own me..again

Own Me

Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live
many are left half read, covered by the cobwebs on my shelf
and i got a list of laws growing longer everyday
and if i keep plugin away
maybe one day i will perfect myself
oh but all of my labor
seems to be in vain
and all of my laws just cause me more pain
so i fall before you with all of my shame
ready and willing to be changed

own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mold me
with your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me

oh you call me daughter
and you take my blame
and you run to meet me
when i cry out your name
so i fall before you in all of my shame
Lord i am willing to be changed

own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mold me
by your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me

oh what a song

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
And climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when your shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
Where people 're saying,
"My God that's tough, she stood him up!
No point in us remaining.
May as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Now looking back over the years,
And what ever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to have cried the tears
And at sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand, why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart
So badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

maybe

maybe i should read all my journals and blog posts and diaries. and when im done i should read all the letters i have. and then maybe the cards. and then maybe after that i'll remember who i am or who i used to be or who i was supposed to be. or maybe it'll be gutwrenching stink. or maybe it'll reduce me to the mouse who stole the cheese and couldn't fit it throught the mousehole. or maybe i'll just cry and cry til the cows come home and get milked and then go out to graze again. maybe it might be good to face myself again. last dec 27 was just as bad okay it was probably worse. who's the pot and who's the kettle.

perhaps today

perhaps today
today i'll have the guts to say what i really mean what i really feel
but every day i've been doing that
a little too much and at the wrong time
so today i got what i deserved
i don't suppose now's a good time to ask
can i take a trip to watch phantom and then some
so much for that
looks like i wont get to book in advance after all
you see why i didnt wanna get all excited and stuff
so now the jam's outta my doughnut
you could say
perhaps today
but no now it's for real
no degree what can i be if i'm out on the streets
and i hate the t accounts the banks might bore me to tears
even at pen ads they shunned me
i wonder why
to this day i wonder
no car to be some marketing fluff
some sales trainee pulling a bluff
and after all it is penang
and i am picky and how will i even get there by 9am?
take a bus unless its in town beg a ride from the bro
and how will i sever the ties that bind
oh wait they've done it for me
but thats the farm i want
gimme the pigs gimme the hay
scrap i want most but oh what the hey
perhaps today
a break might be good
if only i had peace of mind
a piece of my mind
is shorn torn forlorn
perhaps today a break will be good
if it weren't here perhaps
cause a break right here only feels broken
so much for that
perhaps they're hiring at that new mall
gawd knows they need better banners
but its almost an island away well half at least
perhaps i should stop thinking and sleep til new york brings you home
and i stop spilling my guts

tis the season to be jolly

christmas cards all lined up. these were all sold though, sorry my cards to you folks don't look like these=(.

bricolage

so i posted this some months back on my scrap blog. which has been collecting dust. surprise surprise.. just thought i'd share it with you guys. this is what i've been up to more or less though in a more business building aspect.

Bri-co-lage. Noun -something that is made or put together with whatever materials happen to be available


I like this word because firstly it has so much meaning apart from the whole scrapbook concept, like making something out of my life with whatever I have and also because it also means collage like what I have been making and fiddling with all these years making collages.


so what is it about scrapbooking or collages for that matter? well,scrapbooking seems like a much more organized and focused way of pulling together bits and pieces that collectively say something and express something you feel, whether visually or through the words. an embroidery of emotions meant to capture the story behind the photos and preserve the moments forever in your own way.
so i scrap. funny ain't it? the word scrap. conventionally taken to mean remnants or discards or waste material. in this blog and in this world of scrapbooking that i have been dipping my toes into, the word scrap takes on a much more positive quality. you scrap because you want to cherish something; a person, a moment, an event, you scrap because you see that bit of extra-ordinary in that something and in doing so you always come out of it happier and more grateful to have something to scrap about. especially when in the process you let yourself go and let yourself be creative.





and so now, apart from all the things i am, i am a scrapbooker. and i am only loving it more and more. getting to share it with other people on a regular basis, (hopefully, increasingly regular) through the shop i work at, only makes me appreciate it more. thank you for grabbing my hand and leading me to this wonderland. it's a lovely something to share with you...

