today, a year ago

today, a year ago was january 6th, 2006. it was a relatively sunny friday. not to me it wasn't.
though it was hard to tell beneath the veil of tears that blanketed my eyes for most of that day.
it was the last day of my whirlwind 3 day trip to singapore to pack up, clear out of raffles hall, withdraw from nus and settle immigration issues with singapore. not to mention attempt to squeeze in time to say goodbye to the few people in my life there that i managed to see before i left. for good.
the day was bleak, my heart was heavier than it had had ever been before. utter depression had taken root within the vestiges of my spirit. to say like i felt like a failure is a gross understatement. what's worse than being a failure is believing you're a success your whole life (amidst intermissions of insecurity) and then slowly but surely setting yourself on fire so that you explode right off your styrofoam pedestal.

nevertheless, there i was. reduced to one big suitcase, two small luggage bags and a backpack, after a harrowing night of offloading many of my possesions that had meant so much to me and yet ended up as wasted money staring at my face..from clothes to ikea furniture to reams of printed,written,photocopied (zapped) notes.
i came home, washed by a cloud of shame. dreading the bleak uncertainty that was my life and the stench of failure that followed me. a sudden return meant an upheaval of domestic dynamics. everyone had to put up with my return, my presence, my very depressed presence at that and my string of baggage. my freedom and autonomy snuffed out. one thing i recall vividly was that mummy cooked my favourite pineapple prawn curry for me that night. she makes that like once a year if even that. and she hardly even cooks at all.

a year has passed. sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and others, it feels like a decade ago. because of everything that has happened since. for a while i could'nt breathe properly, like i was constantly weighed down by my regrets. i woke up with spasms of alternate sharp and dull pains in my chest. i slept as early as i possibly could and dreaded waking up because then all the pain would come hurtling at me. in the present, when i feel like things are tough and i still haven't finished sorting things out, i look back and remember how much worse things were, and how i've come through it all stronger, wiser and better. once again the phrase "this too will pass" rings true. God has his ways...

seeing as this is my first post of 2007, i wanna wish everyone a happy new year. Here's wishing you the hope and faith in expecting a great year and the courage and strength to make it happen.