evolution

the slow and steady evolution of my gadget history..=)
whoohoo, new phone!
(a more articulate update to come soon)

check this out

My blog is worth $1,129.08.
How much is your blog worth?

shoppe

went a little crazy with buying valentine's stuff! couldnt help myself the stuff are lovely!

peek at a sample i made for the shoppe.

another sample valentine for my pretend valentine for the shoppe. giant chipboard shape.


there is a story i'm dying to tell. making it a point to blog this little snippet of a memory from long ago that came to mind today as i was setting up the shop for sale which starts SATURDAY. i'm so excited. anyways,
when i was 9 in std 3, we were doing a topic on money for maths classes and for some reason, maths then was super fun and our teacher made us bring empty boxes and various packaging. they collected at the back. then another time teacher made us trace coins and cut them out. then one day he/she? made us rearrange our desks around the class and we set out the boxes and various packaging made to look as goods and set up shop. the rest of the class took turns being customers buying stuff and we had to practise giving out correct change with out counterfeit homemade coins. it was crazy fun.
i think ever since, or maybe that didnt make that much of a difference but somehow i'd always played shoppe even with myself. funny how now i play for real. calling customers and lettingt hem know a sale is coming up and setting up wondering who'll come is almost like planning a party.
anyways, speaking of party




4 happie little girls' name tags. or they will be happie tomorrow at the scrapbook class/party i'm teaching/hosting.
bright colours, foam stamps, snacks and scrapping. sounds like a fun evening for four 9 year olds and one almost 23 year old=p

chinese new year beckons. can't wait to wear my cheongsam from shanghai=)

obfuscate

it is alarmingly ridiculous how much we depend on our internet. how much i rely on the internet and hwo terribly frustrating it is to have not been having connection for the past few weeks. can't blog, can't check email, can't download stuff. can't chat, etc etc etc.
other alarmingly ridiculous things to whine about..the new gurney drive roundabout, for crying out loud was stuck at the roundabout for 15 minutes because penang drivers dunno how to use a roundabout.
smog and smoke in my neighbourhood air when im trying to exercise by running. the not fresh air makes me feel even more unhealthy.
alarmingly ridiculous how my money dwindles so fast. the shopaholic relapse. sigh. so much for saving thousands by now and rebuilding my savings after emptying out to pay my laptop loan.
being so darn lonely...

today, a year ago

today, a year ago was january 6th, 2006. it was a relatively sunny friday. not to me it wasn't.
though it was hard to tell beneath the veil of tears that blanketed my eyes for most of that day.
it was the last day of my whirlwind 3 day trip to singapore to pack up, clear out of raffles hall, withdraw from nus and settle immigration issues with singapore. not to mention attempt to squeeze in time to say goodbye to the few people in my life there that i managed to see before i left. for good.
the day was bleak, my heart was heavier than it had had ever been before. utter depression had taken root within the vestiges of my spirit. to say like i felt like a failure is a gross understatement. what's worse than being a failure is believing you're a success your whole life (amidst intermissions of insecurity) and then slowly but surely setting yourself on fire so that you explode right off your styrofoam pedestal.

nevertheless, there i was. reduced to one big suitcase, two small luggage bags and a backpack, after a harrowing night of offloading many of my possesions that had meant so much to me and yet ended up as wasted money staring at my face..from clothes to ikea furniture to reams of printed,written,photocopied (zapped) notes.
i came home, washed by a cloud of shame. dreading the bleak uncertainty that was my life and the stench of failure that followed me. a sudden return meant an upheaval of domestic dynamics. everyone had to put up with my return, my presence, my very depressed presence at that and my string of baggage. my freedom and autonomy snuffed out. one thing i recall vividly was that mummy cooked my favourite pineapple prawn curry for me that night. she makes that like once a year if even that. and she hardly even cooks at all.

a year has passed. sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and others, it feels like a decade ago. because of everything that has happened since. for a while i could'nt breathe properly, like i was constantly weighed down by my regrets. i woke up with spasms of alternate sharp and dull pains in my chest. i slept as early as i possibly could and dreaded waking up because then all the pain would come hurtling at me. in the present, when i feel like things are tough and i still haven't finished sorting things out, i look back and remember how much worse things were, and how i've come through it all stronger, wiser and better. once again the phrase "this too will pass" rings true. God has his ways...