blog

why is it that i always resist blogging? so many times i say to myself ah i wanna blog bout this or that and then in the end i dont bother. sometimes i think nah who wants to read my boring crap.
like how last sunday i was going to blog about my solitary trip to the market and how the kiam chye man was off having chinese tea with his mates, like some chinese mafia type leading a double life. or how last last friday i stayed back to work at the scrapbook shop til 1030pm and had chapati and crab curry for dinner with bro in little india and came out smelling like bollywood.
or how i went cycling and felt like i could fly with the birds in the wind.
or like how sometimes for no specific reason other than the wearing down of one's spirit, one can suddenly feel so empty and then bounce right back up the very next day with the right amount of positive attention (japanese buffet helps too).
because more often than not nobody really understands so i'd rather keep it all to myself than be misunderstood. the other day i asked sher whether she still keeps a journal and she said no she has a blog. huh. my blog barely contains all the things i wanna pen down. not that ive been keeping in time with my journaling either but with that medium, no one is going to get bored to tears.
perhaps that's why. and probably until i can feel that the line that links me to my readers is not a jagged fray, my blogging will be spasmodic bits of uncontroversial nuances of life.
but now that i've picked up, allow me to say that time is hurtling towards me. christmas is upon us and i'm not ready. usually this season is for me my favourite time of year, it still is but i seem to be too busy to slowly savour it. i have only just today started and finished making my own christmas cards to send out (after making 400 to sell at the xmas bazaar) and if not for that one whirlwind xmas shopping day that fine sunday i would probably be so behind on my present hunting. they're not wrapped yet though. at least i finished mummy's bday card in time.
been hanging with sarah quite a bit. yesterday she says, how come ur so nice today? and i say im always nice to u, you just don't see it. then she says, but you're extra nice today. that girl is growing up so darn fast. sigh.
so i hear there's a borders in the new mall. i am thrilled. not just for me but for the penang reading community at large. can't wait to hit the mall.
a common phrase i often sound out these days is "i feel old". i do man. i probably have grown up a lot this past year...

christmas scrapbook layout

love the papers=)

end of year pinks

pinks as in opposite of blues. the end of the year marks the drawing of a particularly festive season, one i've been getting in the mood for for some time now. AND.. people coming home and people coming to see me. the only joy in parting lies in the hope of being reunited, and the moment of reunion is of sheer excitement. welcome home marie!!!!!!
the reds and greens are becoming more prominent as the christmas bazaar waits around the corner. jingle bells jingle bells. and all the christmas stuff in the shoppe!ooo ahhh.

procrastination

the word itself makes me seem like i'm so lazy but i just have so many things to do. hafta do gotta do should do wanna do wish i could do. in that order more or less.like blog an actual update. or write in my journal. read my james bond book. make francis and sherry's belated bday cards (eep.now they noe i haven't done it yet) email my sometime benefactor about the decision i have made. scrapbook the past couple of months and the big events within them. i whine too much. i didnt know what else to write without diving headfirst into a long drawn out post like about the wedding or christmas cards or my life in general which in general is pretty darn good.
shoutout to my new avid reader. hie. waves. EEEP. just noticed it's 1.20am. gonna be so hard getting outta bed tmr for work.sigh. gotta run.

back on track

tra laa laa.
I have finally left behind my whirlwind limbo-ing through the washing machine of my remnants.
In simple words. I have chosen, I have prayed, I have decided. About the rest of my life. Or okay, the next few years at least. But I have a direction now. It has taken me, my mind, my heart the courage to explore the possibilities of my deepest desires and my unsung fears to finally see what was in front of me all along. It is funny, that it was only when I actively imagined going back to the life I had left behind, the chasm of the bridge I ripped apart, that I realized that wasn’t the mountain I wanted to cross anymore. My train has left that station. Perhaps all I needed was to let go of an unsubstantiated pull. The one we all feel, the natural course of things, the standard by which we all attempt to measure up to.
I am happy.
God is good.
Of course, the path I have chosen ain’t easy. None of the paths are. But God never promised us easy lives, but that he would walk with us every step of the way. And my way is filled with the things I love, the people I adore.
(this is not a 100 word post..who cares?)
anyways… a few special mentions. Sherry, I noe I noe ive been missing im sorry. I’ll make it up to u I still owe you your bday treat. When you see the hundreds of gorgeous Christmas cards I’ve made you’ll understand. As you always do. (thank god)
marie. YAY, UR COMING BACK SO SO SOON. Happie packing=)
minnie!! miss you la. Pout. White Christmas huh? Study hard,k. all best with exams. None for me. gloat.
xi wen. How’s the stocks girl?
Anonymous commenters. Why so secretive. Can’t sleep at nite wondering who’d deign to drop a line.
Ben. Lunch sometime? Good luck for exams soon too.
Everyone else. Big hugs for enduring me and the mess I’ve been. To new beginnings. Again. (clink)
To the one who always always reads my blog. Thank you for your support and love.=)

