Tis' the season to be jolly

My heart is bursting with christmassy feelings, tugged by Christmas carols, swayed by red and green. My blog however has been dismal. Once again i lament how time just flies. Leaving me in a whirlwind of to do lists. I wish i could slow it down so i could relive my December, get everything in shape. Really savour the moments.
Yesterday i got my Christmas wrapping done. Finished my christmas shopping. Squeezed in a nice al fresco bagel lunch at the Bean. Did laundry. Cleaned and tidied my room. (Gets to a point in one's life when you just can't find too many things you know you own that you have to do a mini overhaul). Watched 2 dvds. HIlarious, laugh-out loud numbers (Heartbreak kid with Ben stiller & the chuck & larry with adam sandler)And made my mum's birthday card. Even cooked dinner for bro and i. Quite a productive day i must say. The only gloomy thing bout it being that i am now so broke.
What a lovely time to have a public holiday i must say. With the folks away, the mice get busy!
Lotsa fun happy days ahead..fa la la la la la.

it's november

ohmygosh. my last post was so long ago. ok ok, i can see now why my friends have been grumbling.
i had this deep desire to blog on friday the 2nd of november. this is how it would have went...

how was your day today?
mine started at 5.50am when roxie, our exuberant dog started barking and howling and barking and barking and howling. you get the picture. Now i am a light sleeper. so i woke up. wondering what the ruckus was about. afraid that if i opened my balcony door to check it out some black masked figure would appear at the grilles. i tried peering through the glass doors, to see if anything was amiss. couldn't see shit. our other older dog was lying peacefully sleeping. finally i summoned up the courage to step onto the balcony and look out at the road. nothing. but roxie kept barking. it was about 6.10am when i walked downstairs to investigate. and discovered that the maid had run away.

geez.

this is not amusing.
at all.

what a chicken. what an ass. what a blinking wuss.

anyways. shall save the juicy bits for this i'm gonna write based on my experience with maids. bitter experiences, mind you.

anyways.
an update in pictures...

massive purge

in order of things i've been wanting to blog about. my mouse died. i got a cheapo rm25 replacement for purely functional reasons (you know how girls would always go for the prettiest looking mouse or speakers but this time i had to be practical.

this is what my old mouse looked like. i got it from sim lin in singapore years ago.
this is how it died...
and this is my new hideous wonder. sigh.


i've finally got the latest mandy moore album i've been waiting for.
there's a song on it called all good things and at first i thought it was such a nice happy song. but then it's all good things..come to an end. how apt. no? sigh. i also got nelly furtado, and i can't help liking the music on this one despite the highly sexually charged lyrics on some. hey, i like the beats, k. next i will be buying timbaland. and of course, no trip to the mall is complete without getting a few dvds to shake my weekend up.
this last weekend i got started with designing xmas cards for santa's workshop to get going.



it's that time of year again. i also managed to scrap this.
and took my sister out for a movie, Hairspray and some shopping, just me and her. it was swell. this is probably the start of a new level in our relationship, a new phase as she gets older.

hung out a lot with my folks. maybe so i wasn't so alone. but then i watch my movies and of course every romantic scene reminds me of what we had(have?), and the uncertainty of it all.

and now i am down with the doggone flu. shucks.

........

when words fail...

learning to breathe

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

this post was going to start off completely differently. but then i came across the above quotation. i spend the end of each day these days, alone in my bed, grappling for comforts of the past and my now elusive hold of the future. i sleep earlier but it is a fitful sleep. and i think my heart is crying.

perhaps i should chant to myself;
live in the present, live in the present.
but in my present, he is not here. and i don't know where he'll be in the future. which is what sparked this whole trauma, of course.

for now, i shall just learn to breathe. and focus on other things in my present and my chosen future. my career, the business i am helping to build, the craft i am honing. think of how to garner more income. think of how to be a better daughter, sister, friend. think of how to be nicer, kinder, better, stronger. healthier, even.

it is harder to breathe now. and the tears store themselves in my imposed cement refuge.