seeing as this is my first post of 2007, i wanna wish everyone a happy new year. Here's wishing you the hope and faith in expecting a great year and the courage and strength to make it happen.

own me..again

Own Me

Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live
many are left half read, covered by the cobwebs on my shelf
and i got a list of laws growing longer everyday
and if i keep plugin away
maybe one day i will perfect myself
oh but all of my labor
seems to be in vain
and all of my laws just cause me more pain
so i fall before you with all of my shame
ready and willing to be changed

own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mold me
with your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me

oh you call me daughter
and you take my blame
and you run to meet me
when i cry out your name
so i fall before you in all of my shame
Lord i am willing to be changed

own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mold me
by your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me

oh what a song

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
And climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when your shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
Where people 're saying,
"My God that's tough, she stood him up!
No point in us remaining.
May as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Now looking back over the years,
And what ever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to have cried the tears
And at sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand, why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart
So badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

maybe

maybe i should read all my journals and blog posts and diaries. and when im done i should read all the letters i have. and then maybe the cards. and then maybe after that i'll remember who i am or who i used to be or who i was supposed to be. or maybe it'll be gutwrenching stink. or maybe it'll reduce me to the mouse who stole the cheese and couldn't fit it throught the mousehole. or maybe i'll just cry and cry til the cows come home and get milked and then go out to graze again. maybe it might be good to face myself again. last dec 27 was just as bad okay it was probably worse. who's the pot and who's the kettle.

perhaps today

perhaps today
today i'll have the guts to say what i really mean what i really feel
but every day i've been doing that
a little too much and at the wrong time
so today i got what i deserved
i don't suppose now's a good time to ask
can i take a trip to watch phantom and then some
so much for that
looks like i wont get to book in advance after all
you see why i didnt wanna get all excited and stuff
so now the jam's outta my doughnut
you could say
perhaps today
but no now it's for real
no degree what can i be if i'm out on the streets
and i hate the t accounts the banks might bore me to tears
even at pen ads they shunned me
i wonder why
to this day i wonder
no car to be some marketing fluff
some sales trainee pulling a bluff
and after all it is penang
and i am picky and how will i even get there by 9am?
take a bus unless its in town beg a ride from the bro
and how will i sever the ties that bind
oh wait they've done it for me
but thats the farm i want
gimme the pigs gimme the hay
scrap i want most but oh what the hey
perhaps today
a break might be good
if only i had peace of mind
a piece of my mind
is shorn torn forlorn
perhaps today a break will be good
if it weren't here perhaps
cause a break right here only feels broken
so much for that
perhaps they're hiring at that new mall
gawd knows they need better banners
but its almost an island away well half at least
perhaps i should stop thinking and sleep til new york brings you home
and i stop spilling my guts

tis the season to be jolly

christmas cards all lined up. these were all sold though, sorry my cards to you folks don't look like these=(.

bricolage

so i posted this some months back on my scrap blog. which has been collecting dust. surprise surprise.. just thought i'd share it with you guys. this is what i've been up to more or less though in a more business building aspect.

Bri-co-lage. Noun -something that is made or put together with whatever materials happen to be available


I like this word because firstly it has so much meaning apart from the whole scrapbook concept, like making something out of my life with whatever I have and also because it also means collage like what I have been making and fiddling with all these years making collages.


so what is it about scrapbooking or collages for that matter? well,scrapbooking seems like a much more organized and focused way of pulling together bits and pieces that collectively say something and express something you feel, whether visually or through the words. an embroidery of emotions meant to capture the story behind the photos and preserve the moments forever in your own way.
so i scrap. funny ain't it? the word scrap. conventionally taken to mean remnants or discards or waste material. in this blog and in this world of scrapbooking that i have been dipping my toes into, the word scrap takes on a much more positive quality. you scrap because you want to cherish something; a person, a moment, an event, you scrap because you see that bit of extra-ordinary in that something and in doing so you always come out of it happier and more grateful to have something to scrap about. especially when in the process you let yourself go and let yourself be creative.





