you show up

somedays you go to work a little late, a little less put together, a little less eyeliner. like none, really.
you trudge along. to the workplace. a little less motivated, a little less focused, a little less of a workaholic.
you surf, and browse and bang out a random poem in 5 minutes.

I was born to live
I was born to love
I was born to be
The one that you deserve
I was born to thrive
I was born to bloom
I was born to smile
And lead you from your gloom
I was born to hold you
And keep you in my heart
I was born to breathe you in
And exhale works of art
I was born to shine
I was born to glean
I was born to make a life
That would something mean
I was born to live
I was born to love
I was born to be
The one that you deserve

and then it's time for lunch. you soak in the break even as you begin to feel, break from what, exactly?
guilt seeps in, in little beads. what have you done so far to deserve the pay you just banked in today. in the morning, before the weekend, which is why you were late in the first place. you keep your wallet closed like a mouth encasing gold, so you're richer for longer. so the pay day glow lasts.
you bank it all in, a sore lesson after having been robbed on pay day 2 months before. your mind dreams and roams and still, at work, you do minimally. work that is.

somedays you go to work, with a little less inclination to do your job. nothing urgent, nothing pending, nothing requires your innate skill.
but at least, you show up...

dreaming with a broken heart...

if who i am is what i have, and what i have is lost then who am i?

and what if what i've lost are not mere possessions? but a huge part of your soul?

and you know not how to mend the gaping hole, the bridge you burned to walk your own path.

you dream and your aching heart roams in a parallel world.

john mayer wrote a song," dreaming with a broken heart". he says of the song, it's about how you've had a fallout with someone and in your dreams all is well, then you wake up and realize man, that person still hates me..."

i liked the song long ago, never realized it'd end up resonating with me so well.

namecards...

after many weeks of meetings, concerts, networking sessions (and a primary school reunion) of meeting various who's whos in the industry and beyond, our HIGHLY dependable and EFFICIENT printers (ask me who not to use next time!) have delivered my new namecards.

this is not my first or second namecard, but it is the first that isn't under a company which belongs to my parents. haha. o joy.

and now to seek out the ideal namecard case, which will embody professionalism, class and a tinge of my individual personality with a touch of quirkiness. and can fit at least 10 cards at a time. think i can get one for sgd5? heh. 

anyone wants my namecard??=)

p.s the above post was written in a state of delirium brought on by acute flu n sinus attack. please ignore all degrees of nonsensicality. 

in the span between then and now

much has happened.

this is the biggest understatement.

my life has changed drastically.

i did it.

God did it.

they allowed it.

i travelled quite a bit. like a whole lot in fact when juxtaposed with my total travellers' miles in the 24 years before.

there was new zealand. 

oh the sights. the scenery.

there was the travel bit. and the journey itself. (spiritual journey as that fashion designer from london says) with my emotional baggage.

and the finally visiting marie leg of the trip which was sublime.

so many things about this trip was sublime.

so much so that the stories from here will form my first book. (no joke)

other travels included kl, kuantan, jakarta. my first visit to indonesia really, to rebuild family ties with someone and taste the life there. caught up a fair bit with old old friends in kl and had  a great time doing so. 

i have relocated to singapore. awaiting my return to university come august. meanwhile i have a job. a rather decent one too. celebrated a milestone. 

all the while, adjusting, adapting. spanning my wings. i carry in my heart, a heavy bag of sadness. i try to stuff it deep, wedge it away so i can breathe. so i can live. so i can move on and slowly think of how to make amends. how to mend bridges. 

during the new zealand trip, the pain was at its most intense, nay it comes back sometimes in sudden spurts, but then it was fresh, it was new, it was raw. and all i could do was look around at the beauty. surrounding. every corner of that land. and see God's big smiling face.

and then i could rise above it. 

and then there was christmas. i desperately tried to recreate some semblance of christmas as i knew it. and it was ok. christmas was alright.

