im not a 2!i'm a 5!!!

You Are the Helper

2 You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you. You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know. Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere. You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.

What number are you?

or am i standing still..?

have you ever had the feeling when your mind along with evrything else around you tells you something,tries to shove you towards a general direction,a particular action..the air is pregnant with the reminder,coaxing you..,the season is just right..in fact the sands of time swiftly glide through your very fingers,as if that wasnt enough ,the hands of the clock tick increasingly loudly,its rhythm fast blending into a loud blare in your head,encroaching into the very recesses of your mind and...all you seem to be doing about it is .....
absolutely nothing.i mean the time and thought spent on the looming fear greatly outweighs the actual time doing something about it.

it makes me wonder.have i deceived myself into thinking that i have always been focused,and self-motivated,unconsciously driven by the need and desire to capitalize on whatever skills and gifts i believe myself to possess.or does fear and the possiblity of letting myself down further induce complacency..and numbness to an extent.sigh.so many things make me wonder these days.its like im taking stock of some of the things that i have subscribed to all this while and questioning the basis of it all.

all i know is..that im not so sure what i know anymore.sigh.who am i?am i still me?of course i am,right.i've always been sure of who i am.or have i?and does having always been something denote continuing to always be that.no question,no doubt,no uncertainty?and do question actually guarantee answers,.after all you can't know the answers till you learn to question..right?well,i think so.

somehow i always manage to pick up momentum and take flight and soar,not because of me..but because of God.but surrender without the act of giving up control is nothing.so,time passes.pages flip,exam papers are probably being printed.i refuse to be stagnant,i refuse to be complacent.but please oh please,..will the rest of me comply and stop standing still...

my blogging personality..

I took the Blogging Personality Quiz at About Web logs and I am...

The Writer
Words captivate me. And, I like to capture words. Blogging enables me to write often. It also provides a place for me to share what I write with a reading public. I can be funny, inspiring, intelligent, cynical, or morbid. It doesn't matter what I write about in my blog. It only matters that I write.

sunrays and raindrops...

riight.so i owe it to myself to post something decent after that string of mindless quizilla results.i don't even know why i bother.since my teenage years when i used to so look forward to reading seventeen or cosmogirl and take the silly quizzes i realized that i dun quite fit into any sub divided category of anything.the complete,complexity of who i am and who i strive to be cannot be captured by a few random responses to a few random questions.i mean,stereotypes just don't slide onto me that easily.i can be the epitome of sunrays one minute and raindrops the next.

i dunno if that reflects inconsistency,i just think that i can be contradictory to what people think of me initially.and i encapsulate various elements and aspects.my itunes library in itself says as much.not to mention my book collection(which by the way has dwindled after my sorting and packing to come to singapore)my music library ranges from clay aiken and josh groban to mandy moore and natalie cole to linkin park and brian mcknight and jim brickman.ahh well,then again i guess loads of ppl ascribe to having wide and varied musical tastes.what i am trying to say is..what is it i am trying to say anyway?hee.maybe when i have time enough i will write a comprehensive report on myself as i know it instead of letting a few quizzes dictate what "element" i am and what kind of girl i am.bah.

anyways,my exams are looming nearer and nearer and..gasp.been sleeping more than i should in order to study like crazy.i refuse to say "mug".which apparently is the term that everyone in sg or NUS at least uses."mug mug mug"sheesh.not that i never knew what it meant but still when everyone says it in that manner it just becomes so..oh well.for me..i need to "STUDY".not mug.;) .as i told my mummy on the phone..(yes,i admitted it=p)i'm so not used to the way things are done here..the continuous assessment stuff with all the projects and essays which i take forever to do and end up with miserable "C's".aaarghh.i've always been the kind who can chalk up incredible study sessions like a month or less before exams to make up for the last like few months...but now consistency is imperative!!!!i sincerely vow to at least get the hang of it if not master this new methods by next semester.