but i am still me. ain't i?
and i am okay. by myself. aren't i?
this is the goal. to say i am. no matter what.

merdeka day

before composing this post i read what i blogged about last merdeka day. it is fun to see progress, change, growth. perhaps i'm achieving my own independence. today i feel good about myself, about my life. i've gone on at great lengths about merdeka over here so i shan't walk down that road again.
with one area of my life, a huge area really, one that i delineate much time and effort and energy and mostly heart to; things seems, heck, things are shaky and uncertain but perhaps (at least for now), i can be strong and have faith. i want to be... self-sufficient, in a way that no one can take away my sense of self, my sense of worth. i want to be able to face anything and still have myself intact. self. what a strange concept. someone wise once told me that in finding one's self, you would ultimately find that there is no crystallized self to be discovered.
i hate the feeling of thinking myself victimised, or oppressed. whatever choices, whatever life, i choose. chose. was chosen for. it is true, being overemotional does put one at a disadvantage. and oversentimental. and too romantic. oh give me sense, more sense and sensibility.
i have rekindled a friendship with an old classmate. isn't that nice? especially when even before it was a somewhat volatile friendship, to have suddenly each grown up to fit into each other's lives and be able to understand each other and be understood. this morning, we woke up early on our public holiday, went to the botanical gardens to walk, then pop over to the wet market to have breakfast and for me to do the marketing. she even helped me carry my fish and veg. thank God for friends. i had a great time and all before 10am. thanks dee.
went home, showered. cooked lunch for my family. ate said lunch. helped sarah plan her study timetable. (now this is one thing i have a knack for) she shared with me high school musical 2 tunes, and then begged me to let her give me a makeover. in other words, put make up on my face. then i did hers. and we took pictures. i am glad for spending time together without her getting hostile. so that's what this 14 year old is into now. make up. hmm. sigh. growing up too fast.
there is still light left in the day and i'm going to help dad scrub down garden urns while he and bro plant trees into our barren garden. the day is turning out deliciously. though i fear tomorrow. and what it may or may not bring. and how i should or can react. and whether hearts will be broken, and if so, whose?
but for now i will give thanks for this day. for independence. for peace. for my nation. for my family. for friends. for my hair that now takes me only 1 minute to do every morning;). and for everything my God has brought me through and will...

in 2 days i will live in a palace, with a view

just because i wanna keep the momentum going.
in my attempt to blog regularly. i count this as tuesday night ,k so this is a daily occurence now.
drove home alone today. solitude is sometimes a luxury, especially when driving.
drove to the new place, greeted by classical music playing. so posh. so exciting. curtains all up, the living room feels like it could be a ballroom in a jane austen book, but not in an old fashioned way. i can't wait to live there. in 2 days i will. my eyes tear as i look around at the home my folks have provided for us. (not entirely rent free=p) did i already say i can see the sea from my room balcony?
dinner with folks which included steamed fish, which is always a luxury. then home to pack, and make boxes and cut up bubble wrap eventhough i was pooped.
showered again at 1 am, and in the shower it hit me that my blog is linked to my facebook. which is a little troubling, as now my inner sometime geek-ness is now exposed to my elite facebook entourage.
crikey.
but oh what the heck.
i peeked at my baby sister sleeping today. which doesn't happen so often these days. she isn't so baby these days, she is nearly as tall as me. she is a teenager. in sleep she is the sweetest thing on earth, awake she could be. sometimes.

voyeur

the dictionary function on my microsoft word for mac makes me giggle as i look for the exact definition of my title. so as not to twitch noses, or raise eyebrows. nevertheless, i'm sticking with it.

curious?

voyeur.
look it up.
and don't be cheeky.

tiptoed a little beyond my regular daily links on the world wide web. chanced upon some interesting blogs, there are people who i can relate to after all, whom i actually know but never knew that well. you see what having someone's blog url can do; direct access.
eye opener; people (regular type people not attention seeking whores from pre-adolescence) freely discuss their brazilians in their blogs! shocker. nyuk nyuk.
then again there are those like me whose blogs are like convoluted mazes whisking through mere sneaks and peeks of the true person behind such opaque ramblings. so much for direct access. care for a puzzle anyone?