cinderella for a couple of days. amazed at the filth the maid allowed to fester. thank goodness she's back.
Horrible food poisoning episode. Silver lining…lost weight. Nice and slim now=)
Back from kuantan trip. Good quality time with family, the ones on the other end of the spectrum. Imagining a peaceful wedding after all with all sides of all families (when the time comes of course). My grandma is quite something.
Shopping spree. Ooo ooo. Finally I own levi’s jeans! Not one but TWO. Ok, im pathetic I know. Got a gorgeous vintage belt which brilliant me forgot to check had enough holes to fit my waist.
My sister the teenager. Sigh. I miss baby sarah. And yet I guess it’ll be cool when we can talk as equals almost.
I-mei has not been broke for SOME time indeed. So who says you can’t teach a dog new tricks. Shopaholic under control.hmm, might I get that adorable piggy bank. Perhaps I should seriously go and buy that iskin for my keyboard before my letters disappear.

Haha. Random snippets. Complain no update. Here’s verbal diarrhoea.

tonight's the nite...

Almost every day, right about the time after I knock off work, sometimes later, like on my ride home or just after dinner, I’d think, today will be the day where after my pre-planned activities, I’ll go to my room and do something like write a whole chapter of my book or journal or scrap a whole layout or compose an epic blog post or make some very belated birthday cards. I’d think to myself that even if I start at 12am, I’m young, I have energy, I can do my stuff and still wake up fresh for work tomorrow..rightt

box

i came home. a box waiting for me. it was not the usual parcel. at once i knew who it was from. sarah trots into my room eager to see the contents. But even I’m afraid to know. I subtly shoo her out. Out pops giant funshine. Of care bear fame. What a bundle of sentiments. What a way to churn the wrong sorts of sentiments. Other oddities follow. Amongst my long lost possessions a book from him, “notes to myself, how I struggled to become a person”. Without a note, this is potentially a malicious message and I take offense.

for want of a shoe

i once watched this ridiculous episode of sex and the city. You’ve probably watched it too. If you haven’t, good on you. I was forced to, it was part of the course syllabus for a film and tv module. In the episode, sarah jessica parker’s manolos go missing at a friend’s party. She demands compensation, in fact a new pair of the same shoe. Her logic goes something along the lines of how since she’s single, has no kids, she deserves getting shoes back from this friend of hers, who has along the way gotten wedding gifts and kids’ gifts. go figure.

auntie i-mei

perhaps i will become those ah ee types. Okay let me rephrase that, “domestic goddess”? you know those aunties and grandmas that seem to know how to make nyonya kuih from scratch, “pak” bak chang those yummy seasonal pork dumplings, and bake and whip up all sorts of delicacies. Today I cooked some tomato-ey pork dish that I tried to reproduce from the memory of tasting it, boiled some barley and fried some (pre-made by grandma) curry puffs. Oodles of fun. when I have my own home I intend to try new things to cook,bake and prepare all the time…

what it takes

cry me a river
fly me to the moon
when that is said and done
it'll be all too soon
walk a mile in my new shoes
pointing me ahead
I’ve got the purples I’ve got the blues
On my head they tread
Soul is heavy jazzed up life
Is spinning me around
Twirl till I pick my spot
All I have is me I found
Me myself my plucky I
Me you think I’m sucky
Why I’ll have you know I’ll spring right up
I’m more than just a yappy pup
somewhere I know I’ve got what it takes

just next to the blues

'Have you got any soul?’ a woman asks the next afternoon. That depends, I feel like saying; some days yes, some days no. A few days ago I was right out; now I’ve got loads, too much, more than I can handle. I wish I could spread it a bit more evenly, I want to tell her, get a little balance, but I can’t seem to get it sorted. I can see she wouldn’t be interested in my internal stock control problems though, so I simply point to where I keep the soul I have, right by the exit, just next to the blues.