my folks are coming right at the end of my finals.shall see them right after exams.even more to look forward too...sigh.i just wish i can get back all the steam i normally have to piah (piah is like a hokkien cooler version of "mug"=p) like crazee till then.can't wait to show my mum and dad and sister glimpses of my life and environment here.hope they don't get a shock.nothing shocking what right?this is uni life.i'm sure they do know what it's like.oh gosh...in less than 4 months i will be turning 21!!yipes.time flies.if there's one thing i've learnt more so than anything else,it's that the quotation "this too will pass" can be really helpful if you really grasp the esssence of it and ascribe to it.melodramatic me has many a time been thwarted by the looming obstacle right in front of me,seemingly holding me back from any semblance of peace and happiness and then time and God resolves it (along with other factors).days,weeks,months,years later you look back in retrospect realizing that it did pass and you've emerged stronger,wiser,and hopefully better..

pierce through every shade of darkness
sunshine through sunrays
blistering brightness
blinding brilliance

cast the storm aside
away
not even for another day
unless to cleanse
wash
refresh

melt every last tear
dry the rain
absorb the pain

sunrays without rain
yet another bane
no reprieve
no relief

raindrops without sun
drenches everyone
no warmth
all gloom


pattern is as such
embrace it as much
sunrays
and raindrops

what type of art are u?

Impressionist! Monet, Manet, Cezanne, oh my! You
appreciate light and color, and you feel a need
to express yourself and the world around you
very vividly yet individually. You are like no
one else!


WHAT TYPE OF ART ARE YOU?
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okie okie.last one for now..

what form of art are u?

You are Poetry.
You are often the most emotional of the arts. You
are introverted, in that you tend to let people
come to you rather than trying to get their
attention. You get along well with Music and
Literature.


What form of art are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

introvert???me???hahahahahahahahahahah

riight...ermm..i dun quite agree!

F:

Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.
You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even your
appearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may look
innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the same
time. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit of
everything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost a
different person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you know
exactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. You
enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable you
are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, Light
Tones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:
Half-smile

Gemstone:
Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Sign:
Gemini Planet: Mars Hair Color: Red
Eye Color:
Brown

Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

which literature classic are u?

Shakespeare: Sonnets. Everyone has heard of you,
and almost everybody can find something
touching in you. You are calm and control
yourself, even though your wisdom and your
messages are no lesser than those of others.


Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

what is my inner age..?;p

20's You are thinking more clearly than most
people... you can see the real world as it is,
you don't live in this fantasy place anymore
but you are not very mature, you are just fine,
perfect! :)


. What is you inner age?
brought to you by Quizilla

in the midst of voiceless whispers..

chatter builds up in endless circles all around me as i sit in my own world in the arts canteen.defiantly refusing to type with capitals.why is it that i avoid direct,honest prose sometimes.perhaps i don't want my blog to sound so hello kitty -diary-ish.dear diary,today i did this,went here,saw that,etc etc..and though i consider myself one who puts my whole self out there in open vulnerability,i still have a need to cling to a certain sheen of hidden truth.a distilled reflection of my actual thoughts.

anyways,my contemplation was interrupted by the arrival of my dear friend wooi min whom i had been waiting for.and we had lunch.and now we're in the lecture theatre.awaiting the final lecture before we break and are left to our own desperate attempts to grasp the historical significance of asia an dthe modern world.

more abstract thoughts next time....=)

someone who'll watch over me..?

the shine in your eyes
incandescent
the window through which your essence
shows itself
in all its beauty

a million shades of brilliance
a thousand hues of goodness
earnest in being true
to self

resplendent
in the comfort of being
you

you
who art so much
and yet projects such modesty

you
who gives so much
and yet remains a reservoir
brimming with substance

you
who glides
to the beat of your own heart
the rhythm of your soul

you
who frames
your stance distinct
among any other

you
who hypnotizes
mesmerises
endears



you
who will always be
more than just

you


(on a poetic rampage..in the midst of attempting to dissect the poetry of other poets..was inspired)

things to study..finals start 19 nov..

okay,i'm gearing towards a more unconventional,dynamic blog.forget the fact that i can't get my photos here which frustrates me..immensely.because i love photos.well,shall work on that.anyways,these other snippets apart from the usual musings i hope will serve to add dimension to my blog and capture more of me in it..

