flashbacks from rag and flag 2005

reflections..palette of colours,voyage of memories..raffles hall float 0506

watch this space..

take heart for heart has returned.. and life is once again full of splendour..
shall update more real soon..=)

my new dream car

the volkswagen golf 1.6.sure its not as pretty as a BMW Z4

or a 6 series



but ,heh, i've never driven those before. i have however driven this! and its a beauty, it drives like a dream. and i love the sunroof. ahhh.i woke up early this morning before work just to wash it and make it shiny and new. its not mine though. yet. not soon i suppose=p. dad says if i stay in penang i'll get one, sounds like a bribe. i see why daddy's so passionate about his car business, he gets to drive all of them.all!.shall post an actual picture of me in it next=p.

p/s.muahahahahhahahahahaha.finally.its simple to load pics on my blog. was this feature always there??i'd feel like a real idiot if so=p

the long long road

Have you ever felt so confusedly lost, like all you ever stood for and breezed through now holds you down and mars you.keeping you captive , wrapping ur bound hands behind you and making you feel like an utter failure,failure. you who aced these paths before, you who did so well that people got so bored of it and all those years of excellence have come to this? Contemplating flinging yourself at the mercy of the scholarship board, begging them to give you yet another chance? How can my castles of sand just be swept away by the desert storm? Or was it a storm? Wasn’t the last time enough of a test? I guess I had more to learn, positioning me like this, seemingly helpless, a wilting flower slowly in the palm of a closing hand. Let the sun come and breathe new life upon me, allow me one last chance to thrust myself away and beyond this helplessness. Please.. my heart pleads. I will soar again, please let me fly once more. Please. I beseech, entreat and beg…please..i pray.

on writing..

IV. Everything You Need to Know About Writing Successfully

1. Be talented

This, of course, is the killer. What is talent? I can hear someone shouting, and here we are, ready to get into a discussion right up there with "what is the meaning of life?" for weighty pronouncements and total uselessness. For the purposes of the beginning writer, talent may as well be defined as eventual success - publication and money. If you wrote something for which someone sent you a check, if you cashed the check and it didn't bounce, and if you then paid the light bill with the money, I consider you talented.

Now some of you are really hollering. Some of you are calling me one crass money-fixated creep. And some of you are calling me bad names. Are you calling Harold Robbins talented? someone in one of the Great English Departments of America is screeching. V.C. Andrews? Theodore Dreiser? Or what about you, you dyslexic moron?

Nonsense. Worse than nonsense, off the subject. We're not talking about good or bad here. I'm interested in telling you how to get your stuff published, not in critical judgments of who's good or bad. As a rule the critical judgments come after the check's been spent, anyway. I have my own opinions, but most times I keep them to myself. People who are published steadily and are paid for what they are writing may be either saints or trollops, but they are clearly reaching a great many someones who want what they have. Ergo, they are communicating. Ergo, they are talented. The biggest part of writing successfully is being talented, and in the context of marketing, the only bad writer is one who doesn't get paid. If you're not talented, you won't succeed. And if you're not succeeding, you should know when to quit.

When is that? I don't know. It's different for each writer. Not after six rejection slips, certainly, nor after sixty. But after six hundred? Maybe. After six thousand? My friend, after six thousand pinks, it's time you tried painting or computer programming.

Further, almost every aspiring writer knows when he is getting warmer - you start getting little jotted notes on your rejection slips, or personal letters . . . maybe a commiserating phone call. It's lonely out there in the cold, but there are encouraging voices ... unless there is nothing in your words which warrants encouragement. I think you owe it to yourself to skip as much of the self-illusion as possible. If your eyes are open, you'll know which way to go ... or when to turn back.

2. Be neat

Type. Double-space. Use a nice heavy white paper, never that erasable onion-skin stuff. If you've marked up your manuscript a lot, do another draft.

3. Be self-critical

If you haven't marked up your manuscript a lot, you did a lazy job. Only God gets things right the first time. Don't be a slob.

4. Remove every extraneous word

You want to get up on a soapbox and preach? Fine. Get one and try your local park. You want to write for money? Get to the point. And if you remove all the excess garbage and discover you can't find the point, tear up what you wrote and start all over again . . . or try something new.