so what does this tell me?

write more.
be real. attempt to not hang the veil so thickly over my words.
in simple words..don't care so much what people think.
yet its scary isn't it? i'm not as thick skinned as you may think. you may write something, share something, never knowing who'll read it and what they'll make of it.
tricksey.

mei needs a social life.
i make too many excuses for myself and haven't yet mastered the art of being useful and ever present during the weekend and catering to domestic necessities and also having family time while having me time. my weekends aren't very long after all. perhaps after the move. but then i'll love the house and my room EVEN more. more reasons to stay home on a saturday night.

now this ain't so hard. i used to say i want to blog everyday, then i'd make it so evry post is an event in itself, and the censoring, dear Lord, takes forever. by that i mean omitting the personal details, to protect the privacy of the people around me, the place i work etc. so complicated! hiak.

i do feel a slight ever so slight sense of liberation now. i can write more and try to worry less.

some things to smile about today:
got my moleskine prizes in the mail
had a mini karaoke session with sarah=p

is there an artist inside you?

Artmakr Weekend!

When was the last time you picked up a brush, or a pencil, or a crayon?

How did that feel? Whether you think back to yesterday, or many many years ago, you probably recall a feeling of pure freedom and bliss. This is an invitation to feel that bliss again, and to show your art, in-front of an encouraging and supporting audience. A safe audience. This is also an invitation, to be that audience.

Introducing: Artmakr Weekend!

An online themed art exhibition, that YOU are invited to participate in. Stick-men and Master Paintings are all welcome to mingle with one another. See you there!

Still here?Great, help us extend this invitation, by re-posting this article on your blog, or emailing it to your artist friend (we know you have one)
Is there an artist inside you? We think so.

Create!

my blog was getting boring

my blog was getting boring. so i put up some pictures of a recent project. using elsie's amazing toby range from the love,elsie collection. elsie flannigan is an inspiration to me, every time i read her blog or browse her layouts i am spurred on. her photos are phenomenal. mine are crap a lot of the time.
sigh.
well, we all gotta start somewhere.
needless to say, i have been busy with work, and preparing to move house with my family. nevertheless i am intent on blogging more and letting my blog reflect me more, the way these scrapbook celebs have theirs. as much as they are well known figures, i guess the scrapbooking clan are generally a down to earth species. the world wide web is seriously amazing cos u can read a scrapbook magazine then like a particular designer's style and her articles then google her on the net then keep her bookmark for a direct link to her life and times and scrapbooking lines. how neat is that? a little freaky too but hey times are a-changing.
am attempting to write more. i do dabble with BW
and been thinking of writing for this much more politically, socially potent platform for influential writing and will also maybe write for this booming new fabulous website from one of the founders of 30dayartist
apart from my day job. and other regular stuff regular adult 23 year olds do. then again not so regular since i'm a bit of an oddball.
on a totally unrelated point, i am so thrilled bout the new rapid penang buses. not that i have taken a public bus in penang for the past few years but that is exactly my point. the new buses seem very civilised! i am thrilled that penang is moving up in the public transportation area. whoohoo.
more to come...

some sundays are tops

i had a great sunday.
which is not to say that i did nothing contributive to the general public.
which is not to say that i had the whole day all to myself.
but it was great.
nuff said.

The past lurks...

So goodbye
Will you please step out of my dreams
So much for building the friendship now that the attempt to do the awkward dance
Is over and done with
So much for being the bigger person
So goodbye
The deliberate snub was so unnecessary
But thanks for that one little last slam
To make me tougher stronger independent
So much for being the mature one
And that was one thing I was grateful for
So goodbye
Now please stop haunting my dreams
I imagine your killer stare
The cold fierce one
And I am terrified
I thought you were the teddy bear
Why the hell do you still have a hold on me
Why should I care why should it bother me
That you’ve neglected to reply
Over and over
Deliberately repeatedly making me feel to blame
And shitty again and again
But it wasn’t all me
And where would you be now anyways
If I hadn’t been so bold
You would run faster than the swiftest wildebeest
At the slightest peep of the shit I’ve had to go through since
And it has been years now
So where’s your courtesy
I never wanted to say the final goodbye
But now you’ve wedged it in my chest
Thank you for making me feel like an incessant pest
And why should I even care
So goodbye
Will you please stay out of my dreams