Topics to study(2004/2005-sem 1)

EL1101E (19 nov,9am/60%)
1) Language
2) Linguistics:the language of language
3) Language and languages
4) Words and word parts
5) Wordbuilding
6) Human speech sounds
7) The grammar of sounds
8) The grammar of sentences:slots and phrases
9) The grammar of sentences:slots and functions
10) The grammar of meanings
11) Meanings in action
12) Language and speakers

looks like fun huh?well...should be.but it ain't really "english" its verrry technical and complicating.sigh.the science of linguistics..etc etc


IF1101E(20 nov,1pm/55%)
1) Intro
2) What is the information society
3) A brand new world today
4) Cultural aspects of icts
5) Education and ICTs
6) ICTs,work and business organisations
7) A new/informational.knowledge based economy
8) Globalization
9) Inequalities in the new information age
10) Politics in cyberspace
11) Tensions in the information age
12) Ethics and communications

rubbish!cyberspace nonsense?me?sigh...

EN2101E_1(23 nov,1pm/40%)

1) Pramoedya ananta toer, it’s not an all night fair (psychoanalysis)
2) Eugene ionesco ..rhinoceros (Marxism)
3) Tom Stoppard..the real inspector hound (deconstruction)
4) Doris lessing …the fifth child..(feminism)
5) Thom gunn..the man in night sweats
6) Edwin thumboo…A third map

ahh..more my speed.or so i thought!til the alarming C+.ahh well,keep on keeping on..


HY1101E (27 nov,9am/60%)

1) Intro/worldwide traditions and interactions
2) Emergence of the modern nation state
3) Age of exploration/”old” imperialism in Asia
4) The enlightenment & industrial revolution and “-isms”
5) “New” imperialism in Asia
6) Clothing ,modernity and Identity
7) The world wars
8) Nationalism and the emergence of new nations
9) The Cold war
10) Asia since 1945
11) Globalization(1)
12) Globalization(2)

riight.history.used to be fun.not so much so anymore..


EC1101E (27 nov,1pm/60%)

1) The central ideas of economics
2) The demand and supply model and market equilibrium
3) Consumer choice
4) Production decisions and firms in competitive markets
5) Firms under imperfect competition and strategic behaviors
6) Public goods,externality and government behaviour
7) Intro to macroeconomics
8) Inflation and employment
9) The theory of economic fluctuations
10) The aggregate demand curve and monetary policy
11) The inflation adjustment line and fiscal policy
12) Open economy macroeconomics

okay,im banking on my previous 4 years econs background.which will be useful after i've translated it all=p

ah hah.so,that's my study list.where am i now?well,,im working on my lit essay..so,its kinda taking a backseat for now ...sigh..aargh..sigh..haih..oh well..God give me strength..!

writing to mum

my pen dances
in uncertain circles
upon the parchment

my life in words
could they be heard
in its entirety
by you

what do i hide
why have i to

you who gave me life
led me to my dream
and yet conjure the fear
of inadequacy
of falling short

my life in words
seems sadly lacking
the passion of reality
the true pangs i feel

"who is this girl i see
staring straight back at me"
i am not the me i used to be
and yet i am

strange.

estranged?

refuse to believe so
for u are always close to me
and i am still me
your daughter

my pen dances
in choreographed fluidity
can you see
the me i portray
or is it still a hazy grey?...

today is tomorrow's yesterday...

time flies..i've always thought of the passing of time in phases.and i associate a certain time frame with the phase i go through at that particular time and when i look forward to a particular event i would count ii in reference to the same time frame in the past.for example,when i was looking forward to stpm(or dreading it)i would think..one month more...,exactly one month ago such and such happened...and's that 's how i would measure the length of that time frame.and i would somehow always be looking forward to something or other.these days,im so content living in the present..every day is a new giftbox just waiting to be unwrapped,so much so that i don't longingly await a certain future date but just take it as it comes along.each and every day which God grants me...just waiting to unfold.even with it's disappointments and feelings of inadequacies(which are so haunting me now!)..even with the challenges which rise before me higher than i can see,even with the looming fears of failing to achieve excellence in my studies(the sole reason im here),,even with the imbalance i am sometimes faced with in my life here..with all these elements present in my life...i am yet joyous..i am afraid to attribute this distinct contentment to one particular factor,and am unsure if i should relate it to various factors and if so what these various factors are..all i know is that this is a time of my life where i am truly living.each day brings forth stumbling blocks before which i falter,and grasp for stability again..and it is this regaining of a centre that makes the experience a lesson.