it is a new year now. i have had my say. what little i could muster. it is far from fixed. but i can look ahead. to brighter times in that particular pasture and thank my God for bringing my through.

for still putting bright lights and pillars of hugs in my way. good friends old and new. near and far. and my patient perpetual companion. 

it is a new year now. 

and in the span between then and now.

much has happened.

here's wishing all of you a fabulous 2009!

the unthinkable

there is no easy way to do the unthinkable. how is it that we begin to cross the boundary in our mind, when do we take the first step over the imaginary line which demarcates the natural reflex, and the unthinkable audacity.

oh to be bold is to be weak?

to be daring is to be selfish?

to dream and wish is to insult your current position. commitment hitherto.

to do the unthinkable you must rise. above all expectation. all promise of condescension.

to do the unthinkable you must think it and grasp onto that hope that God will love you nonetheless.

i have done the unthinkable and i have begun to taste the sweetness of a new horizon.

in a realm where i can be just me.

and that is okay.

that is enough.

that can possibly even be noble.

or am i merely masking my guilt?

grace

i long for peace and purpose,
voice and reason,
a burning passion
a snowflake in season

an open field
a deep breath
a vast sea of phosphorescence
laid out before me
fine sand beneath my toes

i long for patience
and a quiet if reluctant understanding
that malice is never my intention
pain the last thing i wish to dish out

i long for the twisted knots around my conscience
to uncoil
i long to know that this is finally what i should be doing
should have stepped up to do
a long time ago

then again

this time seems good
this time seems ripe
this time i know its time
in the throes of sorrow
irreconciliable digits
like the ones i struggle to balance
on many a bright saturday night

the thing i say i would never do
may be the very thing that makes me me
the very thing that i've hungered for
longed for
all this while
martyrdom does not become me
my fake white gown is tainted

i long
how i long
for grace
in my weary flight
from this place

Tis' the season to be jolly

My heart is bursting with christmassy feelings, tugged by Christmas carols, swayed by red and green. My blog however has been dismal. Once again i lament how time just flies. Leaving me in a whirlwind of to do lists. I wish i could slow it down so i could relive my December, get everything in shape. Really savour the moments.
Yesterday i got my Christmas wrapping done. Finished my christmas shopping. Squeezed in a nice al fresco bagel lunch at the Bean. Did laundry. Cleaned and tidied my room. (Gets to a point in one's life when you just can't find too many things you know you own that you have to do a mini overhaul). Watched 2 dvds. HIlarious, laugh-out loud numbers (Heartbreak kid with Ben stiller & the chuck & larry with adam sandler)And made my mum's birthday card. Even cooked dinner for bro and i. Quite a productive day i must say. The only gloomy thing bout it being that i am now so broke.
What a lovely time to have a public holiday i must say. With the folks away, the mice get busy!
Lotsa fun happy days ahead..fa la la la la la.

it's november

ohmygosh. my last post was so long ago. ok ok, i can see now why my friends have been grumbling.
i had this deep desire to blog on friday the 2nd of november. this is how it would have went...

how was your day today?
mine started at 5.50am when roxie, our exuberant dog started barking and howling and barking and barking and howling. you get the picture. Now i am a light sleeper. so i woke up. wondering what the ruckus was about. afraid that if i opened my balcony door to check it out some black masked figure would appear at the grilles. i tried peering through the glass doors, to see if anything was amiss. couldn't see shit. our other older dog was lying peacefully sleeping. finally i summoned up the courage to step onto the balcony and look out at the road. nothing. but roxie kept barking. it was about 6.10am when i walked downstairs to investigate. and discovered that the maid had run away.

geez.

this is not amusing.
at all.

what a chicken. what an ass. what a blinking wuss.

anyways. shall save the juicy bits for this i'm gonna write based on my experience with maids. bitter experiences, mind you.

anyways.
an update in pictures...

massive purge

in order of things i've been wanting to blog about. my mouse died. i got a cheapo rm25 replacement for purely functional reasons (you know how girls would always go for the prettiest looking mouse or speakers but this time i had to be practical.

