learning to breathe

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

this post was going to start off completely differently. but then i came across the above quotation. i spend the end of each day these days, alone in my bed, grappling for comforts of the past and my now elusive hold of the future. i sleep earlier but it is a fitful sleep. and i think my heart is crying.

perhaps i should chant to myself;
live in the present, live in the present.
but in my present, he is not here. and i don't know where he'll be in the future. which is what sparked this whole trauma, of course.

for now, i shall just learn to breathe. and focus on other things in my present and my chosen future. my career, the business i am helping to build, the craft i am honing. think of how to garner more income. think of how to be a better daughter, sister, friend. think of how to be nicer, kinder, better, stronger. healthier, even.

it is harder to breathe now. and the tears store themselves in my imposed cement refuge.

but i am still me. ain't i?
and i am okay. by myself. aren't i?
this is the goal. to say i am. no matter what.

voyeur

the dictionary function on my microsoft word for mac makes me giggle as i look for the exact definition of my title. so as not to twitch noses, or raise eyebrows. nevertheless, i'm sticking with it.

curious?

voyeur.
look it up.
and don't be cheeky.

tiptoed a little beyond my regular daily links on the world wide web. chanced upon some interesting blogs, there are people who i can relate to after all, whom i actually know but never knew that well. you see what having someone's blog url can do; direct access.
eye opener; people (regular type people not attention seeking whores from pre-adolescence) freely discuss their brazilians in their blogs! shocker. nyuk nyuk.
then again there are those like me whose blogs are like convoluted mazes whisking through mere sneaks and peeks of the true person behind such opaque ramblings. so much for direct access. care for a puzzle anyone?

so what does this tell me?

write more.
be real. attempt to not hang the veil so thickly over my words.
in simple words..don't care so much what people think.
yet its scary isn't it? i'm not as thick skinned as you may think. you may write something, share something, never knowing who'll read it and what they'll make of it.
tricksey.

mei needs a social life.
i make too many excuses for myself and haven't yet mastered the art of being useful and ever present during the weekend and catering to domestic necessities and also having family time while having me time. my weekends aren't very long after all. perhaps after the move. but then i'll love the house and my room EVEN more. more reasons to stay home on a saturday night.

now this ain't so hard. i used to say i want to blog everyday, then i'd make it so evry post is an event in itself, and the censoring, dear Lord, takes forever. by that i mean omitting the personal details, to protect the privacy of the people around me, the place i work etc. so complicated! hiak.

i do feel a slight ever so slight sense of liberation now. i can write more and try to worry less.

some things to smile about today:
got my moleskine prizes in the mail
had a mini karaoke session with sarah=p