5. Never look at a reference book while doing a first draft

You want to write a story? Fine. Put away your dictionary, your encyclopedias, your World Almanac, and your thesaurus. Better yet, throw your thesaurus into the wastebasket. The only things creepier than a thesaurus are those little paperbacks college students too lazy to read the assigned novels buy around exam time. Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule. You think you might have misspelled a word? O.K., so here is your choice: either look it up in the dictionary, thereby making sure you have it right - and breaking your train of thought and the writer's trance in the bargain - or just spell it phonetically and correct it later. Why not? Did you think it was going to go somewhere? And if you need to know the largest city in Brazil and you find you don't have it in your head, why not write in Miami, or Cleveland? You can check it ... but later. When you sit down to write, write. Don't do anything else except go to the bathroom, and only do that if it absolutely cannot be put off.

6. Know the markets

Only a dimwit would send a story about giant vampire bats surrounding a high school to McCall's. Only a dimwit would send a tender story about a mother and daughter making up their differences on Christmas Eve to Playboy ... but people do it all the time. I'm not exaggerating; I have seen such stories in the slush piles of the actual magazines. If you write a good story, why send it out in an ignorant fashion? Would you send your kid out in a snowstorm dressed in Bermuda shorts and a tank top? If you like science fiction, read the magazines. If you want to write confession stories, read the magazines. And so on. It isn't just a matter of knowing what's right for the present story; you can begin to catch on, after awhile, to overall rhythms, editorial likes and dislikes, a magazine's entire slant. Sometimes your reading can influence the next story, and create a sale.

7. Write to entertain

Does this mean you can't write "serious fiction"? It does not. Somewhere along the line pernicious critics have invested the American reading and writing public with the idea that entertaining fiction and serious ideas do not overlap. This would have surprised Charles Dickens, not to mention Jane Austen, John Steinbeck, William Faulkner, Bernard Malamud, and hundreds of others. But your serious ideas must always serve your story, not the other way around. I repeat: if you want to preach, get a soapbox.

8. Ask yourself frequently, "Am I having fun?"

The answer needn't always be yes. But if it's always no, it's time for a new project or a new career.

9. How to evaluate criticism

Show your piece to a number of people - ten, let us say. Listen carefully to what they tell you. Smile and nod a lot. Then review what was said very carefully. If your critics are all telling you the same thing about some facet of your story - a plot twist that doesn't work, a character who rings false, stilted narrative, or half a dozen other possibles - change that facet. It doesn't matter if you really liked that twist of that character; if a lot of people are telling you something is wrong with you piece, it is. If seven or eight of them are hitting on that same thing, I'd still suggest changing it. But if everyone - or even most everyone - is criticizing something different, you can safely disregard what all of them say.

10. Observe all rules for proper submission

Return postage, self-addressed envelope, all of that.

11. An agent? Forget it. For now

Agents get 10% of monies earned by their clients. 10% of nothing is nothing. Agents also have to pay the rent. Beginning writers do not contribute to that or any other necessity of life. Flog your stories around yourself. If you've done a novel, send around query letters to publishers, one by one, and follow up with sample chapters and/or the manuscript complete. And remember Stephen King's First Rule of Writers and Agents, learned by bitter personal experience: You don't need one until you're making enough for someone to steal ... and if you're making that much, you'll be able to take your pick of good agents.

12. If it's bad, kill it
When it comes to people, mercy killing is against the law. When it comes to fiction, it is the law.

That's everything you need to know. And if you listened, you can write everything and anything you want. Now I believe I will wish you a pleasant day and sign off.

My ten minutes are up.

copyright © Stephen King

vienna,austria

last night, i slept later than i should have bearing in mind i had to wake up early to go to the market and then quickly get ready for work. however, i had some domestic matters to settle ( being the eldest girl happens to bring these sorta responsibilities with it) so,then after a leisurely shower (oodles more enjoyable than the hastened showers in the icky hostel bathroom cubicles), i got into bed and proceeded to fall asleep.that was the plan..i was thinking bout wei zheng though.as i have been. increasedly of late..missing him.wondering how he was and which part of the world he was in. i had a good weekend of leisure and among my activities was reading through his now neglected blog. it was fascinating, even more so than the first time i read it. it was like dissecting literature, it had so much substance in form and structure. it was like taking a peep at him and his life before i knew him. anyways, i was really trying to fall asleep then my handphone starts vibrating. i don't know if i was almost asleep and woke up with a jerk or was just wandering in my mind, but i grabbed my phone, answered it and it was him=D. i heard the noises from a sidewalk perhaps, people and activity swirling behind him. i imagined a sidewalk cafe amidst a quaint row of shops. he was calling from vienna, austria. yes, i do know where vienna is=p. i was thrilled to hear from him.
anyways, since i can't be there with him everytime he goes somewhere i go on the internet and look it up,read about it,look at pictures.he says he'll bring me next time. i'm looking forward to it. so,here's some of what i read bout vienna. when he was in olomouc, i went to the website too. just so i could try to imagine where he was..