and so now, apart from all the things i am, i am a scrapbooker. and i am only loving it more and more. getting to share it with other people on a regular basis, (hopefully, increasingly regular) through the shop i work at, only makes me appreciate it more. thank you for grabbing my hand and leading me to this wonderland. it's a lovely something to share with you...

blog

why is it that i always resist blogging? so many times i say to myself ah i wanna blog bout this or that and then in the end i dont bother. sometimes i think nah who wants to read my boring crap.
like how last sunday i was going to blog about my solitary trip to the market and how the kiam chye man was off having chinese tea with his mates, like some chinese mafia type leading a double life. or how last last friday i stayed back to work at the scrapbook shop til 1030pm and had chapati and crab curry for dinner with bro in little india and came out smelling like bollywood.
or how i went cycling and felt like i could fly with the birds in the wind.
or like how sometimes for no specific reason other than the wearing down of one's spirit, one can suddenly feel so empty and then bounce right back up the very next day with the right amount of positive attention (japanese buffet helps too).
because more often than not nobody really understands so i'd rather keep it all to myself than be misunderstood. the other day i asked sher whether she still keeps a journal and she said no she has a blog. huh. my blog barely contains all the things i wanna pen down. not that ive been keeping in time with my journaling either but with that medium, no one is going to get bored to tears.
perhaps that's why. and probably until i can feel that the line that links me to my readers is not a jagged fray, my blogging will be spasmodic bits of uncontroversial nuances of life.
but now that i've picked up, allow me to say that time is hurtling towards me. christmas is upon us and i'm not ready. usually this season is for me my favourite time of year, it still is but i seem to be too busy to slowly savour it. i have only just today started and finished making my own christmas cards to send out (after making 400 to sell at the xmas bazaar) and if not for that one whirlwind xmas shopping day that fine sunday i would probably be so behind on my present hunting. they're not wrapped yet though. at least i finished mummy's bday card in time.
been hanging with sarah quite a bit. yesterday she says, how come ur so nice today? and i say im always nice to u, you just don't see it. then she says, but you're extra nice today. that girl is growing up so darn fast. sigh.
so i hear there's a borders in the new mall. i am thrilled. not just for me but for the penang reading community at large. can't wait to hit the mall.
a common phrase i often sound out these days is "i feel old". i do man. i probably have grown up a lot this past year...

christmas scrapbook layout

love the papers=)

end of year pinks

pinks as in opposite of blues. the end of the year marks the drawing of a particularly festive season, one i've been getting in the mood for for some time now. AND.. people coming home and people coming to see me. the only joy in parting lies in the hope of being reunited, and the moment of reunion is of sheer excitement. welcome home marie!!!!!!
the reds and greens are becoming more prominent as the christmas bazaar waits around the corner. jingle bells jingle bells. and all the christmas stuff in the shoppe!ooo ahhh.

procrastination

the word itself makes me seem like i'm so lazy but i just have so many things to do. hafta do gotta do should do wanna do wish i could do. in that order more or less.like blog an actual update. or write in my journal. read my james bond book. make francis and sherry's belated bday cards (eep.now they noe i haven't done it yet) email my sometime benefactor about the decision i have made. scrapbook the past couple of months and the big events within them. i whine too much. i didnt know what else to write without diving headfirst into a long drawn out post like about the wedding or christmas cards or my life in general which in general is pretty darn good.
shoutout to my new avid reader. hie. waves. EEEP. just noticed it's 1.20am. gonna be so hard getting outta bed tmr for work.sigh. gotta run.