and yet time flies.in spite of everything yes,,.i am stumbling.my literature lecturer has put me in a place where i am questioning my love of literature itself and my believed affinity and proficiency in it.he says "i suggest more than i articulate an d exemplify more than i explain..".and yet after the initial humiliation coupled with indignation,i press on and insist i love literature.i love the art of words coming together in a symphony defined not by the writer but by the reader,as the writer helps suggest ideas by conjuring a certain set of images and evoking a certain string of experiences within the reader.i insist i can be good at it simply because i love it.surely passion can ignite excellence.that has after all been one of my beliefs by which i have come thus far in life.my subjects seem further from my "fingertips" than ever before.at least it seems so,but by faith(hopefully not sheer complacency and stupidity) i shall attempt to put myself back on track and truly feel as if i deserve this scholarship.after all,today is tomorrow's yesterday..

reach
my heart says
even as my hands remain wrapped tightly
behind my back

eyes roving
anywhere but here
where fate calls them

stance wavering
teetering towards an uncertain nothingness
where fulfillment is a void

time ticks on
mind wondering as it wanders
what are u waiting for

reach
my heart says
seize the breath of time
chemical desires
fear snuffed out

reach
my heart says
for the stars beyond the dark abyss
incandescent night after night
today is after all
tomorrow's yesterday..


..................................................................................................................=)

rain at 4am..

there is something inherently magical about a rain glazed scene at 4am in the morning.the cool air invigorates your soul.the sound of raindrops falling rhytmically onto any surface gently reverberates through you.and at the hour,your senses are heightened while losing some of your clasp of consciousness..i remember countless moments enfolding in a setting like this.events you would never imagine urself getting tangled up with..chances you would never take,..things you would never do..except on a rain glazed morning at 4.
i would go on but myroommate is trying to sleep and apparently the light tapping of my fingers over the keyboard breaks the magic of a rainy day in bed.perhaps i should capture that magic too,the warmth of a bed on a rainy early morning..wrapped up in my nice fleece blanket...zzzz

sherry...

when i woke up this morning i planned to go back to sleep then thought heck,i wanna write in my blog.my dear friend sherry has been bugging me to"update ur blog!"ah yes,since we're on the subject...my dear friend sherry..since it was her birthday on the 18th of october i shall devote an entire paragraph or more(i bet i'll overshoot it by a mile) to her.(ooh..i found out how to edit the font)

sherry..

sherry had the longest name in std 6,(i think it was then)..it was sherry amy ooi mei lian.gosh.what's up with that?i mean yeah,when i was in my first year in kindergarten i called myself marilyn j.fox.cos i liked micheal j. fox.sheesh.can't believe i said that.but yeah..i think she was exploring some alternative identity phase or something.whatever.(hehe.hi sherry darling)
for years,in the midst of experimenting with various different "close friends",sherry and i were always drawn to each other by one very potent factor.we both loved to write.and sherry always had a really engaging flair for writing.not that she would ever admit or acknowledge it.(aww,come on sher...then what's with the blog?!)and so we had this bond which let us peruse the wild and crazy frontiers of language and literature,our idiosyncracies in realtion to our literary pursuits and looking back sherry has always been not only one of my biggest supporters in my imagined destiny towards writing, but has also been one of the few whom i really look to for approval .not only in writing but my other artistic endeavors.apart from that,we used to have oodles of fun with our fake americen high school accent,like oh my Gawd!!!i,was like,u know,like,so glad,we,like had those moments..heh.sherry and i could so master the art of being in class yet not be there and look like we're perfect little schoolgirls.(or so we thought...bm teacher was cool,though)
we even did an inventory of our wardrobe together,by describing practically every article of clothing we owned and comparing,hehe.(yes,sher...every humiliating detail)and after all that,she had the nerve to kinda lose touch with me after our secondary school days.so glad we caught up though,huh.oh sher,forgot to tell u how honoured i was that u let me spend ur last day in penang with u and hah,I drove u around.ur a lousy driver.hehe.
to date,i have never met anyone like u,sher.and i doubt i ever will.not only taking into consideration who you are as an individual,who by the way simply dazzles,ppl.be warned!but who you are to me.i have to say we have a truly unique friendship.one i'm proud of and one that i would'nt trade for anything in the world.so,happy birthday sherry.revel in the wonder of knowing that beyond your very limited perception of yourself is the truth that there is no one more sherry than you.and in saying that i don't mean the name but the heart and soul that you have attached to it for us all to be fond of..hugs..