vienna

-Culture

Music, theatre and opera


Art and culture have a long tradition in Vienna, in the areas of theatre, opera and the fine arts. Aside from the Burgtheater which, together with its branch, the Akademie theater is considered one of the best theatres in the German - speaking world, the Volkstheater and the Theater in der Josefstadt also offer high - quality theatre entertainment. Also, there is a multitude of smaller theatres, often equal in quality to their larger counterparts and in many cases devoted to less mainstream forms of performing arts such as modern, experimental plays or cabaret.


Vienna also offers a great many opportunities for fans of the opera: The Staatsoper and the Volksoper offer something for everyone, the latter being especially devoted to the typical Viennese operetta. Concerts of classical music are performed, among others, in the well - known Great Hall of the Wiener Musikverein and in the Wiener Konzerthaus. In addition, various concert venues offer concerts aimed at visitors, featuring the best known highlights of Viennese music (particularly the works of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Johann Strauss).


In recent years, the Theater an der Wien has become widely known for hosting premieres of musicals. The most successful by far was "Elisabeth" which was afterwards translated into several foreign languages and performed all over the world. With the opening of the Haus der Musik in 2000, Vienna also has a "Museum of Sound" for all ages now.


Finally, many Roman Catholic churches in central Vienna feature performances of religious or other music, including masses sung with classical music and organ.



Museums


In the Hofburg, the Sisi Museum allows visitors to see the emperor's apartments as well as the silver chamber. Directly opposite the Hofburg is the Kunsthistorisches Museum (along with Vienna's Natural History Museum) that houses multiple paintings by the old masters.


Architecture


There are buildings of all architectural styles in Vienna, from the Romanesque Ruprechtskirche to the Baroque Karlskirche, and classicist buildings all the way through to modern architecture. Likewise, Art Nouveau left many architectural traces in Vienna. The Secession, Karlsplatz Metropolitan Railway Station, and the Kirche am Steinhof by Otto Wagner rank among the best known examples of Art Nouveau in the world.


Other culture


Between Michaelerplatz and Josefsplatz is the Spanish Riding School. It is a famous equestrian school.


In terms of folk dancing, the Viennese Kathreintanz is the best known.

facade

so, we meet and part and meet again as years wear on and all at once you feel it all rush back and then not. and what is it you try to prove to yourself and to them? that time has indeed been kind to you and harsh to them? and which them, for each of them has a different inflection of hurt or is it hurt? or merely the symptoms of time and loss. for each day we lose something, each minute passes, never to be gotten again. and yet if we choose, each minute we gain and grow and prosper and laugh in the face of what time bears. so, we hold on to old hurts and though we heal, we sometimes cant stop trying to ease and make up for the past hurt. like, how a discarded girlfriend sees him later in life and still wonders if he regrets, and wishes he did. just to ease the hurt that once stung. there is a quotation, we are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care about. could it be that we really stop caring anyhows? if we did, what would it matter what he thinks. or what anyone else thinks for that matter? why do we always care so much what others think of us? old friends, new friends, acquaintances, colleagues, even people on the street who seemingly glare and stare and mock inwardly. or hostel mates, or friends of friends, and housemates of friends, and the list goes on and on and on. it should'nt matter what the one who left you thinks as long as you know what the one you're with thinks? it should'nt matter what friends who aren't really friends think as long as you know what your true friends think. it matters most, i think, what your family thinks and those closest to you. and mostly..what you yourself think of who you are and the course of your actions and the consequences which follow. and why bother always explaining to those who don't understand. just so you're not misunderstood?

