do not let yourself be ruled by your heart,for the heart is prone to folly..and folly leads to despair..

be it cursed for one to have a heart which pounds louder than the one alongside it?be it cursed for one to feel more deeply than the other?shame on the first then to wear its heart on its sleeve.or is it so?when beatrice joanna conspired with de flores in "the changeling" to kill off her bethrothed just so she could be with the one she truly loved,alsemero..why is it that it had to be she to take fate and justice into her own hands.could not alsemero in his superior position as man take a more domineering role to prove his proclaimed love?and how is it that beatrice joanna in sacrificing her honour merely to be with the one she loved ends up severely persecuted in her lover's eye.
a friend of mine said that a friend of hers said that,every minute,every hour,every day,every week...every moment..it is always the woman on the losing end.equality still has a long way to go then.is the fairer sex then the weaker sex?weak to let your heart so loose as to feel,weak to let your heart soar and take its own fancies,weak to let it rule you..liv tyler said in the movie"that thing you do".."shame on me for closing my eyes everytime we kissed.."i don't remember the rest but i took it to mean,shame on me that i was so in love and closed my eyes to savour the moment that i didnt see that the feeling wasnt mutual.i remember tearing at that line.
i still hang on to fairytales.to the idea of happily ever after.the prince charming may be elusive though.and so as the fairer sex we are supposed to put on an iron mask,cage our silly fancies to retain any semblance of self respect or self worth...?

"govern your passions before they govern you "..


scorn and mock the very heart
that pines and longs for you
until the day you find yourself
alone and bruised and blue
pining for the very heart that has flitted off elsewhere
to pastures greener than the one which simply didnt care
scoff and dismiss the very one
who cared and gave her all
until the day you look around
and see there's no one when you fall
no loving arms to pick you up and wash away the pain
you lay amongst ur useless treasures underneath the rain

.............

i just don't know what to write or how to write.all that swirls within me and drags my heart to its pits flow not in words.articulation fails me...till a brighter day..

2005

each second you can be reborn,
each second there can be a new beginning,
it is choice
it is your choice...

you are everything that is,
your thoughts,
your life,
your dreams come true,
you are everything you choose to be.
you are as unlimited as the endless universe.

my theme for 2005.

aftershock

when i woke up on sunday,my bed was shaking.my room door trembled so loudly i thought someone was knocking on the door.i kept saying "come in".turns out it was because of an earthquake in indonesia.that morning more than my physical surroundings were shaken.my results were released hours after the quake,the results of my 1st semester at NUS.and it was quite earth shattering as well.i got way below the minimum CAP required for an Asean scholar such as I.i knew I had done less than my best this semester but didn’t expect to do that badly.it was a wake up call and strangely enough,I thank God for it.

there have been countless times in my life when things don’t go my way just so I’d wake up,look up and realize that I cannot do anything on my own.there’s a verse in the Bible that says,”apart from me you can do nothing”.and it is when I take things into my own hands where things get messed up.this was my dream.getting a scholarship to NUS,going off to study on my own to somewhere fun like Singapore.and i basically blew it.i took off and tried to fly but I didn’t soar.and now I will spend my next 7 semesters(if I truly pull it off next sem by amazingly pulling up my CAP to keep the scholarship) slogging my ass off and truly making myself deserve the scholarship and the chance to live my dreams.

The tragedy of yesterday’s earthquake and the tidal waves further augmented my trauma.in some way.and the aftershock has barely begun to leave its effects.already I have been feeling so very isolated from myself,listless and inwardly berating myself.the task at hand of drastically catapulting my grades out of the abyss only reminds me how foolishly I’ve thrown my chances away and how very different things could have been.
should have been..

”forgetting what is behind,straining towards what is ahead..” and now,humility is a lesson along with a host of others.

a song which spoke to me.part of it..

“…own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mould me
with your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me

oh you call me daughter
and you take my blame
and you run to meet me
when i cry out your name
so i fall before you in all of my shame
Lord i am willing to be changed

own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mould me
by your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me..”

and taking the lens into a bigger focus,i pray for the families of those tragically affected by the quake and tsunamis.for peace that passes all understanding and comfort in their hour of need..

my life in a song...?

One day I’ll fly away

I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin
To live again?

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your Love do for me?
When will Love be through with me?

Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Fly, fly away

All I wanted…

(written at 4.15pm,13 December 2004,at KLIA

All I wanted was to go home..after a harrowing,hectic first semester at NUS,at raffles,despite always being kept busy by hall activities,etc,etc,I longed for the warmth of home.and so I there I was all packed and ready.woke up at 6am to get ready to make the virgin trek from Singapore to senai airport in johor.thankfully I had someone to heave my giant luggage onto and off mrts,buses and through the causeways.i so wanted to take a taxi but thought I’d do my bit and save money.and so on and off buses and winding through throngs of people and finally the final bus to senai airport.this last bus seemed to take forever to get the show on the road.my flight was at 10.35am…air asia flight.by 10am,me still on the snail bus I was getting antsy..

Super optimistic me had a severe blow when I reached senai airport at 10.25am and flung myself out of the bus and ran towards the check in counter..(thankfully I had someone to handle my loads of luggage) only to see a closed sign.turns out the whole plane has been boarded and they weren’t gonna let me on..THE INJUSTICE!!tears started slowly rolling down my cheeks as I pleaded with the dude.to no avail.moreover it being air asia…the ticket fare was forfeited.i had blown the fare in efforts to “save money” by not taking a cab.it wasn’t just the money.i just wanted to go home and have everything sail on as planned.you know how I hate hate hate things that I already “planned” or “look forward to” to be messed up.more than anything I didn’t know how to tell my mum.i was so mad.mad at myself,mad at my companion (sorry!and thanks for helping me anyway),mad at air asia..just mad..and upset!!

The thing bout me is I don’t stay mad for long..so it just melts into sadness..almost depression.so,after finally calling my mummy,and sorting things out(she yelled obviously.and my dad yelled in the background),finally got an open MAS ticket which is not a direct flight to penang.got on the 12.10 flight to kl.was already so exhausted from everything.after waiting for rather long at baggage claim in KLIA,lo and behold the unimaginable happens.my bag is not there.mind you this is THE “giant luggage” that was lugged aroung agonizingly from my room on the third floor of raffles hall to the ground floor ,to the bus stop,to the bus,off the bus,to the mrt station,to the mrt,off the mrt to the next mrt,to the next bus stop,to the bus,to the causeway,back to the bus,to the next causeway,onto another bus,off the bus,to the bus terminal,to the next bus and finally to the airport…u get the picture?this is THE 26kg bag which contains ALL the Christmas presents I splurged on for my family including the supremely extravagant prezzies my bro and I are sharing for my parents.THE bag which also contains my most favoured articles of clothing,etc etc etc.I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!!and here unlike in johor I was alone and didn’t know how long I could be stoic,how long I could pretend to be strong and not let my face crumple.so,I approached th ebaggage idiots and after not that much walkie-talkie-ing,they tell me to report it since they can’t locate the damn thing.mind you at this point I don’t even have a flight back to penang from kl..like I have time for this!!!like I have strength for this.!!
(to be continued…)

written at 6.10pm,13 December 2004 at gate B5,KLIA

sigh.where was I?ahh yes,to cut a longggggggg story short.they still couldn’t locate my bag.so,filed a report and went to try get my flight to penang with the hope that my handphone will ring at any moment for them to tell me they found my bag.was put on standby for the 3.40 flight and i had just missed the 1.55pm flight being stuck in the baggage lost and found office for so blinking long.sooo,gastric struck.just felt soo aaarrrggghhhh!!!decided to eat lunch.had fried meehoon and fried egg for RM9!!!actually it was RM9.45 but I didn’t have more than 9 ringgit on me..after all I had to pay RM286 for my blinking MAS plane ticket which I bought last minute.but the cashier was nice enough to let me just pay the RM9..cool huh.in the midst of my day’s disappointments I was glad that there were still nice people in the world to make me smile.another example of the good still left in the world was when i landed and was trying to make my way off the plane with my large tote bag,laptop bag and giant carry on bag.the gentleman behind me not only helped me carry the said giant carry on bag from the overhead compartment but he also carried it all the way through the narrow corridor and off the plane.=)….etc etc etc.so on and so forth….