not the triumph but ....

the important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle.the struggle of finding who you are and who you want to be and then redefining that everytime you reach a point that calls for it or rather allowing yourself to be redefined in the image you were designed to be..the struggle lies in that limbo between the separate planes of belief and in striving to make sense of it all and being happy in the midst of it and knowing the contentment you seek...sigh.what gibberish.after venturing into someone else's blog,i feel so unabashedly humiliated and humbled at the same time.i mean,here i am,the"aspiring writer" and really the substance and structure is not much different from the cute hello kitty diary i wrote in since i got it for my 7th birthday.(stopped sumtime in form 3 i think.but anyways,this someone else's blog had sweat,blood and tears smeared all over it,it rang of heart and passion and soul all dusted with an impeccable flair for writing and amazing compositional skills.he sure as heck doesn't belong in the engineering faculty when he could probably paint rainbows or strike lightning with the way he frames words.anyways,that's not the theme of the day.

but i dun have the strength to get to that right now.maybe later.when my wilted self regains some breathe of hope in the perpetual goodness of things and the way things are meant to turn out...

birthdays,soccer and history

today is my dear friend francis's birthday.thursday was kuan nee's and yesterday was roy's.ah yes,thursday was oso sheau xian's birthday.i have always made a big deal out of my dear friend's birthdays because i believe birthdays are indeed a very special occasion.celebrating one's existence and herald into this world where they live in and in living somehow add to the colour of my own existence.yupz,birthdays are special.i have however lostt the art of making my own birthday cards.firstly,no time.secondly,...dunno.made so many lovely(ahem) cards before, dunno if i can top them.i went out to celebrate francis's birthday yesterday.gosh,fish & co. again.the seafood platter was heavenly but if i had to describe it in one word....FUN!!!i was stuffed!anyways,i'm still awaiting assurance from my parents that they still want me to be their daughter despite my submission of a way too graphic account of my accounts.yup.i am guilty of spending wayyy too much money and i feel so terrible...sigh...sniff...sob...

ah well,this morning i went for my first soccer training with the raffles hall girls' soccer team.ooh,we had training on the SRC field and we all wore our soccer boots,shinguards and all for the first time..so pro.hehe.it was great fun despite the sudden strikes of fatigue under the blazing sun due to lack of sleep.the phrase of the day was..."that's the way!"....(to be yelled out in a loud enthusiastic way whenever any fellow teammate attempts her turn at ANY drill no matter what the outcome...)hehe.after the vigorous workout,i collapsed in my lovely bed for a few hours.haha.3 i think.

after a long snooze(i was recuperating!),i took a while to snap out of my stupor and started research on my history essay(due this coming tues...yes.never a dull moment).sigh.finally decided on the treaty of nanking..opium war nonsense etc.gosh,hate doing research on the internet.guarantees a major headache and a trip round the world and back just to get a few measly useful articles.sigh.

well,saturday nights at raffles hall.quiet.the nights fall earlier this time of year.i think its kinda depressing.u look out of the window at 7.15pm and its dark.saturday nites, usually some troop or other will come yelling outside ur window..."dinner!"i think its fun actually.but leaving ur work and other obligations behind sumtimes results in guilt and then you'll fester and fester and....well.anyways..ok.now that the troop has gone on without me..(they must think im an anti social bug)..as opposed to social butterfly..ah well.sum of my dear frens(ok ,one) are in fact currently slogging over some complicated final year project or other.poor thing...ok.on to look for food.gastric on the brink of devouring me...=)

literature

i'm working on my lit project like i have been for so long and it still makes me feel so inadequate in this field.am i really cut out for literature?or even english?it's just never so hard before.literature has always been my pet subject and in form 6 with the challenging essay questions after a while of thinking i could still let my pen flow rhythmically across my foolscap paper and come up with sumthing quite okay.but now...?sigh..
anyways,deadline is tomorrow.and english test on friday..sigh...
oh,i had this lovely testimonial written for me in friendster by my friend benny.gosh.it was so sweet i nearly cried.anywasy,okay,im gonna get back to my lit.escapism just ain't gonna help im sure..

Flickr

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