this is what my old mouse looked like. i got it from sim lin in singapore years ago.
this is how it died...
and this is my new hideous wonder. sigh.


i've finally got the latest mandy moore album i've been waiting for.
there's a song on it called all good things and at first i thought it was such a nice happy song. but then it's all good things..come to an end. how apt. no? sigh. i also got nelly furtado, and i can't help liking the music on this one despite the highly sexually charged lyrics on some. hey, i like the beats, k. next i will be buying timbaland. and of course, no trip to the mall is complete without getting a few dvds to shake my weekend up.
this last weekend i got started with designing xmas cards for santa's workshop to get going.



it's that time of year again. i also managed to scrap this.
and took my sister out for a movie, Hairspray and some shopping, just me and her. it was swell. this is probably the start of a new level in our relationship, a new phase as she gets older.

hung out a lot with my folks. maybe so i wasn't so alone. but then i watch my movies and of course every romantic scene reminds me of what we had(have?), and the uncertainty of it all.

and now i am down with the doggone flu. shucks.

........

when words fail...

learning to breathe

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

this post was going to start off completely differently. but then i came across the above quotation. i spend the end of each day these days, alone in my bed, grappling for comforts of the past and my now elusive hold of the future. i sleep earlier but it is a fitful sleep. and i think my heart is crying.

perhaps i should chant to myself;
live in the present, live in the present.
but in my present, he is not here. and i don't know where he'll be in the future. which is what sparked this whole trauma, of course.

for now, i shall just learn to breathe. and focus on other things in my present and my chosen future. my career, the business i am helping to build, the craft i am honing. think of how to garner more income. think of how to be a better daughter, sister, friend. think of how to be nicer, kinder, better, stronger. healthier, even.

it is harder to breathe now. and the tears store themselves in my imposed cement refuge.

but i am still me. ain't i?
and i am okay. by myself. aren't i?
this is the goal. to say i am. no matter what.

merdeka day

before composing this post i read what i blogged about last merdeka day. it is fun to see progress, change, growth. perhaps i'm achieving my own independence. today i feel good about myself, about my life. i've gone on at great lengths about merdeka over here so i shan't walk down that road again.
with one area of my life, a huge area really, one that i delineate much time and effort and energy and mostly heart to; things seems, heck, things are shaky and uncertain but perhaps (at least for now), i can be strong and have faith. i want to be... self-sufficient, in a way that no one can take away my sense of self, my sense of worth. i want to be able to face anything and still have myself intact. self. what a strange concept. someone wise once told me that in finding one's self, you would ultimately find that there is no crystallized self to be discovered.
i hate the feeling of thinking myself victimised, or oppressed. whatever choices, whatever life, i choose. chose. was chosen for. it is true, being overemotional does put one at a disadvantage. and oversentimental. and too romantic. oh give me sense, more sense and sensibility.
i have rekindled a friendship with an old classmate. isn't that nice? especially when even before it was a somewhat volatile friendship, to have suddenly each grown up to fit into each other's lives and be able to understand each other and be understood. this morning, we woke up early on our public holiday, went to the botanical gardens to walk, then pop over to the wet market to have breakfast and for me to do the marketing. she even helped me carry my fish and veg. thank God for friends. i had a great time and all before 10am. thanks dee.
went home, showered. cooked lunch for my family. ate said lunch. helped sarah plan her study timetable. (now this is one thing i have a knack for) she shared with me high school musical 2 tunes, and then begged me to let her give me a makeover. in other words, put make up on my face. then i did hers. and we took pictures. i am glad for spending time together without her getting hostile. so that's what this 14 year old is into now. make up. hmm. sigh. growing up too fast.
there is still light left in the day and i'm going to help dad scrub down garden urns while he and bro plant trees into our barren garden. the day is turning out deliciously. though i fear tomorrow. and what it may or may not bring. and how i should or can react. and whether hearts will be broken, and if so, whose?
but for now i will give thanks for this day. for independence. for peace. for my nation. for my family. for friends. for my hair that now takes me only 1 minute to do every morning;). and for everything my God has brought me through and will...

