my rows of books unread
all driven to a sadistic halt by the incessant racket

a musical legend died today

when i was 12, i got onto a plane and flew alone to kl for a major event. Michael Jackson's HISTORY world tour. It rained that night, but it didn't deter the 80,000 fans clambering for a piece of Michael Jackson's magic. For some inexplicable reason, I had been a fan since i was 5. It was when I was watching his Thriller music video, perched on the edge of a sofa and swinging towards the screen that i fell off and crashed into a glass cabinet and cut my face. I read his biography. I had a huge poster of him in my cupboard. and though over the years there were many reasons to be shy about being a fan of his, the fact remains that he was an incredible musical genius and has contributed immensely to the industry.
he dies mere weeks from his big comeback tour and it is very tragic indeed.
may he rest in peace...



"Gone Too Soon"

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

yet i wallow in the wading pool of mediocrity

there is nothing left to do for now, but to snap out of it. this looming gloom of every day which sends me tumbling through my very own slow decay. i am here, this is now. tomorrow will come, eventually but 'til then, this listlessness and sad foray will not do. i ponder and i wonder about this extrication of self and sorrow from the famed writing of tomorrow. unwritten, undigested.
yet i wallow.

"One Of The Brightest Stars"

One day your story will be told.
One of the lucky ones who's made his name.
One day they'll make you glorious,
Beneath the lights of your deserved fame.
And it all comes round.
Once in a lifetime like it always does.
Everybody loves you 'cause you've taken a chance,
Out on a dance to the moon, too soon.
And they'll say told you so.
We were the ones who saw you first of all.
We always knew that you were one of the brightest stars.
One day they'll tell you that you've changed,
Though they're the ones who seem to stop and stare.
One day you'll hope to make the grave,
Before the papers choose to send you there.
And it all comes round.
Once in a lifetime like it always does.
Nobody loves you 'cause you've taken a chance,
Out on a dance to the moon, too soon.
And they'll say told you so.
We were the ones who saw you first of all.
We always knew that you were one of the brightest stars.
And they'll say told you so.
We were the ones who saw you first of all.
We always knew that you were one of the brightest

yet another scam...what's the world coming to?

Colin Alderman
Partner
Barlow Robbins LLP
55 Quarry Street, Merseyside
Liverpool, L25 6EZ.
Direct Tel: +44 703 180 6846


Good Day ,


This is a personal email directed to you and I request that it be treated as such.
I am Barrister Colin Alderman, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney/sole executor to the late Mr. Dickson, hereinafter referred to as’ my client' who worked as an independent oil magnate in my country and who died in a car crash with his immediate family on the 4th of oct,1998. Since the death of my client in Oct, 1998, I have written several letters to the embassy with intent to locate any of his extended relatives whom shall be claimants/beneficiaries of his abandoned personal estate and all such efforts have been to no avail.

Moreover, I have received official letters in the last few weeks suggesting a likely proceeding for confiscation of his abandoned personal assets in line with existing laws by the bank in which my client deposited the sum of 30 million pounds.

On this note I decided to search for a credible person and finding that you bear a similar last name, I was urged to contact you, that I may, with your consent, present you to the "trustee" bank as my late client's surviving family member so as to enable you put up a claim to the bank in that capacity as a next of kin of my client.

I find this possible for the fuller reasons that you bear a similar last name with my client making it a lot easier for you to put up a claim in that capacity. I propose that 50% of the net sum will accrue to you at the conclusion of this deal in so far as I do not incur further expenses.

Therefore, to facilitate the immediate transfer of this fund, you need, first to contact me via email signifying your interest and as soon as I obtain your confidence, I will immediately appraise you with the complete details as well as fax you the documents, with which you are to proceed and i shall direct on how to put up an application to the bank.

HOWEVER, you will have to assent to an express agreement which I will forward to you in order to bind us in this transaction.

Upon the receipt of your reply, I will send you by fax or E-mail the next step to take. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this proposal is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any fears as the required arrangements have been made for the completion of this transfer. Like I said, I require only a solemn confidentiality on this.