..

must be different

my dad always says..
must be different la u! in a tone of slight disgust and annoyance at my failure to conform.
like when everyone orders wan tan mee thin one, i'd want fat one.
or when everyone orders hokkien mee, i'd want the maggi mee version.
or when people want the white sugar man chang kueh, i want the brown sugar one.
hey, i'm adventurous. and anyways, im not different ALL THE TIME.
so i'm an individual.
so anyways, last saturday nite bro n i drove over to gurney drive to get tau fu fah for the folks.
yes we were sitting at home doing our stuff on a SATURDAY nite. hey working folks like to enjoy their saturday nites,k. besides parents were away for few days before and we wanted to be home. so we landed in soyaland. aand of course i wanted the tau fu fah with BROWN sugar. rebel that i am.
saturday nite ate beancurd jelly with longan. tau fu fah in fridge.
sunday nite, had crepes for dessert. tau fu fah in fridge.
mon nite. bang bang bang on my door.
OEI! leave ur TFF in fridge for so long. summore BROWN sugar no one else wants. so i go down to eat my TFF.
and..
UGH.
with brown sugar it tastes like pi pa gao and tau hu.
lesson learnt.
sometimes the majority is right. and has good taste.

p/s for those not used to the pi pa gaoslang/spelling it is some old man brand cough mixture thick and bblackish brown kinda sweet, very useful for throat problems, not a friendly dessert tho.

creative outlet

the joy of creating something makes your weekend worthwhile..

ryoma japanese restaurant

post in old vein (limited viewpoint)

today mum took us 3, siblings for lunch at ryoma japanese restaurant. its a relatively new spot along jln tanjung tokong..the food was yummy and i certainly was tickled by their choice of earthenware crockery and their pumpkin green tea pot. yes it looked like an actual pumpkin. lotsa of choices, and the menu features many pictures of the food so you'd have a very clear idea of what you'll be eating.

etc etc etc


post in new vein (more social commentary)

today mum took us 3, siblings for lunch at ryoma japanese restaurant. its a relatively new spot along jln tanjung tokong..the food was yummy and i certainly was tickled by their choice of earthenware crockery and their pumpkin green tea pot. yes it looked like an actual pumpkin. lotsa of choices, and the menu features many pictures of the food so you'd have a very clear idea of what you'll be eating.
now what struck me most, aside from the giant sakura die cuts against the black walls and the origami cranes hanging around, was the serving attitude of both the tau keh (boss/owner) and tau keh so (boss's wife) as one would expect they'd greet you with a bow, welcome you, smile etc. but throughout the course of your meal/visit, you can see how they're watching over all the diners. the tau keh so herself comes and clears your dishes, and the tau keh came out to give my bro his namecard.
now the most interesting things is this..
on the back of the menu there are profiles of the tau keh whose name is hiro something and the chief chef who is japanese too. you are entertained and enlightened by the brief biodata of mr hiro complete with a letter to patrons. the tone of the letter is one of complete sincerity and humility. he is so humble like he's so pleased to come and set up business here in penang etc etc and if you have any comments etc.. "i need your help always". the chief chef, on the other hand shares his "idea of cooking after 44 years.."SEEK GOOD FLAVOUR". simply put, yet profound i tell you.
now that in itself draws you to the place as a whole and you're happy to patronize the place. totally. especially since the cream cheese oysters are KILLER=)
and so, after lunch as we were making our way out mr hiro (who looks like he could be a japanese prime minister) walks us out, bows, says thank you (flanked by his chinese wife)(who also bows) and proceeds to open our car doors for us. talk about good service man.
the whole point is it's not just about the acts of servitude but their whole attitude that just says something about mankind. a special clan of mankind who are gentle and serving and humble.
if only we could all be like that. on that note, i'm off to watch heroes. again=)
til my next attempt at a better blogpost, i leave you with this message..
Seek Good Flavour..
(in penang its not so hard)