in 2 days i will live in a palace, with a view

just because i wanna keep the momentum going.
in my attempt to blog regularly. i count this as tuesday night ,k so this is a daily occurence now.
drove home alone today. solitude is sometimes a luxury, especially when driving.
drove to the new place, greeted by classical music playing. so posh. so exciting. curtains all up, the living room feels like it could be a ballroom in a jane austen book, but not in an old fashioned way. i can't wait to live there. in 2 days i will. my eyes tear as i look around at the home my folks have provided for us. (not entirely rent free=p) did i already say i can see the sea from my room balcony?
dinner with folks which included steamed fish, which is always a luxury. then home to pack, and make boxes and cut up bubble wrap eventhough i was pooped.
showered again at 1 am, and in the shower it hit me that my blog is linked to my facebook. which is a little troubling, as now my inner sometime geek-ness is now exposed to my elite facebook entourage.
crikey.
but oh what the heck.
i peeked at my baby sister sleeping today. which doesn't happen so often these days. she isn't so baby these days, she is nearly as tall as me. she is a teenager. in sleep she is the sweetest thing on earth, awake she could be. sometimes.

voyeur

the dictionary function on my microsoft word for mac makes me giggle as i look for the exact definition of my title. so as not to twitch noses, or raise eyebrows. nevertheless, i'm sticking with it.

curious?

voyeur.
look it up.
and don't be cheeky.

tiptoed a little beyond my regular daily links on the world wide web. chanced upon some interesting blogs, there are people who i can relate to after all, whom i actually know but never knew that well. you see what having someone's blog url can do; direct access.
eye opener; people (regular type people not attention seeking whores from pre-adolescence) freely discuss their brazilians in their blogs! shocker. nyuk nyuk.
then again there are those like me whose blogs are like convoluted mazes whisking through mere sneaks and peeks of the true person behind such opaque ramblings. so much for direct access. care for a puzzle anyone?

so what does this tell me?

write more.
be real. attempt to not hang the veil so thickly over my words.
in simple words..don't care so much what people think.
yet its scary isn't it? i'm not as thick skinned as you may think. you may write something, share something, never knowing who'll read it and what they'll make of it.
tricksey.

mei needs a social life.
i make too many excuses for myself and haven't yet mastered the art of being useful and ever present during the weekend and catering to domestic necessities and also having family time while having me time. my weekends aren't very long after all. perhaps after the move. but then i'll love the house and my room EVEN more. more reasons to stay home on a saturday night.

now this ain't so hard. i used to say i want to blog everyday, then i'd make it so evry post is an event in itself, and the censoring, dear Lord, takes forever. by that i mean omitting the personal details, to protect the privacy of the people around me, the place i work etc. so complicated! hiak.

i do feel a slight ever so slight sense of liberation now. i can write more and try to worry less.

some things to smile about today:
got my moleskine prizes in the mail
had a mini karaoke session with sarah=p

is there an artist inside you?

Artmakr Weekend!

When was the last time you picked up a brush, or a pencil, or a crayon?

How did that feel? Whether you think back to yesterday, or many many years ago, you probably recall a feeling of pure freedom and bliss. This is an invitation to feel that bliss again, and to show your art, in-front of an encouraging and supporting audience. A safe audience. This is also an invitation, to be that audience.

Introducing: Artmakr Weekend!

An online themed art exhibition, that YOU are invited to participate in. Stick-men and Master Paintings are all welcome to mingle with one another. See you there!

Still here?Great, help us extend this invitation, by re-posting this article on your blog, or emailing it to your artist friend (we know you have one)
Is there an artist inside you? We think so.