Best regards,

Colin Alderman.

you show up

somedays you go to work a little late, a little less put together, a little less eyeliner. like none, really.
you trudge along. to the workplace. a little less motivated, a little less focused, a little less of a workaholic.
you surf, and browse and bang out a random poem in 5 minutes.

I was born to live
I was born to love
I was born to be
The one that you deserve
I was born to thrive
I was born to bloom
I was born to smile
And lead you from your gloom
I was born to hold you
And keep you in my heart
I was born to breathe you in
And exhale works of art
I was born to shine
I was born to glean
I was born to make a life
That would something mean
I was born to live
I was born to love
I was born to be
The one that you deserve

and then it's time for lunch. you soak in the break even as you begin to feel, break from what, exactly?
guilt seeps in, in little beads. what have you done so far to deserve the pay you just banked in today. in the morning, before the weekend, which is why you were late in the first place. you keep your wallet closed like a mouth encasing gold, so you're richer for longer. so the pay day glow lasts.
you bank it all in, a sore lesson after having been robbed on pay day 2 months before. your mind dreams and roams and still, at work, you do minimally. work that is.

somedays you go to work, with a little less inclination to do your job. nothing urgent, nothing pending, nothing requires your innate skill.
but at least, you show up...

dreaming with a broken heart...

if who i am is what i have, and what i have is lost then who am i?

and what if what i've lost are not mere possessions? but a huge part of your soul?

and you know not how to mend the gaping hole, the bridge you burned to walk your own path.

you dream and your aching heart roams in a parallel world.

john mayer wrote a song," dreaming with a broken heart". he says of the song, it's about how you've had a fallout with someone and in your dreams all is well, then you wake up and realize man, that person still hates me..."

i liked the song long ago, never realized it'd end up resonating with me so well.

namecards...

after many weeks of meetings, concerts, networking sessions (and a primary school reunion) of meeting various who's whos in the industry and beyond, our HIGHLY dependable and EFFICIENT printers (ask me who not to use next time!) have delivered my new namecards.

this is not my first or second namecard, but it is the first that isn't under a company which belongs to my parents. haha. o joy.

and now to seek out the ideal namecard case, which will embody professionalism, class and a tinge of my individual personality with a touch of quirkiness. and can fit at least 10 cards at a time. think i can get one for sgd5? heh. 

anyone wants my namecard??=)

p.s the above post was written in a state of delirium brought on by acute flu n sinus attack. please ignore all degrees of nonsensicality. 

in the span between then and now

much has happened.

this is the biggest understatement.

my life has changed drastically.

i did it.

God did it.

they allowed it.

i travelled quite a bit. like a whole lot in fact when juxtaposed with my total travellers' miles in the 24 years before.

there was new zealand. 

oh the sights. the scenery.

there was the travel bit. and the journey itself. (spiritual journey as that fashion designer from london says) with my emotional baggage.

and the finally visiting marie leg of the trip which was sublime.

so many things about this trip was sublime.

so much so that the stories from here will form my first book. (no joke)

other travels included kl, kuantan, jakarta. my first visit to indonesia really, to rebuild family ties with someone and taste the life there. caught up a fair bit with old old friends in kl and had  a great time doing so. 

i have relocated to singapore. awaiting my return to university come august. meanwhile i have a job. a rather decent one too. celebrated a milestone. 

all the while, adjusting, adapting. spanning my wings. i carry in my heart, a heavy bag of sadness. i try to stuff it deep, wedge it away so i can breathe. so i can live. so i can move on and slowly think of how to make amends. how to mend bridges. 

during the new zealand trip, the pain was at its most intense, nay it comes back sometimes in sudden spurts, but then it was fresh, it was new, it was raw. and all i could do was look around at the beauty. surrounding. every corner of that land. and see God's big smiling face.

and then i could rise above it. 

and then there was christmas. i desperately tried to recreate some semblance of christmas as i knew it. and it was ok. christmas was alright.

it is a new year now. i have had my say. what little i could muster. it is far from fixed. but i can look ahead. to brighter times in that particular pasture and thank my God for bringing my through.

for still putting bright lights and pillars of hugs in my way. good friends old and new. near and far. and my patient perpetual companion. 

it is a new year now. 

and in the span between then and now.

much has happened.

here's wishing all of you a fabulous 2009!