blogger hall of shame

i am realizing today
that my blog
is a tad immature.
completely touchy feely
devoid of rousing national sentiment or any sort of revolution.
i do not seem to have words like revolution. generation. mankind. unlike this guy over here..
sigh.
what sort of writer am i if not to ignite passion and wonder and the hope for a brighter future.
not just for individuals but for the collective community
what do i believe in?
what do i stand for?
apart from the joy and wonder of gift vouchers, and good food for lunch and pretty papers?
i need a more macro telescope.
even if not to discuss politics then at least what's ont he front page of the Star newspaper.
paris hilton sentenced to prison. nyuk nyuk.
and so, i publicly vow to increase my peripheral vision and then transpose it to this repository of thoughts.
generate feedback from the community.
create a forum of sorts for us to dictate our world, our future.
"pinky, let's take over the world" muahahahaa.
ok.omit the last one.

may day

plan for the day ( a HOLIDAY!)

1. go out with friend (possibly to queensbay for a change) sorta an adventure to utilize borders gift voucher, catch up, have a yummy lunch and catch a movie
2. play by ear

what i did accomplish today
1. brunch with folks
2. tidied out desk drawer which led me to
3. sort and go through memorabilia box which led me to
4. write an email
5. refolded all clothes in cupboard and tidied it (finally)
6. made sandwiches for sarah for tea and kept an eye on her so she wouldnt feel too lonely
7. composed email to sned out to ppl on mailing list (for shoppe)
8. checked out websites of scrapbook shops in sg which led me to...
9. ogle the new stuff entering the scrapbooking world
10. cooked tomato-ey meatballs for siblings for dinner
11. blogged
12. changed bedsheets
13. tidied up my ribbons for scrapbooking
14. backed up photos and cleared space on lappie(yes, its still functioning fine and now i can import songs to itunes=)
15. fiddled a bit on facebook
16. uploaded some photos on friendster
17. chatted on ichat

the night is still young...

i hope to do the following
1. work on travel moleskine
2. scrap with sarah
3. dinner
4. possibly watch some tv

arhhh. seize the day indeed. and tomorrow... another holiday!!! hope to go back to the shop/office to do some work tho..

happy labour day everyone. for those yet to enter the working life, trust me public holidays are a huge deal=)

where do i begin?

and this is just the plain coloured cardstock i now have in my stash. wait til you see the patterned papers.=)
now all i need is oodles of free time to get scrapping away and unlimited photo printing facilities=)

lappie woes

i have a secret.
my beloved lappie is sick. or so my resident geek tells me. after attempting some basic troubleshooting like verify disk. or verify disk permissions. which i have no idea about. before you smart asses try to shove your know how in my face, this is no ordinary computer...this is a mac. my highly precious mac who has served me well since my initiation into the age of owning my own computer. (which coincided with the age of having any access to unlimited computer time) (oh what joys university life brings to you)
so anyways. beloved lappy had a fall a month or so back. yes. a fall. you heard me. basically, when it happened every curse word in my hidden vocabulary rushed to the tip of my tongue. but of course the fall was at the office, next door to my boss' room, in fact, so all i managed was a bloodcurdling shriek.
so since the fall, i have had a strip of white in the middle of the 2nd quarter of my screen, that is devastating enough. imagine watching dvds on said screen.
anyways, the current problem is one that has been building up. (goodness knows how?) but apparently due to the fact that i dont run disk utility often enough. no one tells me these things. sigh. so anyways, have attempted to back up my files, etc. save for one teeny, tiny, ok not so teeny tiny thing.
my itunes library.
yes, the one i've painstakingly built over the years. currently boasting 2210 songs after obfuscating the lame ones. 8.47 gb of highly listenable music. some danceable, some singeable, but all highlysought after. at elast by me=p. i dont have a portable hd to transfer them to. the mere thought of burning them all onto cdrs kill me. and yet i cant carry on as if nothings wrong or ill really start throwing a fit when (touch wood) my lappie does crash. (God forbid)
it's times like this the idealistic side of me carries on in wonderland, thinking that nothing mjorly bad will happen. reminiscent of novel character becky bloomwood. for a glimpse into the comedy that this character is, allow me to transcribe a letter from her latest book. (coming soon=p)
gotta love it (yes, i do read mindless chick lit like these)