Create!

my blog was getting boring

my blog was getting boring. so i put up some pictures of a recent project. using elsie's amazing toby range from the love,elsie collection. elsie flannigan is an inspiration to me, every time i read her blog or browse her layouts i am spurred on. her photos are phenomenal. mine are crap a lot of the time.
sigh.
well, we all gotta start somewhere.
needless to say, i have been busy with work, and preparing to move house with my family. nevertheless i am intent on blogging more and letting my blog reflect me more, the way these scrapbook celebs have theirs. as much as they are well known figures, i guess the scrapbooking clan are generally a down to earth species. the world wide web is seriously amazing cos u can read a scrapbook magazine then like a particular designer's style and her articles then google her on the net then keep her bookmark for a direct link to her life and times and scrapbooking lines. how neat is that? a little freaky too but hey times are a-changing.
am attempting to write more. i do dabble with BW
and been thinking of writing for this much more politically, socially potent platform for influential writing and will also maybe write for this booming new fabulous website from one of the founders of 30dayartist
apart from my day job. and other regular stuff regular adult 23 year olds do. then again not so regular since i'm a bit of an oddball.
on a totally unrelated point, i am so thrilled bout the new rapid penang buses. not that i have taken a public bus in penang for the past few years but that is exactly my point. the new buses seem very civilised! i am thrilled that penang is moving up in the public transportation area. whoohoo.
more to come...

some sundays are tops

i had a great sunday.
which is not to say that i did nothing contributive to the general public.
which is not to say that i had the whole day all to myself.
but it was great.
nuff said.

The past lurks...

So goodbye
Will you please step out of my dreams
So much for building the friendship now that the attempt to do the awkward dance
Is over and done with
So much for being the bigger person
So goodbye
The deliberate snub was so unnecessary
But thanks for that one little last slam
To make me tougher stronger independent
So much for being the mature one
And that was one thing I was grateful for
So goodbye
Now please stop haunting my dreams
I imagine your killer stare
The cold fierce one
And I am terrified
I thought you were the teddy bear
Why the hell do you still have a hold on me
Why should I care why should it bother me
That you’ve neglected to reply
Over and over
Deliberately repeatedly making me feel to blame
And shitty again and again
But it wasn’t all me
And where would you be now anyways
If I hadn’t been so bold
You would run faster than the swiftest wildebeest
At the slightest peep of the shit I’ve had to go through since
And it has been years now
So where’s your courtesy
I never wanted to say the final goodbye
But now you’ve wedged it in my chest
Thank you for making me feel like an incessant pest
And why should I even care
So goodbye
Will you please stay out of my dreams


..

must be different

my dad always says..
must be different la u! in a tone of slight disgust and annoyance at my failure to conform.
like when everyone orders wan tan mee thin one, i'd want fat one.
or when everyone orders hokkien mee, i'd want the maggi mee version.
or when people want the white sugar man chang kueh, i want the brown sugar one.
hey, i'm adventurous. and anyways, im not different ALL THE TIME.
so i'm an individual.
so anyways, last saturday nite bro n i drove over to gurney drive to get tau fu fah for the folks.
yes we were sitting at home doing our stuff on a SATURDAY nite. hey working folks like to enjoy their saturday nites,k. besides parents were away for few days before and we wanted to be home. so we landed in soyaland. aand of course i wanted the tau fu fah with BROWN sugar. rebel that i am.
saturday nite ate beancurd jelly with longan. tau fu fah in fridge.
sunday nite, had crepes for dessert. tau fu fah in fridge.
mon nite. bang bang bang on my door.
OEI! leave ur TFF in fridge for so long. summore BROWN sugar no one else wants. so i go down to eat my TFF.
and..
UGH.
with brown sugar it tastes like pi pa gao and tau hu.
lesson learnt.
sometimes the majority is right. and has good taste.

p/s for those not used to the pi pa gaoslang/spelling it is some old man brand cough mixture thick and bblackish brown kinda sweet, very useful for throat problems, not a friendly dessert tho.

creative outlet

the joy of creating something makes your weekend worthwhile..