this excerpt is from nick hornby's high fidelity. it is greatly amusing, poignant, and genius all at once. The narrator here owns a record shop and is in the middle of woman initiated emotional turmoil, the kind men choose to shrug off and accept nonchalantly, or at least pretend too. Hence the remarkable ambiguity and duality of reference to soul. But I’m overstating. The thing about a paragraph like this is it speaks to you in your own mother tongue, it takes its own significance according to your baggage, your internal set-up, your history,or simply your fascination with words …

blah

Once you’ve gone of the path of the straight and narrow it is difficult to get back, in my case after being disheartened about writing,and not keeping up with my daily blogging, it gets increasingly difficult to pick up where I left off. So here I am, 10 days after my last post. No one has asked me why I didn’t blog, no one has asked me to blog. Along the way, things cropped up, and I lacked the much needed encouragement to blog again, if even in the form of “when are you gonna update?”no following. Yet I persist.

ink

Unfurl from within the seams
Carve something from the broken dreams
Lush intent grappling against past’s dent
An eddy of lost hopes and winter’s lament
Mask my imperfection my empty claims
Glaze upon the page the same
Blank except for nitty nothings
Unwitty somethings grasped for
Slighted I row on without my oar
Hitch up my wings maybe I’ll soar
Perchance I’ll collide into a wild boar
Emboldened by chastened ash
Pull out a needle stitch up the gash
I will yet whip soufflé from leftover mash
Pour in the substance flatten the fluff
Austen will have the last laugh

we interrupt this programme to ..whine

ahem. nobody comments on my blog. isit that boring? or do people not even visit. shrugs. sigh. oh well...

a solitary drive

isn't it simply liberating? simply gunning your engine and shifting into gear, you step on the accelerator and off you go, you’re going places. Screw the traffic, shut it all out, imagine a classical symphony playing and the cars around you will surely slow down, at least to you it’ll seem so. Even if you turn on the radio, whoever it is miles away, you’re alone with yourself. Sing if you like, funny how you seem to know the lyrics to the most ridiculous songs. Sing your heart out and your journey home or wherever it is will be novel…

neo-existentialism?

The mere idea that everything exists in its form the way we know it in its particular set of atoms arranged in its particular embodiment and how fragile this balance is, is rather mind boggling. Me, i've never been the sort to question the intricacies of time and space, separate dimensions or parallel planes of occurrences, or how biomolecular structures are easily tinkered with, with the right motive, like how in “the triangle” the navy experimented with making ships invisible. Intriguing indeed, but way beyond my analytical, deductive capacity. Perhaps I’m too simple that way, I’m too accepting and naïve…

p/s watch the trailer for the triangle here..you can still catch it on astro this month on star movies. it's really good.

if only

today my colleague came up to me, spread a newspaper page on the hood of one of the cars in the showroom then took out his almost identical lottery ticket. he missed the million dollar jackpot by 32 tickets. seemed like a random number though, unlikely that he would’ve picked the winning 6 (or isit 7 ) digit number. He’s upset though to be so close..yet..Got me thinking, what if I had a million dollars. Well, I’d finish up my degree in nus, and invest bout 100k, the rest I’d give my folks for business or whatever else they want..

updated

finally updated my post bout my round island trip ..here

my sunday's fading awayyy

for some reason i'm not in a literary mood today. i wasn't even in a scrapping mood til sarah came to me looking all bored and i knew i couldn't just let her do her own thing on a sunday night folks not being in and all, so we got to scrapping. and when it was time to clear up i felt like i wanted to go on. So today I’ve been in a lazy couch potato mood. Sundays are too short I tell ya. Sarah’s bunking in my room tonight and she’s interrupting my train of thought so bye..