birthday treat

it takes receiving a body shop gift voucher for me to go in there and spend money! and so i did with the extravagant rm50 gift voucher i got for me bday (thanks sher) and of course got a little something extra. heh, that along with japanese food for dinner, a peek at bookshops and fascinating conversation makes for a suitably enjoyable saturday night. the saturday after my fabulous trip.

lunch escapades

today's lunch involved a much longer walk traversing new foot terrain since the default lunch plan was pluto-ed by the fact that they weren't open. cheng beng i think. lotsa people on leave too. so, in the end i actually ate at some cafe somewhat directly opposite my office but due to massive traffic one has to walk along the same side of road where i work until one reaches safe crossing at traffic light then cross road then walk down, then into perpendicular street, with cute refurbished old shophouses with too expensive food then down the end of said quaint street onto the next and end up at some not too glam sounding cafe where i order tom yam fried rice for rm5 and the portion is huge. tarpaued half for dinner=p

resurrect the life within

a lot of the time, we spend our lives living drearily. for some time, in the past couple of months or so except for the intervals where life would perk up, i have my moments of just drifting by. barely have a lunch break and try to work work work my ass off. i dunno if it is the fact that we've already moved shop & office ( a major project that we've been working towards and now it's done..for the most part except that the scrapbook shop ain't ready yet) or because i just got back from my eventful cathartic trip to singapore, but these days i feel like i'm living more. living more is in bringing a little excitement into even the most common things and feeling alive, full of hope and the expectation of adventure. screw the fact that the maid ran away, stop moaning about being incompetent at work and just DO IT, dammit. do what i can the best i can and don't lament. and enjoy my lunch break! and not feel guilty to take a lunch break longer than 15 minutes.
so today i crossed the very busy burmah road, hopped over to junction cafe and had set lunch all by myself, brought my journal too but food came fast, so no time to write. i enjoyed my lunch break.

to sherry

sherry please blog again!!
if that's what you wanted, a formal plead here it is. i am sure i am not the only one whose infrequent blog wanderings/ checking up on is now sadly wan without the prospect of some delicious banter cacophoning from the words on your blog.

i am 23

so...another year.
a low key birthday but a happy one at that. a smooth day at work, a lovely dinner with folks and planning my birthday present-a trip to singapore. a long awaited trip to singapore. (does jig)
this is my birthday layout i did for my scrapbook, the 2nd page to this layout features a lenghty bit of journaling which brought me to reassess my life at this point and made me feel a lot lighter than i had been bogged down by stress and worries.
it's an old picture though. more than 2 years old. but i like it. thank you to the person who took the picture, i've never had a picture quite like that before or since.
i'm blogging this a day after so people don't feel compelled to wish me when they didn't really remember in the first place. to those who did, i am truly grateful. i guess i haven't been as vigilant a birthday wisher as i used to be in the past year, being so caught up with work and all, though i've always tried to be.
do you ever feel on birthdays, that you could've been more. should be more. and yet asmany aspirations that we have, while actively taking steps to achieve them on a day where people celebrate you and you celebrate your own life, where you are is enough i guess. at least for that one day. well, i think so. or else what are you celebrating?
so anyways. thank you guys. those who care. ohmigosh, getting old getting old.=p

evolution

the slow and steady evolution of my gadget history..=)
whoohoo, new phone!
(a more articulate update to come soon)

check this out

My blog is worth $1,129.08.
How much is your blog worth?

shoppe

went a little crazy with buying valentine's stuff! couldnt help myself the stuff are lovely!

peek at a sample i made for the shoppe.

another sample valentine for my pretend valentine for the shoppe. giant chipboard shape.