To be continued

18 december 2004,12.47am


well,didn’t have time to finish up my loonnggg reenactment of my little adventure,so it may lose some of its original emotion and pizzazz now that I’m looking at it in retrospect.i always hold true to the quotation that …”this too will pass” and thankfully it did pass.after all there are always new things for me to be upset about and for my folks to be upset about me about thus amplifying my own being upset..thankfully I got back my bag.THE bag.it flew to kl from johor at 5pm that day.and after reclaiming it I got onto the 6.40pm flight back to penang.yay.braced myself for a major shelling.

never never land...

today i saw a little girl through the mrt doors and smiled at her.after 2 seconds...she smiled back=).my heart beamed.see ,with children its possible to generate such a reaction,smile at an"adult' on the mrt and you'll get stared down,no response or both.the other day i was at toys 'r' us,shopping for my sister sarah's christmas present and thought about the not too distant future when she would outgrow toys and the realm of wonder and magic it leads us to.as i skimmed through the aisles i remembered my fascination with the giant toystore when i was a kid.heck,i still get excited going there=p.i saw a girl there,short plain hair,spectacles almost half the size of her face...reminded me a lot of me...when i was young.as she stared intently at the array of toys in front of her i contemplated saying hi to her and asking her which particular toy she liked.i was afraid she'd start screaming and call for her parents.how i yearn for the days when my biggest worry was which of my coveted toys i'd get for christmas.

children are truly wonderful,magical creatures filled with potentiality and innocence,like a clean notebook or journal just waiting to have their pages filled.i miss my little sister,who isn't so little anymore.gosh,she'll be 12 in february just as i'll be 21 in march.i shall miss my childhood and always try to retain childlike ness to some extent,..being uninhibited in expression,always eager and excited about something close to their heart,inquisitive..and full of imagination..free from the constraints and confines of what is now drilled into us as rules and the code of conduct..whatever is deemed acceptable by society norms etc etc..i remember the toys "r" us song when i was young..i dont wanna grow up ,i just wanna be a kid..well,at the time i was like..are u kidding???i WANT to grow up and grow my wings and be free to fly and soar..now i look back somewhat wistfully..

i shall continue to smile at children and even strike conversations with them.just to glean some magic from their whirring childlike minds..=)

dance,soccer and the in- betweens

the thing that troubles me the most is why i have taken so long to update my blog.despite so many many thoughts swirling round my mind and despite being on holiday.so much to do.ahh well,exams ended on the 27th of nov for me and straightaway i went off to hang with my family who were in town.really had fun with them despite some unwanted lectures.but this being the blog in which i dont directly delve into my innermost thoughts and emotions,i shant go into that.anyways,as soon as my family went home,i've been busy with dance camp,dance practices and soccer training and moving room.not to mention chilling out and enjoying hols=) and cooking=).goin home in 5 days time.

i do love to dance.not that good at it though i realize=p.sigh.think i prefer singing to dancing.and ooh soccer!yes,i absolutely enjoy soccer.sigh.my writing has gone down the drain.you see why i've been avoiding updating my blog???!!anyways,...aaarrgghh.what to say??well,i have soccer early tmr,shall attempt more next time=p

im not a 2!i'm a 5!!!

You Are the Helper

2 You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you. You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know. Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere. You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.

What number are you?

or am i standing still..?

have you ever had the feeling when your mind along with evrything else around you tells you something,tries to shove you towards a general direction,a particular action..the air is pregnant with the reminder,coaxing you..,the season is just right..in fact the sands of time swiftly glide through your very fingers,as if that wasnt enough ,the hands of the clock tick increasingly loudly,its rhythm fast blending into a loud blare in your head,encroaching into the very recesses of your mind and...all you seem to be doing about it is .....
absolutely nothing.i mean the time and thought spent on the looming fear greatly outweighs the actual time doing something about it.

it makes me wonder.have i deceived myself into thinking that i have always been focused,and self-motivated,unconsciously driven by the need and desire to capitalize on whatever skills and gifts i believe myself to possess.or does fear and the possiblity of letting myself down further induce complacency..and numbness to an extent.sigh.so many things make me wonder these days.its like im taking stock of some of the things that i have subscribed to all this while and questioning the basis of it all.

all i know is..that im not so sure what i know anymore.sigh.who am i?am i still me?of course i am,right.i've always been sure of who i am.or have i?and does having always been something denote continuing to always be that.no question,no doubt,no uncertainty?and do question actually guarantee answers,.after all you can't know the answers till you learn to question..right?well,i think so.

somehow i always manage to pick up momentum and take flight and soar,not because of me..but because of God.but surrender without the act of giving up control is nothing.so,time passes.pages flip,exam papers are probably being printed.i refuse to be stagnant,i refuse to be complacent.but please oh please,..will the rest of me comply and stop standing still...

my blogging personality..

I took the Blogging Personality Quiz at About Web logs and I am...