musical baton..for you sherry

Total volume of music files on my computer: 5.74GB,more on my ipod.hee
The last CD I bought: hmm. passionate classics. seriously. helped tremendously during my late night,early morning study sessions and essay rushing season. (Do u noe how much a blinking CD costs in sg??)
Song playing right now: Collide-Howie Day (Sherry!!I want the rascal flatts song!!!)
Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me: (just what comes to mind now-not necessarily steadfast choices)
(i) Win-Brian Mcknight.my exam theme song.worked the first few times back in form 5 and form 6.seems to be fading.sighhh
(ii) You were meant for me-Jewel. It’s the 1st song that comes to mind everytime I plan to sing out loud with an audience.besides, it sounds good when I do a duet with marie or mel.
(iii) Here,There and Everywhere-The Beatles. It was song to me over the phone. I swooned,melted and jumped up and down inside simultaneously.
(iv) Canon in D-Pachelbel.it’s just so beautiful.definitely in my future wedding playlist.besides wooi min and I agree that the crescendo sounds like a soundtrack for being right below the sun,reaching out to God.We even have corresponding actions=p.drama queens.
(v) Own Me-Ginny Owens. when I want to be reminded that I belong to God.


Five people to whom I’m passing the baton:
Marie-wonder what she listens to now
Wei zheng- duh.
Mel- forcing her to choose from her many many faves
Al-he has funky taste..and he reads my blog.i think
Terrence-even funkier taste


a real post when i've regained the heart to feel and write..

The beginning of a whole string of random thoughts..unleashed..

The beginning of a whole string of random thoughts..unleashed..

Thursday.10.48pm.may 18th.blogging on my Microsoft word first. awaiting a time when I can go online in peace to post. doesn’t quite feel the same, since I usually write directly onto blogger’s new post window. Besides,the spell check is annoying. I don’t want textbook punctuation on my blog!!where then lies freedom of speech and poetic license?..
License.It’s marie’s 21st birthday tomorrow.i so wish I had an idd calling card so I can call her to wish her.didn’t get to go out to get one though.shucks.oh well.still can get it tmr. probably past midnite where she is in Dunedin,New Zealand anyways.still her birthday tmr. haha. eventhough she din call or wish me on mine.=p.if ur reading this sweetie,I forgive you=).but dun want u to feel that sadness too=p.dear dear marie..
marie.gawsh.miss her so much.so much has happened for both of us since we last met.we need loadsa catching up time..
Time.fleeting isn’t it?sometimes..excruciatingly slow at others and almost at a standstill in between.of course the moments that you wanna slowly breathe in just whisk by as you desperately,flailingly grab at its snatches.and when its gone ,you look back.not always.only when you have the time to stop and remember do you look back and slowly sift the moments,replaying them in your memory.and always,almost always,the good outshines the bad,the happy overwhelms the sad.not necessarily in quantity but in magnitude and potency.if you’re a perpetual optimist that is;)
Silly random thoughts,driving the readers crazy.how many consistent,regular readers do I have anyways?sigh.do you even know what I mean when I hurl all this gibberish?i’m not just crapping you know.you should know by now my crypticism always always hides something much much deeper..
Deeper.it always so happens that when you think you may just have the heart and strength to let it go,something happens or something is said or done that just mocks you and asks..why?why on earth would you wanna let it go?inherent,inate tendency to make things go wrong and prove that you can and should be miserable?I think it’s truly truly odd that someone can feel so deeply for a person and yet have the gut to entertain thoughts of severing ties with that person.a big lie to one’s self I suppose.and what for anyways,to prevent hurt?inflict pain ala sado-masochist in order to prevent future pain.fear?insecurity because of perpetual optimism and possibly futile hope?I am going on and on.and probably don’t make sense.funny.it’s easier to type this stuff than to write it in my journal..typing it doesn’t seem so permanent I guess.as temporal as the thoughts which flutter by.then again I don’t suppose you read this,do you?is it so wrong for a girl to believe in fairytales and want to be treated like a princess?and to want to be treasured and cherished?I mean I do see how a lot of these ideals have to be compromised and adapted to life’s inconsistencies but still,in essence..can’t I be the princess of someone’s heart?..
Heart.isn’t it such a funny,fascinating concept.there’s the physical heart,the organ which pumps blood into your veins or something like that.(don’t cringe, you science students=p)(this rambling is so gonna bore wooi min..sorry gal,will try to put pics up soon)and there’s like losing your heart to that someone special ,the love of your life, which is related to losing heart as in losing hope or any will to believe in something.and when your “heart” hurts,it sometimes physically hurts too,like you just can’t breathe and like the whole world is just closing in on you.where your heart is,there you will be.that is so so true.so many a time we try to realign our hearts,change our hearts,mould our hearts,relocate our hearts.which “heart” exactly are we trying to deal with here?
Here.here is home for me now.kinda.like I said home is where the heart is.but is my heart at home?I’m really trying.ohh,I hear the tv outside.American idol starting in a bit.more on that and how I got hooked like just another silly fan.sigh…


(in installments due to inaccessibility to internet and then some..)