there is a story i'm dying to tell. making it a point to blog this little snippet of a memory from long ago that came to mind today as i was setting up the shop for sale which starts SATURDAY. i'm so excited. anyways,
when i was 9 in std 3, we were doing a topic on money for maths classes and for some reason, maths then was super fun and our teacher made us bring empty boxes and various packaging. they collected at the back. then another time teacher made us trace coins and cut them out. then one day he/she? made us rearrange our desks around the class and we set out the boxes and various packaging made to look as goods and set up shop. the rest of the class took turns being customers buying stuff and we had to practise giving out correct change with out counterfeit homemade coins. it was crazy fun.
i think ever since, or maybe that didnt make that much of a difference but somehow i'd always played shoppe even with myself. funny how now i play for real. calling customers and lettingt hem know a sale is coming up and setting up wondering who'll come is almost like planning a party.
anyways, speaking of party




4 happie little girls' name tags. or they will be happie tomorrow at the scrapbook class/party i'm teaching/hosting.
bright colours, foam stamps, snacks and scrapping. sounds like a fun evening for four 9 year olds and one almost 23 year old=p

chinese new year beckons. can't wait to wear my cheongsam from shanghai=)

obfuscate

it is alarmingly ridiculous how much we depend on our internet. how much i rely on the internet and hwo terribly frustrating it is to have not been having connection for the past few weeks. can't blog, can't check email, can't download stuff. can't chat, etc etc etc.
other alarmingly ridiculous things to whine about..the new gurney drive roundabout, for crying out loud was stuck at the roundabout for 15 minutes because penang drivers dunno how to use a roundabout.
smog and smoke in my neighbourhood air when im trying to exercise by running. the not fresh air makes me feel even more unhealthy.
alarmingly ridiculous how my money dwindles so fast. the shopaholic relapse. sigh. so much for saving thousands by now and rebuilding my savings after emptying out to pay my laptop loan.
being so darn lonely...

today, a year ago

today, a year ago was january 6th, 2006. it was a relatively sunny friday. not to me it wasn't.
though it was hard to tell beneath the veil of tears that blanketed my eyes for most of that day.
it was the last day of my whirlwind 3 day trip to singapore to pack up, clear out of raffles hall, withdraw from nus and settle immigration issues with singapore. not to mention attempt to squeeze in time to say goodbye to the few people in my life there that i managed to see before i left. for good.
the day was bleak, my heart was heavier than it had had ever been before. utter depression had taken root within the vestiges of my spirit. to say like i felt like a failure is a gross understatement. what's worse than being a failure is believing you're a success your whole life (amidst intermissions of insecurity) and then slowly but surely setting yourself on fire so that you explode right off your styrofoam pedestal.

nevertheless, there i was. reduced to one big suitcase, two small luggage bags and a backpack, after a harrowing night of offloading many of my possesions that had meant so much to me and yet ended up as wasted money staring at my face..from clothes to ikea furniture to reams of printed,written,photocopied (zapped) notes.
i came home, washed by a cloud of shame. dreading the bleak uncertainty that was my life and the stench of failure that followed me. a sudden return meant an upheaval of domestic dynamics. everyone had to put up with my return, my presence, my very depressed presence at that and my string of baggage. my freedom and autonomy snuffed out. one thing i recall vividly was that mummy cooked my favourite pineapple prawn curry for me that night. she makes that like once a year if even that. and she hardly even cooks at all.

a year has passed. sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and others, it feels like a decade ago. because of everything that has happened since. for a while i could'nt breathe properly, like i was constantly weighed down by my regrets. i woke up with spasms of alternate sharp and dull pains in my chest. i slept as early as i possibly could and dreaded waking up because then all the pain would come hurtling at me. in the present, when i feel like things are tough and i still haven't finished sorting things out, i look back and remember how much worse things were, and how i've come through it all stronger, wiser and better. once again the phrase "this too will pass" rings true. God has his ways...

seeing as this is my first post of 2007, i wanna wish everyone a happy new year. Here's wishing you the hope and faith in expecting a great year and the courage and strength to make it happen.