and the social life continues..

how thrilling. i had yet another social event today. close friend back in kl for the weekend, social butterfly me drove home after work changed and went out again. another old classmate joined us and we had a lovely time just yakking and teasing each other and making each other laugh until our stomachs hurt. It is exciting seeing your old friends grow up, the transition from going to school together and then now exchanging business cards and these are those that you can easily connect with again even after being somewhat out of their lives for a short while…

my sarah

on Tuesday I hung out with my sister, sarah. She’s my baby sister but she’s getting TALL. I don’t doubt that soon she’ll be my height or taller. Thing is she’s 9 years younger than me. I love her to bits, I always have. The other day my brother said, “one day when she’s all grown up she’s gonna appreciate all that you do for her, even the nagging and the tuition,” (that she absolutely dreads). I don’t need her to appreciate me I just really hope she knows that I do all that I do because i LOVE her.

main course bagan, dessert batu ferringhi, torrential downpour on the house

this may sound sad but i don't have much of a social life. sometimes even when i'm free to go out meet friends i either don't really wanna spend money(me! backlash from too much spending in singapore and having to earn it now) or cherish my free time too much i'd rather do all the things i always wanna do, like read, write, blog, scrap, hang with sister, hang with folks, etc, or sometimes i think i shouldn't go out so i'm at home in case I’m needed or my friends all away. But tonight, I have plans=)

waves upon the shore..

And all you are is everything I was
more for I was mere shadow
A mimic of what was thought agreeable
A mask a mash of all that’s feeble
And now I gaze from height so low
Gallows shallow mellow hollow
Melt your discontent stir it up with rage
Take it with a year or two til the memories age
Postlude will bask the remnants the husk will fell away
The seed of what was good and true might dance along in May
Your fleeting avatar might haunt me still no more
And yet rise like waves upon the shore..

M is for mei and a host of other words...

May I make my monogram more memorable by mentioning it more than me and mine might deem a must, if only as a mere mince of mollycoddling to a mindless idea that may or mayn’t matter to one many miles detached. But maid to majesty,
Maharaja to mail-order minion, malapropism is most common to men. Let me assure my mates that I mean no malice, this maladjusted malarkey and maladroit madness ain’t as malevolent as it seems. My manic media will meet its margin and mei might once again melt into melodramatic mixes of microcosms of mimicking life in manuscript.

a birthday

What are birthdays of people you once made a festival of when now it’s just a phone call if even that. And if that is all you can do within your current circumstances geographical or situational, should you still show you remember? And suppose you do remember, which you always will, even if you try not to for some self-protective reason, which is ironic since you were the one to inflict such complicated awkwardness, suppose you do, should you then make a festival of remembering or make it like a solemn courtesy when inherent well wishes are bound to surface…

..in pursuit of a writing life...

A weekend gone without scrapping is a wasted one. For me at least. And I feel incomplete especially when I have so many pending scrap projects, like the mini scrapbook for my ah ma whom I have made it a point to visit in kuantan on her birthday come oct 31st. well at least I have selected the materials, chosen the pictures and printed them, so that counts as part of the project.Besides, I’m down with the flu so rest is essential and during my weekend I have also gone marketing for the week and whipped up two new dishes…



the above post is a 100 word post. i am now devoting this blog of mine to a daily 100 word routine in efforts to blog daily and train myself to be succinct. when i feel particularly wordy and expressive i shall unleash such torrents of words here other blog

feel free to comment and even suggest topics for me to yarn about in a mere 100 words.