back on track

tra laa laa.
I have finally left behind my whirlwind limbo-ing through the washing machine of my remnants.
In simple words. I have chosen, I have prayed, I have decided. About the rest of my life. Or okay, the next few years at least. But I have a direction now. It has taken me, my mind, my heart the courage to explore the possibilities of my deepest desires and my unsung fears to finally see what was in front of me all along. It is funny, that it was only when I actively imagined going back to the life I had left behind, the chasm of the bridge I ripped apart, that I realized that wasn’t the mountain I wanted to cross anymore. My train has left that station. Perhaps all I needed was to let go of an unsubstantiated pull. The one we all feel, the natural course of things, the standard by which we all attempt to measure up to.
I am happy.
God is good.
Of course, the path I have chosen ain’t easy. None of the paths are. But God never promised us easy lives, but that he would walk with us every step of the way. And my way is filled with the things I love, the people I adore.
(this is not a 100 word post..who cares?)
anyways… a few special mentions. Sherry, I noe I noe ive been missing im sorry. I’ll make it up to u I still owe you your bday treat. When you see the hundreds of gorgeous Christmas cards I’ve made you’ll understand. As you always do. (thank god)
marie. YAY, UR COMING BACK SO SO SOON. Happie packing=)
minnie!! miss you la. Pout. White Christmas huh? Study hard,k. all best with exams. None for me. gloat.
xi wen. How’s the stocks girl?
Anonymous commenters. Why so secretive. Can’t sleep at nite wondering who’d deign to drop a line.
Ben. Lunch sometime? Good luck for exams soon too.
Everyone else. Big hugs for enduring me and the mess I’ve been. To new beginnings. Again. (clink)
To the one who always always reads my blog. Thank you for your support and love.=)

cinderella for a couple of days. amazed at the filth the maid allowed to fester. thank goodness she's back.
Horrible food poisoning episode. Silver lining…lost weight. Nice and slim now=)
Back from kuantan trip. Good quality time with family, the ones on the other end of the spectrum. Imagining a peaceful wedding after all with all sides of all families (when the time comes of course). My grandma is quite something.
Shopping spree. Ooo ooo. Finally I own levi’s jeans! Not one but TWO. Ok, im pathetic I know. Got a gorgeous vintage belt which brilliant me forgot to check had enough holes to fit my waist.
My sister the teenager. Sigh. I miss baby sarah. And yet I guess it’ll be cool when we can talk as equals almost.
I-mei has not been broke for SOME time indeed. So who says you can’t teach a dog new tricks. Shopaholic under control.hmm, might I get that adorable piggy bank. Perhaps I should seriously go and buy that iskin for my keyboard before my letters disappear.

Haha. Random snippets. Complain no update. Here’s verbal diarrhoea.

tonight's the nite...

Almost every day, right about the time after I knock off work, sometimes later, like on my ride home or just after dinner, I’d think, today will be the day where after my pre-planned activities, I’ll go to my room and do something like write a whole chapter of my book or journal or scrap a whole layout or compose an epic blog post or make some very belated birthday cards. I’d think to myself that even if I start at 12am, I’m young, I have energy, I can do my stuff and still wake up fresh for work tomorrow..rightt

box

i came home. a box waiting for me. it was not the usual parcel. at once i knew who it was from. sarah trots into my room eager to see the contents. But even I’m afraid to know. I subtly shoo her out. Out pops giant funshine. Of care bear fame. What a bundle of sentiments. What a way to churn the wrong sorts of sentiments. Other oddities follow. Amongst my long lost possessions a book from him, “notes to myself, how I struggled to become a person”. Without a note, this is potentially a malicious message and I take offense.

for want of a shoe

i once watched this ridiculous episode of sex and the city. You’ve probably watched it too. If you haven’t, good on you. I was forced to, it was part of the course syllabus for a film and tv module. In the episode, sarah jessica parker’s manolos go missing at a friend’s party. She demands compensation, in fact a new pair of the same shoe. Her logic goes something along the lines of how since she’s single, has no kids, she deserves getting shoes back from this friend of hers, who has along the way gotten wedding gifts and kids’ gifts. go figure.

auntie i-mei

perhaps i will become those ah ee types. Okay let me rephrase that, “domestic goddess”? you know those aunties and grandmas that seem to know how to make nyonya kuih from scratch, “pak” bak chang those yummy seasonal pork dumplings, and bake and whip up all sorts of delicacies. Today I cooked some tomato-ey pork dish that I tried to reproduce from the memory of tasting it, boiled some barley and fried some (pre-made by grandma) curry puffs. Oodles of fun. when I have my own home I intend to try new things to cook,bake and prepare all the time…