Here, There And Everywhere

Here, There And Everywhere

To lead a better life I need my love to be here...

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

To be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere


couldn't you just melt?..imagine if someone sang it to you..;)

more and more desperate....

From: 
 Goh I-Mei
 Sent: 
 Fri 4/8/2005 11:19 AM

 To: 
 Lim Swee Huat, Walter, Dr

 Cc: 
 

 Subject: 
 RE:essay 2


 Attachments: 


View As Web Page







Dear Sir,

I am currently working on my second essay. It is hours away from the deadline, and i beseech you kind sir, to give me a one day extension (not even 24 hours if need be).I must confess that i have in fact been trying to conceptualize a coherent and exciting essay destined for an A for a while now, however my past week has been filled with other essay deadlines,presentations and a test, moreover i was ill for a couple of days. i realize sir, that none of this is your problem but i do entreat to your compassion.I do have an approach and have begun writing the essay; my title is "The Portrayal of Eve’s inherent inclination towards failure in Milton’s representation of the Fall", however i doubt i may be able to deliver an essay worthy of your perusal without adequate time to edit.

Also, Sir,a lot is riding on this essay for me as my scholarship is on probation and this semester is critical for me, and i would not like to turn in shoddy work.Do forgive me if my request seems impertinent, and i do hope you consider and send a favourable reply soon.

Thank you for your kind attention


Best Regards,
I-Mei

desperate times call for desperate measures...

From: 
 Goh I-Mei

 Sent: 
 Mon 4/4/2005 12:41 AM

 To: 
 Wee Su-Lin,Valerie

 Cc: 
 
 Subject: 
 RE: 2nd essay

 Attachments: 

View As Web Page

Dear Dr Wee,

In the midst of avidly writing my rather stressful 2nd essay, i was hoping to find out a couple of things from you.I'm not sure if any of my queries are inappropriate and i am sure you will inform me if so..=)

anyway,I'm doing my essay on Saved.and my current title is Representations and Ideology in the film "Saved".Does that sound like i'm trying to cover too much ground? and do you think i should focus on either one,let's say..representations and take a close look at each of the characters,what they represent..etc?on the other hand, i think the representations come hand in hand wiht the ideologies that make this film distinct or at least worth talking about and if i go on with these 2 foci, could  i split the representations part as reflected by the characters into more than 1 paragraph?

I'm not sure if these are rather silly questions to be asking you,but as you know,i really want/need to make this essay a much better piece of work..i understand if these questions should'nt be answered by you.however,thank you for taking the time to read this email.


Best Regards,
i-mei

seven...

if who i am is what i have and what i have is lost..then who am i?
i recall being very fond of this particular quote.because it says so much.when ppl would ask me what i was good at,i used to think..hmm.writing.thats what i always believed cause thats what ppl told me.at least my grades back then reflected it too.but now..i dunno why..why?! why?! why?!...churning out an essay (a lit essay usually) in uni seems to be the one thing which sets me in a crazy state of frenzy,anxiety,agitation,inadequacy,depression,panic..etc etc and of course the word i hate using.."stress".this coming from the looming deadlines of 2 lit essays and 1 jap essay..not to mention having 2 presentations and a test in the same week.not to mention having to study for my finals which will be in 3 weeks time!!!!!!!!!!

sigh.this is not helping.so anyways,if i thought i could associate myself with being a good writer and now im not so sure anymore..then..? then..? then who am i? then what AM i good at anyways? i know.. cooking.hee.cooking is therapeutic.and living on my own, im free to try out whatever my imagination comes up with.budget being my only limitation.within a week i have attempted 3 new dishes..grilled fish on the bbq,oven baked macaroni special and..i marinated all the chicken for a block bbq tonight by sheer feel.maybe i should just drop out of uni and cook.but but.i thought i was smart .or at least i could be smart.it's just that its's....