a holiday

i don't feel like msn today. at all.
i wonder why. my brother keeps popping into my room saying, HI MEI MEI!!! after the seventeeth time he says i look down and asks what's bugging me. i didnt realize there was anything in particular bugging me. i mean, it's a holiday!
oh yeah to digress a little, it's merdeka day today and sadly all i seem to feel about it for now is yay it's a public holiday. i mean i appreciate my nation's independence and all and i'm rather patriotic but why sound it out today of all days why not just be patriotic all the time? funny my most patriotic merdeka days were when i was in singapore. malaysia night was great fun in raffles hall. we were so keen to remember our roots as malaysians and share that with fellow malaysians singing our patriotic songs and displaying our nation's cultures, funny when you're away maybe you want so much to hold on to that which you came from and makes you you. anyways, happy merdeka day.
maybe i'm a little off today (though not significantly) because i had a disturbing dream again. it's like the same dream in variations, of me packing up to leave raffles hall, NUS, Singapore. it's always different. and it's always disturbing when i wake up and remember. i dunno why. and everytime in the dreams i'm never done with my packing, rushing madly when my plane leaves hours away. in last night's one the darn lights wouldn't go on, it was so dark and i had so much stuff to pack and/or get rid off and he was lying on my bed. not helping. suddenly my folks appeared. and i thought darn im no done packing i have to go now. then dad said we're leaving tomorrow at 930pm. funny. in each version of the dream raffles hall changes. the people change, the buildings change, the feeling changes. even as it continues to change right now, i always remember it the way it was for me before i left...

for sherry

don't take it from me since what i say means nothing..this is from paul arden, author of international bestseller IT'S NOT HOW GOOD YOU ARE, IT'S HOW GOOD YOU WANT TO BE, former creative director at SAATCHI & SAATCHI and a legend of British advertising.



this square thingy is a meme square. idea plucked from here Meme Square
thanks ming=)

on a separate note.

updates in store..

more hospital tales.

road trip...balik pulau, durians and laksa.

spice gardens.

cameron highlands.

people.

brace yourself...

shout outs to all you patient folks.

very soon

i have tons to blog about and i will surely be ashamed of myself if i dont blog soon and i will veryy soon. but it'll be a huge chunk so i need to gather myself my thoughts my pictures my time.
i have had a fabulous week=) and i shall blog verry soon=)

round island

so its sunday and as usual im merely longing for some quiet time perhaps to read, write and scrapbook a little. okie yeah maybe i'll go online for a bit. dad says in the morning, are you coming with us to eat durians? i think to myself err ahh aiyah lazy la there goes my quiet time, moreover im much afraid of getting prolonged sorethroats from eating durian specially after my throat started getting itchy from one mere "hoot" of durian. around me they start to lament the unadventurous anti social mei. hmm. heck, im going. ain't i glad i did. turns out its a full fledged road trip round island to dad's friend's plot of durian farm complete with done up kampung house. it truly is a novelty trekking round the farm and then later sitting at the long kitchen table eating durians with opera music playing in the background on a suitably snazzy piece of hi-fi equipment.several durian "hoots" later, we take our leave thank our hospitable hosts and head on to balik pulau town to have the best laksa on the island. YUMMY.on our journey home we stop at the teluk bahang dam and tak epictures of the glittering water.
ahh..all in all a non typical sunday, spent with family and good food=)

we are moving=)

My new blog address

mariegrace hng

i have a confession.
i miss this girl. loads. i recall when you first started using the word "loads" as an adverb, reminded me a whole lot of laundry.
anyways, it's your birthday. or was.
may 19.
who could forget?
happy happy 22nd, my dear.
i have another confession. i don't even remember if i told you before. even if i did, i doubt you remember. the day you left for nz, after your folks dropped me home, i cried. and cried. and cried. like a cow. truth be known, i've never seen a cow cry before. but i probably looked like one, at the time.
and over the years, that sense of loss i felt at your departure has slowly but surely wedged itself into a widening gash. it isn't just your absence that gets to me but the almost total lack of a significant role in your life.
to minus the drama, what that meant is i dont know what the heck you're up to. i can guess, i can expect, i can assume.
i can piece together the bits and pieces i get from your friendster pictures, your occasional letters, and very rare phonecalls.
but still, i'll never know. just as you didnt til that very epic email.

forgive me for the dreariness. what i meant to project is a keen sense of celebration because of your birthday. so, as always, sending you the very best of wishes, may all your dreams come true, and may your angel keep watching over you just as you've spent your life always being someone else's angel.