The Writer
Words captivate me. And, I like to capture words. Blogging enables me to write often. It also provides a place for me to share what I write with a reading public. I can be funny, inspiring, intelligent, cynical, or morbid. It doesn't matter what I write about in my blog. It only matters that I write.

sunrays and raindrops...

riight.so i owe it to myself to post something decent after that string of mindless quizilla results.i don't even know why i bother.since my teenage years when i used to so look forward to reading seventeen or cosmogirl and take the silly quizzes i realized that i dun quite fit into any sub divided category of anything.the complete,complexity of who i am and who i strive to be cannot be captured by a few random responses to a few random questions.i mean,stereotypes just don't slide onto me that easily.i can be the epitome of sunrays one minute and raindrops the next.

i dunno if that reflects inconsistency,i just think that i can be contradictory to what people think of me initially.and i encapsulate various elements and aspects.my itunes library in itself says as much.not to mention my book collection(which by the way has dwindled after my sorting and packing to come to singapore)my music library ranges from clay aiken and josh groban to mandy moore and natalie cole to linkin park and brian mcknight and jim brickman.ahh well,then again i guess loads of ppl ascribe to having wide and varied musical tastes.what i am trying to say is..what is it i am trying to say anyway?hee.maybe when i have time enough i will write a comprehensive report on myself as i know it instead of letting a few quizzes dictate what "element" i am and what kind of girl i am.bah.

anyways,my exams are looming nearer and nearer and..gasp.been sleeping more than i should in order to study like crazy.i refuse to say "mug".which apparently is the term that everyone in sg or NUS at least uses."mug mug mug"sheesh.not that i never knew what it meant but still when everyone says it in that manner it just becomes so..oh well.for me..i need to "STUDY".not mug.;) .as i told my mummy on the phone..(yes,i admitted it=p)i'm so not used to the way things are done here..the continuous assessment stuff with all the projects and essays which i take forever to do and end up with miserable "C's".aaarghh.i've always been the kind who can chalk up incredible study sessions like a month or less before exams to make up for the last like few months...but now consistency is imperative!!!!i sincerely vow to at least get the hang of it if not master this new methods by next semester.

my folks are coming right at the end of my finals.shall see them right after exams.even more to look forward too...sigh.i just wish i can get back all the steam i normally have to piah (piah is like a hokkien cooler version of "mug"=p) like crazee till then.can't wait to show my mum and dad and sister glimpses of my life and environment here.hope they don't get a shock.nothing shocking what right?this is uni life.i'm sure they do know what it's like.oh gosh...in less than 4 months i will be turning 21!!yipes.time flies.if there's one thing i've learnt more so than anything else,it's that the quotation "this too will pass" can be really helpful if you really grasp the esssence of it and ascribe to it.melodramatic me has many a time been thwarted by the looming obstacle right in front of me,seemingly holding me back from any semblance of peace and happiness and then time and God resolves it (along with other factors).days,weeks,months,years later you look back in retrospect realizing that it did pass and you've emerged stronger,wiser,and hopefully better..

pierce through every shade of darkness
sunshine through sunrays
blistering brightness
blinding brilliance

cast the storm aside
away
not even for another day
unless to cleanse
wash
refresh

melt every last tear
dry the rain
absorb the pain

sunrays without rain
yet another bane
no reprieve
no relief

raindrops without sun
drenches everyone
no warmth
all gloom


pattern is as such
embrace it as much
sunrays
and raindrops

what type of art are u?

Impressionist! Monet, Manet, Cezanne, oh my! You
appreciate light and color, and you feel a need
to express yourself and the world around you
very vividly yet individually. You are like no
one else!


WHAT TYPE OF ART ARE YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla


okie okie.last one for now..

what form of art are u?

You are Poetry.
You are often the most emotional of the arts. You
are introverted, in that you tend to let people
come to you rather than trying to get their
attention. You get along well with Music and
Literature.


What form of art are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

introvert???me???hahahahahahahahahahah

riight...ermm..i dun quite agree!

F:

Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.
You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even your
appearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may look
innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the same
time. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit of
everything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost a
different person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you know
exactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. You
enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable you
are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, Light
Tones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:
Half-smile

Gemstone:
Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Sign:
Gemini Planet: Mars Hair Color: Red
Eye Color:
Brown

Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

which literature classic are u?

Shakespeare: Sonnets. Everyone has heard of you,
and almost everybody can find something
touching in you. You are calm and control
yourself, even though your wisdom and your
messages are no lesser than those of others.


Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

what is my inner age..?;p

20's You are thinking more clearly than most
people... you can see the real world as it is,
you don't live in this fantasy place anymore
but you are not very mature, you are just fine,
perfect! :)


. What is you inner age?
brought to you by Quizilla

in the midst of voiceless whispers..

chatter builds up in endless circles all around me as i sit in my own world in the arts canteen.defiantly refusing to type with capitals.why is it that i avoid direct,honest prose sometimes.perhaps i don't want my blog to sound so hello kitty -diary-ish.dear diary,today i did this,went here,saw that,etc etc..and though i consider myself one who puts my whole self out there in open vulnerability,i still have a need to cling to a certain sheen of hidden truth.a distilled reflection of my actual thoughts.

anyways,my contemplation was interrupted by the arrival of my dear friend wooi min whom i had been waiting for.and we had lunch.and now we're in the lecture theatre.awaiting the final lecture before we break and are left to our own desperate attempts to grasp the historical significance of asia an dthe modern world.

more abstract thoughts next time....=)

someone who'll watch over me..?

the shine in your eyes
incandescent
the window through which your essence
shows itself
in all its beauty

a million shades of brilliance
a thousand hues of goodness
earnest in being true
to self

resplendent
in the comfort of being
you

you
who art so much
and yet projects such modesty

you
who gives so much
and yet remains a reservoir
brimming with substance

you
who glides
to the beat of your own heart
the rhythm of your soul

you
who frames
your stance distinct
among any other

you
who hypnotizes
mesmerises
endears



you
who will always be
more than just

you


(on a poetic rampage..in the midst of attempting to dissect the poetry of other poets..was inspired)

things to study..finals start 19 nov..

okay,i'm gearing towards a more unconventional,dynamic blog.forget the fact that i can't get my photos here which frustrates me..immensely.because i love photos.well,shall work on that.anyways,these other snippets apart from the usual musings i hope will serve to add dimension to my blog and capture more of me in it..

Topics to study(2004/2005-sem 1)

EL1101E (19 nov,9am/60%)
1) Language
2) Linguistics:the language of language
3) Language and languages
4) Words and word parts
5) Wordbuilding
6) Human speech sounds
7) The grammar of sounds
8) The grammar of sentences:slots and phrases
9) The grammar of sentences:slots and functions
10) The grammar of meanings
11) Meanings in action
12) Language and speakers

looks like fun huh?well...should be.but it ain't really "english" its verrry technical and complicating.sigh.the science of linguistics..etc etc


IF1101E(20 nov,1pm/55%)
1) Intro
2) What is the information society
3) A brand new world today
4) Cultural aspects of icts
5) Education and ICTs
6) ICTs,work and business organisations
7) A new/informational.knowledge based economy
8) Globalization
9) Inequalities in the new information age
10) Politics in cyberspace
11) Tensions in the information age
12) Ethics and communications

rubbish!cyberspace nonsense?me?sigh...

EN2101E_1(23 nov,1pm/40%)

1) Pramoedya ananta toer, it’s not an all night fair (psychoanalysis)
2) Eugene ionesco ..rhinoceros (Marxism)
3) Tom Stoppard..the real inspector hound (deconstruction)
4) Doris lessing …the fifth child..(feminism)
5) Thom gunn..the man in night sweats
6) Edwin thumboo…A third map

ahh..more my speed.or so i thought!til the alarming C+.ahh well,keep on keeping on..


HY1101E (27 nov,9am/60%)

1) Intro/worldwide traditions and interactions
2) Emergence of the modern nation state
3) Age of exploration/”old” imperialism in Asia
4) The enlightenment & industrial revolution and “-isms”
5) “New” imperialism in Asia
6) Clothing ,modernity and Identity
7) The world wars
8) Nationalism and the emergence of new nations
9) The Cold war
10) Asia since 1945
11) Globalization(1)
12) Globalization(2)

riight.history.used to be fun.not so much so anymore..


EC1101E (27 nov,1pm/60%)

1) The central ideas of economics
2) The demand and supply model and market equilibrium
3) Consumer choice
4) Production decisions and firms in competitive markets
5) Firms under imperfect competition and strategic behaviors
6) Public goods,externality and government behaviour
7) Intro to macroeconomics
8) Inflation and employment
9) The theory of economic fluctuations
10) The aggregate demand curve and monetary policy
11) The inflation adjustment line and fiscal policy
12) Open economy macroeconomics

okay,im banking on my previous 4 years econs background.which will be useful after i've translated it all=p

ah hah.so,that's my study list.where am i now?well,,im working on my lit essay..so,its kinda taking a backseat for now ...sigh..aargh..sigh..haih..oh well..God give me strength..!