IT'S APRIL!!!!!!!!oh gosh.it's sinking in.IT'S APRIL!!
that means finals start this month.and next month i'll be going home..for the holidays.where i'll be occupied with work..a whole new playground where stress prevails.*sweat*
the word scholarship is flitting at the top of my mind now..but no.shan't mention it...shan't...

can you believe it?in spite of all this...i'm happy=).seven is a special number.7 days in a week.7 wonders of the world.7 colours of the spectrum. etc etc.sigh.i have my own reasons to celebrate the number.and yet,gotta focus on the task at hand.tasksssss more like.

notice by this point im so unconcerned with what the general reading community will make of my blog.as in structure wise..is it artsy?does it sound philosophical..whatever.instead it's fragments of random thoughts..random crazy thoughts..




words cannot describe
nor begin
to depict
nor paint
the colours of this place

where all enmeshed
and intertwined
sun and rain and mess
sliver my batteredness
and scoop me up with glee
take it all away
and only make me see

the rainbow's seven hues
so brilliantly displayed
split to reveal its beauty
so pierce me too
that i may glimmer shine and gleam
and steal away from all that seems

words cannot unveil
nor attempt
to portray
nor freeze
the moments in this place

turned 21

=)

turning 21...

twenty one candles all aglow, a delectable cake illuminated, a blurry crowd surrounding ...balloons and fanfare? , and then the crowd fades and there is only you.or maybe there isn't a crowd even, a handful of close friends? perhaps.but at the end of it all,it boils down to you.just you.that's what birthdays are about anyway.so you can crave the fanfare,the celebration,the party but birthdays i guess are all about introspection. looking back, looking within, and looking ahead.

so,where were we?ah yes, twenty one candles all aglow, a delectable cake illuminated, a blurry crowd surrounding , balloons and fanfare? and then we zoom out of the scene, hurtling, spiraling, through the hazy tunnel of experiences, compendium of memories, fragments of moments..compendium.i like that word.when i was little i used to have boxed sets which called themselves.."a compendium of games".those tackily colured box of games which i would frequently play with myself, which i would frequently get on prizegiving day for out-guessing evryone else in your not so bright primary school class during final exams.that's what it was anyway,was'nt it? just a matter of out-guessing everyone else.back then at least.
so,hurtling,spinning,spiraling, thorugh the years which brought me here on the brink tomorrow, and all i have is.....? what have i achieved, where have i gotten?
i used to think i had it all.maybe because so many people kept saying it that i started to believe in it...
so here i am.in university.struggling to regain any sense of being above average as i was so prone to find myself back in the day."back in the day,back in the day" another phrase which fascinates me.where ever did i adopt it from anyway? probably some movie with a clownish bunch of old fogeys sitting,commiserating about their hey days,while shaking their heads disapprovingly at "youngsters these days"."why,back in the day,we would hustle ourselves outta bed to the farm and milk cows before the cock even started to crow,"back in the day,back in the day.and then they'd blisfully dwell on old memories and sigh,back in the day,back in the day.

what's so wrong with being "average" anyway? by whose standards? but no,have to do my utter best, i-mei.always this desperate magnetic attraction towards that elusive realm of being "the best possible version of myself".in every blinking way.pathetic almost ,come to think of it.what is being the best anyhow? any state of progression from where you once were? best is the end result of "better"? good,better,best in chronological order.and then what? demotion from best to less than best?
in history,in sociology,we argue, what is progress anyway? what is development?are we better than who our ancestors were hundreds of years ago?just because of scientific revolutions,industrial development, a heightened awareness of the world around us? humanism? capitalism? who's to say they weren't better off then? sure,women's equality is great but other than that? after all, we designed these paradigms, we came up with words like revolution and science anyway.even comparing between cultures,forget about difference in time and era,in the same day and age, are those who do not drive cars and wear as much clothing as us,"less refined","less civilized" just because they don't fit into our definition of civilization? mind boggling huh?
so,,here we are ,ultimately alone to face your own journey,save of course God and your family and friends but ultimately alone.Is God pleased with me anyhow? the thought scares me.on my 21st bday and always,is God pleased? and if he isn't,what the heck am i doing about it? are mummy and daddy pleased? is anyone at all pleased with me?
who i was,
who i've become
and who i will be?

ultimately,
am
i
pleased?

then again life is a journey not a destination.a process not a stagnant state.bettering one's self or at least the attempt is always a good thing.stretching ourselves to reach new heights.new dimensions.
so,here i am.
i have not written a book.
i have not scaled a mountain.
i have not donated any organs to any poor soul who needs any.
i have not swum across the English Channel.
i have not bungee-jumped or para-sailed.
i have not discovered the cure for the common cold.
i have not won an oscar or a grammy.
i have not found the way to obtain world peace.