"update your blog" they say. i wonder if they really can take it if i were to update with recounts of each fluctuating moment that has taken place in the last 4 months or so. even before that it's not as if i'm one to dish out every gritty detail. "update your blog" they say and when you finally do, "aiYOH-so many words"
then again, i've been so distant and i don't want to be. and yet the thought of leaving even a little of my current affairs exposed makes me content to post a symbolic photo here and there, accompanied by lyrics of a symbolic song, which to anyone of you whom i haven't caught up with for so long could mean almost anything or even nothing. so much for an informative "update", which potentially could bring my pals up to speed with what on earth this girl is up to, having made herself invisible on the radar.
so then..what is left of this repository of thoughts, if only sediments are left here to gather and hopefully meld themselves into a glimpse of me and my life?


new attempt...
a real update...

i now have a rattan chair beneath a lamp with a rug laid out in front of it, in my room. i have christened it-reading corner. and in this little nook, i have or rather am in the process of renewing my love for reading and in reading, deriving the inspiration to write.
i have unburied my ambition to be a writer and seek to fan the flame back into a burning desire. how and when and what are all in the chrysalis stage.
i am taking stock of who i am, and picking up the pieces.
i miss many people and shall start making an effort to be a friend and keep in touch with them and spend time with the few valuable ones who are actually around-geographically i mean.
i am striving to snap out of the funk i've been in and to start being an adult, with a stable disposition.
i am still quite cryptic=p

unwritten

Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live
that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

keeping it real

throw caution to the wind and for once blog a post that hasn't been rehearsed,rewritten, or censored.write that indeed things are swirling everywhere, either that or its all a unified blurr.in the midst of the threshold of a new hope,a new plan, a new future,things still come hurtling by that sometimes you just want to crawl under your fluffy dependable wool blanket throw which you brought with you all rolled up straight from ikea to a certain hall on a certain campus, where you had to chuck it into the menacing shapeshifting washing machine and dry it on a nameless rack in a quad for all to see.the same blankie you lugged onto a 12-hr bus ride where your friend was so grateful you had the cow sense to be an auntie who's afraid of the numbing cold amidst the tamil music blaring in the 4am background.the same blankie that tucked you in, in all your confusion and chaos, in all your hope and fear and love and euphoria.the same blankie that you sadly squished back into the same suitcase you brought with you and half your world, to go home where you belong.the same blankie which you insist on sleeping with eventhough sometimes the cold overwhelms the warmth this trusty throw gives. that blankie.so sometimes you put aside your ambition and dreams and determination like putting it on pause for just a few minutes if possible and just want to hide under your fluffy dependable wool blanket throw and milk its comfort for all its worth and wish that the world would just seem a little less confusing and that that feeling of sinking blissfully into that zone can be preserved...

birthday musings

every year one sits and ponders and wonders. until no words come to mind..
it's just another day, another year. and yet, it isn't.
to those who know how much nice words mean to me today
and the thought that you remembered, thank you.

love,
aster

what i'm beginning to find fascinating..

An empty room is loaded with meaning, and with possibilities. The principles of design govern the life of the simplest room and transcend all style labels. When well understood and judiciously applied, they can transform blank space into a cherished abode…
SPACE: The first principle of architecture is space and how to set its limits in a way that expands our experience of openness rather than detracting from it. Accurately estimating the exact amount needed rather than simply requiring the maximum amount of space possible has become the most urgent requirement in the proper management of our personal environments. PROPORTION: Proportion is to architects what perspective is to painters: a way to create impressions far deeper and more experientially resonant than the physical world allows. Proportion is the geometry of space, and as such, its principles must be understood in order to take advantage of the full benefits it promises. LIGHT: Good lighting is a revelation. Through lighting-whether it is natural or artificial- the constant transformation of space is possible. The first step is to consider all the moods that come with the hours of the day in nature and then bring that richness to the interiors of the home. FUNCTION: Function is often deemed synonymous with modern design; and yet long before the American architect Louis Sullivan dictated that form should follow function, architects understood that function, in fact, has to do with many more operations than the merely mechanical. Emotional satisfaction is equally a function of good design. TEXTURE: In the most expanded sense of the word, texture defines the psychological depth of a room, its contrasts, and its richness of mood. Far more than the sum of materials used to cover furniture, texture is about combining visual experiences with tactile ones. COLOUR: Colour requires confidence and caution. It makes an immediate and lasting impression on the eye. It is the easiest—and least costly—way to transform a room, and the most daring. Before splashing a room with colour, remember that white is all colours blended in one and comes in its own wide range of shades. MEMORY & WIT: Few classic tomes would think to include memory and wit in their principles of design. And yet in the world of today, where individual personality is often lost to mass-produced convenience, expression with a sense of humour and generosity is perhaps one of the most important new principles of contemporary design.

and so it is..