but
i have written numerous poems to appreciate my loved ones.
i have often walked distances with an aim in mind.
i have donated my time and effort towards chasing away tears of others.
i have braved my own oceans of doubt.
i have swung on a trapeze and cycled downhill,for a moment flying.
i have strived towards obtaining knowledge and a sound education, excelled in quite a few exams.
i have found joy performing onstage several times, and sing my heart out frequently.
i have tried to advocate peace in my immediate surroundings.

i have known joy,sorrow,fear,excitement,anticipation,pleasure,disappointment,shock,giddyness,pride,doubt,etc
and most all
i have known love...

here i am
and I have lived,
that in itself is my achievement.
my destiny
my legacy.
and i shall keep on striving to be the best possible version of myself and to be a light, in the blackest darkness.
and celebrate birthdays.even if only within.
looking back, looking within, and looking ahead.

"Beautiful Disaster"

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
It just ain’t right

Oh and i don’t know
I don’t know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searchin for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars..

i sleep to dream you.where in wilful moments,there is only you,and me.just being in the warmth of your presence,the glee of your embrace.and while it lingers,it gently flees,then not so gently,snatched away by the puppeteer.the strings get tangled,a couple snap.but i am not free.and the audience from laughing, jeer and mock and wait in a variety of expectations almost as if just waiting to see you fall and break.a mere marionette?all the world is a stage,we costume our insecurities and mask our ignorance,dance the tune unchoreographed.where are the jumps,the spring into exhilaration until there's floating,away,away from what was.unbundled by the strings,splattered in to a colourful field of dreams,skipping with the stars.flitting with the butterflies.
i sleep to dream you and only you.where i am blissfully lost in your gaze , in your hold.the stage fades away,away.and there is only you..for me.but sleep is fleeting,grasping,grappling and then it slips away,away.i wake up,and there is only me..and all the things that threaten and make me fear.and all the messes just waiting to be cleared,and all the pinacles to live up to..
i wake up,..and there is only me..

do not let yourself be ruled by your heart,for the heart is prone to folly..and folly leads to despair..

be it cursed for one to have a heart which pounds louder than the one alongside it?be it cursed for one to feel more deeply than the other?shame on the first then to wear its heart on its sleeve.or is it so?when beatrice joanna conspired with de flores in "the changeling" to kill off her bethrothed just so she could be with the one she truly loved,alsemero..why is it that it had to be she to take fate and justice into her own hands.could not alsemero in his superior position as man take a more domineering role to prove his proclaimed love?and how is it that beatrice joanna in sacrificing her honour merely to be with the one she loved ends up severely persecuted in her lover's eye.
a friend of mine said that a friend of hers said that,every minute,every hour,every day,every week...every moment..it is always the woman on the losing end.equality still has a long way to go then.is the fairer sex then the weaker sex?weak to let your heart so loose as to feel,weak to let your heart soar and take its own fancies,weak to let it rule you..liv tyler said in the movie"that thing you do".."shame on me for closing my eyes everytime we kissed.."i don't remember the rest but i took it to mean,shame on me that i was so in love and closed my eyes to savour the moment that i didnt see that the feeling wasnt mutual.i remember tearing at that line.
i still hang on to fairytales.to the idea of happily ever after.the prince charming may be elusive though.and so as the fairer sex we are supposed to put on an iron mask,cage our silly fancies to retain any semblance of self respect or self worth...?

"govern your passions before they govern you "..


scorn and mock the very heart
that pines and longs for you
until the day you find yourself
alone and bruised and blue
pining for the very heart that has flitted off elsewhere
to pastures greener than the one which simply didnt care
scoff and dismiss the very one
who cared and gave her all
until the day you look around
and see there's no one when you fall
no loving arms to pick you up and wash away the pain
you lay amongst ur useless treasures underneath the rain

.............

i just don't know what to write or how to write.all that swirls within me and drags my heart to its pits flow not in words.articulation fails me...till a brighter day..

2005

each second you can be reborn,
each second there can be a new beginning,
it is choice
it is your choice...

you are everything that is,
your thoughts,
your life,
your dreams come true,
you are everything you choose to be.
you are as unlimited as the endless universe.

my theme for 2005.