I received my official letter yesterday. from nus.

“….Withdrawal From The University

I refer to your intention to withdraw from the course indicated below. This is to inform you that your withdrawal took effect from 6 January 2006….”
etc etc etc
no more nus email add. that was rather cool.
it is finished. i can officially move on. though i already have, this just closes that chapter. cleanly.
i've been wanting to go back to school and see some teachers who are now teaching my lil sister.
been afraid. how do i own that i've stopped my university education. that i could'nt keep my scholarship. specially after that speech i gave to my juniors after spm results.
funnily. the ones i had to tell were more than understanding. i felt that they knew me for more than that. that they didn't think i was in any way a failure. moreover, being teachers i thought they'd be like...WHAT?? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU??
they weren't. and i'm glad. it is rather exciting having my lil sister go through the same school, same teachers, same activities as i went through, in an entirely different way, of course and an entirely different perspective.
i watch her and imagine the years between us, how similar our paths may be and yet how very different. good for her=p. she'd better not be like her big chi chi, she's got too much pizazz of her own...

a rose by any other name

Humungous arrays of bouquets, all wrapped up in layers and layers of coloured tissue wrappers, happy cutesy faces of miniature stuffed toys (teddies, doggies) peeking out from the bouquets.hmm, almost popping out from the heart of the bouquets. All laid out on the floor, waiting for valentine’s day to have their roses stuffed in and delivered.
I’m usually rather averse to Valentine’s Day and the whole idea of it (though I am a hopeless romantic) but these were really really cute.
Sheesh.
and this a day after i whine to my mum how silly people make valentine's day out to be. on radio they say, "valentine's day is just around the corner, you have to prove your love."
and the rest of the time?
it's just a day like any other. any day's just as good. to prove your love. or whatever. besides, with all that hype and expectation, someone's bound to get stressed out, or disappointed, to do too much or not enough. too much hype.

but the bouquets with the teddies were really cute!

walk on..

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
Love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind...

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Oh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed, to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly, for freedom

Oh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
You can only take so much

Walk on...
Walk on...

Home...
Hard to know what it is, if you never had one
Home...
I can't say where it is, but I know I'm going
Home...
That's where the hurt is...

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
And you can only take so much

Walk on...

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel

All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress-up
All that you've seen
All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate

inexhaustible multiplicity of experience...

" and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand.."

it has been a while, and to me it feels like ages. i do feel like i have aged a lot in the past month or so. but i'm grateful that i've withstood it all, and am looking forward to something bright, living in a bit more brightness now, after a phase of darkness where all i could feel was a shadow hanging over me. life's lessons are never for nothing and harsh as they seem, every phase passes, as emily dickinson said, this too will pass.

i thank God for people who seem to understand, people who do understand and people who try to. the NUS life and everything surrounding it, was truly a kaleidoscope of experience for me, one i'll look back at with a whirlwind of emotions and a wealth of lessons.

people ask if i'm okay. hmm, interesting question. i am of course okay by now. i didnt feel okay for a time. but i will never be the same. (thank god for that, what are lessons for then if not to change us and to mould us)

even now words cannot convey what i feel, and what i have felt from that point till now, then, where my biggest fear actually came true, and now when its all beginning to make more sense, why my path got re-routed.

being offline has made me look to my journal a lot to let out all my thoughts and it has been refreshing, i intend to keep up the writing regularly eventhough i may not become a writer.

seemingly random thoughts..

anyways, happy chinese new year to all. have a happy and prosperous year=)

p/s.. the title..the inexhaustible multiplicity of experience is something one of my lecturers in nus kept raving about in twentieth century lit, it was one of the great modernist tendencies to go on about experience that can be revisited and which take on a different angle each time it is revisited..etc etc..=p